This is a two part post.  Part one is important for me to document but part two is more emotional….

Part 1

It has been difficult to post recently.  Boruch hashem I’ve been busy. Between work, maintaining the house, teaching at night and dating there really hasn’t been any extra time.

At times I wonder if I have plateaued. Am I continuing to grow?  Sometimes it is difficult to know especially when things are relatively stable.  At those times it is gratifying to be able to come back here to my thread and see where I was holding twelve months ago. Or even six months ago.  It becomes much easier to see that yes I am continuing to grow.

I ordered the battle of the generation from Amazon one year ago. Since then I have read it cover to cover more than six times!

I didn’t even start therapy until the end of March last year! Now I no longer need to go very often.

I am learning considerably more in the last few months and I am teaching as well.

My rov even asked me to speak in Shul when he was away.

While I am proud of my recovery I no longer see myself exclusively through the lens of recovery.  Without question recovery was the catalyst but the desire to live a life that will bring nachas to hashem is no longer rooted in recovery.  I just want to be close to hashem.

this is the most exciting time of the year.  Purim is coming and I can celebrate that closeness without inhibitions.  Nissan is already on the horizon and I am waiting with heightened anticipation for that month in which we celebrate Hashem taking us out from a world of darkness and connecting us to a world of light.   Pesach will always be the yomtov on which I celebrate my personal redemption.

Part 2

Last year about this time I was on my way to recovery.  I was committed and hopeful but still very much unsure of myself.  At some point I was cleaning up at home and I came across a bag of stuff from my previous forbidden life that I had stashed in the back of some shelf.       (This was not anything explicit but at the same time it was very much connected to my forbidden activities).

My first thought was that I better get rid of this asap. Then I had an inspiration.  I wanted to feel what it would be like to bring a korbon Pesach.  I decided to save the stuff until erev Pesach. I continued to work at spiritually cleaning myself.

On erev Pesach I davened early.  Then I took my bag of stuff and drove to the dumpsters that were set up near my neighborhood for extra garbage on erev pesach.  I sat in my car and said tehillim with tears streaming down my cheeks. I davened that hashem accept my korbon as if I had brought a real live korbon pesach.  Then I threw the bag into the dumpster and left.  It is difficult to describe the connection that I felt at this moment

While I am far from perfect, I wont have such a korbon to bring this year. I daven from the bottom of my heart that we will all be able to bring the korbon pesach in yerushalayim this year. But if somehow it is still not the time for that, I will be somewhere someplace in my car saying tehillim with tears streaming down my cheeks.  Asking hashem to remember last years korbon, to help me stay on this path and to please allow my words to continue to inspire others to do the same.

I don’t know why I was never able to write about this.  I thought about it but somehow never found the right tone to describe this very personal moment. I thank hashem for inspiring me with the words to do so at this time.

Best wishes

Vehkam

This is a two part post.  Part one is important for me to document but part two is more emotional….

Part 1

It has been difficult to post recently.  Boruch hashem I’ve been busy. Between work, maintaining the house, teaching at night and dating there really hasn’t been any extra time.

At times I wonder if I have plateaued. Am I continuing to grow?  Sometimes it is difficult to know especially when things are relatively stable.  At those times it is gratifying to be able to come back here to my thread and see where I was holding twelve months ago. Or even six months ago.  It becomes much easier to see that yes I am continuing to grow.

I ordered the battle of the generation from Amazon one year ago. Since then I have read it cover to cover more than six times!

I didn’t even start therapy until the end of March last year! Now I no longer need to go very often.

I am learning considerably more in the last few months and I am teaching as well.

My rov even asked me to speak in Shul when he was away.

While I am proud of my recovery I no longer see myself exclusively through the lens of recovery.  Without question recovery was the catalyst but the desire to live a life that will bring nachas to hashem is no longer rooted in recovery.  I just want to be close to hashem.

this is the most exciting time of the year.  Purim is coming and I can celebrate that closeness without inhibitions.  Nissan is already on the horizon and I am waiting with heightened anticipation for that month in which we celebrate Hashem taking us out from a world of darkness and connecting us to a world of light.   Pesach will always be the yomtov on which I celebrate my personal redemption.

Part 2

Last year about this time I was on my way to recovery.  I was committed and hopeful but still very much unsure of myself.  At some point I was cleaning up at home and I came across a bag of stuff from my previous forbidden life that I had stashed in the back of some shelf.       (This was not anything explicit but at the same time it was very much connected to my forbidden activities).

My first thought was that I better get rid of this asap. Then I had an inspiration.  I wanted to feel what it would be like to bring a korbon Pesach.  I decided to save the stuff until erev Pesach. I continued to work at spiritually cleaning myself.

On erev Pesach I davened early.  Then I took my bag of stuff and drove to the dumpsters that were set up near my neighborhood for extra garbage on erev pesach.  I sat in my car and said tehillim with tears streaming down my cheeks. I davened that hashem accept my korbon as if I had brought a real live korbon pesach.  Then I threw the bag into the dumpster and left.  It is difficult to describe the connection that I felt at this moment

While I am far from perfect, I wont have such a korbon to bring this year. I daven from the bottom of my heart that we will all be able to bring the korbon pesach in yerushalayim this year. But if somehow it is still not the time for that, I will be somewhere someplace in my car saying tehillim with tears streaming down my cheeks.  Asking hashem to remember last years korbon, to help me stay on this path and to please allow my words to continue to inspire others to do the same.

I don’t know why I was never able to write about this.  I thought about it but somehow never found the right tone to describe this very personal moment. I thank hashem for inspiring me with the words to do so at this time.

Best wishes

Vehkam

When I first started my journey ten months ago I had one goal.  To stop viewing pornography and to stop acting out my fantasies.  I just wanted to clear my head so that I could think straight.

I did not intend to stop listening to the radio, something that I had always done for background noise.  Or to stop watching football.  Or Law and Order. Or American idol.  Or romantic movies that made me cry.

I had no intention of stopping to eat the free krispy kreme donut (one a day!) that I got by showing my covid card.  Nor any of the other non cholov Yisroel snacks that I became accustomed to eating (and making sure to dispose of the wrappers lest I be found out)

I did not think my davening habits would change; I thought they would be as sporadic as they had been for the last few decades.

I did not think that I would ever go over to a gadol and ask for a bracha for help with shmiras einayim and shmiras habris.

I did not think I would ever want to get married again

I certainly did not think there was anything about me that could possibly inspire anyone

I did not even intend to stop masturbation!

I just wanted to be able to think straight.

So I made one change.  I committed to myself to be clean of pornography for at least six months.  And I was given a gift from hashem.  A new lease on life.  Slowly but surely the obstacles disappeared.  And all that I did not originally intend has come to be.

Now Elul is here.  The King is in the field! And I just want to connect.  Should I be fearful? There is much to regret. But I cannot think about that.  My tears are tears of excitement. Of eager anticipation.  My king please listen to the beating of my heart.  Hear my desire to be close to you.  Another year of growth.  Please hold onto me for another year. I beseech you.  Let me remain close.  The king is in the field!