Wow. Very well said!

So, I fell again on Friday. I made it two weeks but that just isn't going to cut it.

I was doing really well actually, I was suppressing really strong urges in the days leading up to my fall, and I constantly thought of Hashem watching me every second of my life.

Then Friday came, and in the evening, I got into a very triggering situation. I started to act out and actually felt so terrible about it that I stopped before...you know.

But because I had started acting out, the urge only got worse and started interfering with my thought process, and I eventually did act out later that evening. I felt so terrible after, like I knew I would, and still feel a great sense of shame because I knew that Hashem was watching me the whole time. 

However, I don't feel depressed. If anything, I feel a greater sense of urgency to finish this once and for all. I know I can do this.

Being on a university campus hasn't been helping though. There is so much immodesty everywhere, especially since it has been getting warmer, that I can't even leave my building for ten seconds to walk to the deli without accidentally looking at half naked people. It really is a shame the way people dress nowadays...I practically have to look directly at the ground wherever I go because it is just that bad. So yeah that doesn't help.

If there is anything to be proud about in this situation, it is that I again made the conscious decision to not watch pornography when I acted out. Currently standing at 82 days BH. 

Anyway, I know I must try again - I am eager to try again. The time is now to make a change for the better.

Shavua Tov everyone, I will continue to try and post every day.

thetimeisnow!

love your attitude

Day 3 BH

I usually don't have urges this early in the attempt, it usually starts around 8 or 9 days. But this time for some reason I am having them. They aren't that bad, but they are constantly there for some reason even though I have no intention to act on them.

In fact, I'm terrified of even looking down there, let alone touching anything I shouldn't be, because I wrote on my contract with Hashem that the second I purposefully touch or look at my member, I am then on obligated to run five miles within the next 24 hours.

Five miles is doable for me (I found that out after my last fall), but incredibly difficult. I did it all in one run and I must have lost a pound or two of sweat. The point is that while it is doable for me, I remember how much it sucked, and I definitely don't want to have to do it again. So even if I have an urge, there is absolutely no way I am going to act on it...hopefully lol. (I have a condition that if I forget that I will have to run--which negates the purpose of the contract in the first place--I won't have to).

Anyway, this specific deterrent seems to work well for me because I really hate running. So BH this will carry me to the finish line

thetimeisnow!

Great to hear!

What is the finish line?

Hopefully I 90 days haha

And beyond...

I think it's important to internalize (I'm looking at you Striving Avreich) that there is no finish line. There is just normal life.

If there is, please let me know

Day 6 BH

Just four or five months ago, I considered myself hopelessly addicted to pornography. With the help of Hashem, and all of the wonderful and inspiring people in this community, I am now porn-free for 90 days and counting. Not only have I been able to stop watching pornography, but somehow I have gotten to the point where it is completely out of the question even if I end up falling in the other half of the struggle.

I think this is because 1) I have gone so long without it that my desire to not destroy my progress and to not get addicted to it again is bigger than my desire to watch it, and 2) I still am struggling with wasting seed, so even if my desire to watch porn isn't fulfilled, the actual lust is. Obviously I am working on dealing with the second half of the issue, but not being addicted to pornography helps a lot. 

For those of you still struggling with pornography, I know exactly how you feel. Just know that it IS possible to stop. I am living testimony and so are many others. Am I more human than anyone else? No, in fact I would argue that because I try to always be conscious of Hashem's presence, yet I still sin, I am on a lower level than most.

Using the taphsic method really helped me out as well. I found that, for me, having to go on a run as a result of watching pornography or wasting seed was the best deterrent (I hate running). Similar to what I said above, at about 30 days I became more attached to my progress than to the desire to watch and it only got easier from there. 

Finally, if you are able to beat the urge to watch pornography, it will really help you out in the other half of the struggle; I remember when I first joined this website and really began the struggle to stop, the amount of profanity I had exposed my mind to was just so much that I couldn't get it out of my head even if I wanted to. Back then, going three days without either was nothing short of a miracle. However, as I slowly made it to 4 days, 7 days, and then two weeks without pornography, my desires became fewer as there was less junk being pushed into my brain. In other words, the less you watch porn, the less there is bouncing around in your mind to create an urge (make sure to replace it with something kosher though, an empty mind isn't good either).

So now, I find myself at three months without pornography, and this reality is starting to have an effect on my battle with wasting seed. Much fewer are the illicit thoughts that pop in at random, and thus fewer are the urges; in the last 7 days, I had one, maybe two, difficult urges, but that was it.

Take it one day at a time everyone.

The time is now to make a change!

So...I almost fell again...

Right after I posted too, how sad. The urge hit me like a brick wall

I started acting out but after about 15 seconds I couldn't keep going and I stopped myself, before...you know. I technically didn't break my taphsic, which is part of the reason why I stopped. But I also somehow was able to remember how it felt afterwards last time and I focused on the fact that Hashem was watching. Please everyone help me make it through the night

You inspire so many of us with ur specific circumstances - we all believe in you

Let me know if this video works. I drew a lot of inspiration from it.

Okay it looks like it doesn't. Does anyone know how to link whatsapp videos in this forum?

thetimeisnow! wrote on 19 Apr 2021 13:00:

Once you download the video, you should be able to add it here using the 'add file' option