DAY 1 (vol. II)
OK shabbos was pretty awesome.
Even though I was hammered with uchy thoughts all shabbos, it went really well.
Motzei shabbos.......
Let's just say sunday Parshas Shemos will be DAY 1 (vol. III)
Tonight I fell, erev shabbos I fell, I feel like I ruined my Shovavim already. Like I want to go to sleep and wake up after shovavim. This way at least I can't mess up again durring it.
I'm exaggerating, but it definitely isn't geshmak.
Boo me.
But what can you do? I can't say I'm not used to the feeling.
The human brain eventually grows accustomed to anything it experiences enough times. That's why we get bored with learning and davening and all other good stuff, and have to find ways to keep interested and motivated.
So this is one of the few positive aspects of this thing.
That the downs become more tolerable.
Pretty weak positive aspect, but you gotta take what you can.

i just read through your journey so far.
u may not think ur doing so great,but i think ur doing fine.
im very impressed with your fearless analyzation of yourself.
keep up the good work!

KOLLEL GUY

Listen up!

Don't worry so much about shovavim

All the guidelines of FELL SHMELL and KEEP ON TRUCKING apply in these weeks too

Yes a streak is geshmak

But I wouldn't trade in "one day at a time" for anything

Start your engines,gentlemen!

B

KG what can i say iv been rading your posts daily and i so know what ou are going through, the falling, the feeling of afterward, the lack of feeling afterwards, the feelings of hypocrisy, and all the other feelings thatas a fellow kg can read between the lines!
Id like to give you some marei mekoimois that i have personally found helpfull, but i need to ask a question first
do u have access to sifrei breslov? and i mean by this likutei moharan and likutei halochos
(maybe i hsould have sent u this message private)

I was very into breslov for a while, but I backed off. I felt it was too high for me for the time being. Now I just nosh, and read vertlach and stuff.
Once you look deeply into the ideas R' Nachman says, you realize that they are extremely difficult and lofty, and not "utterly simplistic" like people think they are.
In short, it's very easy to relate what he says on a superficial level, but I think his true intentions are beyond most people - myself included.

Keep going. Try and focus on learning what really interests you. Grab what you can Chassidus, Musar.

Try to keep your mind occupied with holy thoughts.

" I was very into breslov for a while, but I backed off. " Just your yh, if it worked for you go for it

i Fully understand your nekuda, i think breslov is very lofty but in the other hand to quote reb nachman himself who said "ich vel mekarev zein menshen voz di she'oil tachtis iz karg far zei", literally i will be mekarav people who the deepest depth of abyss is not enogh for them. I dont know about you but thats where i feel i am sometimes, mind you the likutei halochos by reb nosson is much easier to read, but the q is do u have access

Dear Kollel Guy,
I have just read your thread and I am flabbergasted. Since until now I have only had time to read your responses to my posts I have come to respect you as a person who is Meyushav and well thought out. That being so, I was amazed to read this thread and see the Agmus Nefesh which you are experiencing.
I don't know if you read my first post, but if you did you will see that I spent ten years in Kollel. HaShem then sent me to work for my Parnassa. So when I read your posts I could relate to all your feelings and experiences very well.
I don’t feel comfortable giving advice on this forum yet, but as I read your posts I felt like I want to scream at you “You must change your attitude!” HaShem does not measure us by checks and scores of what time we daavened or whether we had a good Seder. Everything is relative to the individual and at what level he is but I am sure that this is not new to you.
Once of my inspirations on how to appreciate this is the last Siman of Bircas Shmuel on Kidushin where he discusses the Chiyuv of Talmud Torah. Learn it and let me know if it makes any difference to your attitude.
with my heartfelt wishes for Siyato Dishmayo.
Ovadia

You hit the nail on the head.
The reason why I am so angry at myself, is because I am coming from a lifestyle in which I was nearly flawless in this area. For me a fall was when I didn't have proper kavannah when I made a shehakol.
To daven a mincha without kavannah? Unheard of!! Look at a bus-stop... Are you crazy??!! I would be makpid on EVERY last detail of halacha and mussar.
Your probably thinking "Well of course he snapped, that's not normal"
Well I didn't snap. I just grew accustomed to failing at the things which I wasn't matzliach at (mainly hasmada and undestanding learning), and I dropped lower and lower gradually, losing enthusiasm by the day, and at an alltime low - I suddenly got access to a computer with no filter.
Now this had not been a nesayon for me - for a long time. And it just happened so suddenly. I didn't know what to think the entire following day. Was everything I did and worked on over the years down the drain? This was open proof that I was clearly not a yarei shomayim!!!
There was no longer any point. All that and I'm still the same selfish kafuy tov to H-shem??
Well I slowly got over the fall - it was only one fall. But the seeds were planted. From there was continuously downhill.
I would of course have spurts of energy and cheshek to do teshuvah, and I never once forgot my dream to one day be a special jew (I know I'm already special, thank you R' Shlomo). But my sensitivity towards keeping damaging things out - was waning, and I found myself watching a documentary here and there, chapping a family guy here and there, chilling with the computer instead of learning bein hasedarim.
I am still looking at myself and my obligations as I did once upon a time.
I have to realize that I'm not on the level I once was (even though in hindsight I was not on any level, just dimyonos), and my expectations should likewise be different.
But what could you do. I'm all mevulbal. I don't even know what to think anymore. I don't know if I'll ever be happy. Sometimes I think all I can hope for is to be just a regular guy. I know that might sound sort of concieted, but if you understood the will I have carried with me for so long to really do something special for H-shem with my life - you'd understand.

Please, please KG. It is really painful to read you speaking so negatively. Just feeling that way should make you realize that direction that you are going cannot be the Ratzon HaShem. Derocheho Darchei Noam.
More than anything you have to stop measuring yourself. It is spiritual suicide. Again I am asking you to learn what R Baruch Ber ZTL writes about the Chiyuv TT.
Once again I wish you Siyato Dishmayo.
Ovadia

Shkoyach for caring,
be"H I'll check it out tonight.

Kollel Guy wrote on 03 Jan 2010 14:20:

dear KG, i don't agree with you at all.  :-[
as was written at the GYE attitude handbook, free access to a computer with no filter, is anus.
one that knows the way to the p*** sites, and has a computer without filter and still not surf there is more! than yossef hazzadik
are you more than him??  
so that  was maybe the begining of your continuation way down, but its not your fault, you shouldn't feel guilty.
we all know that a lot of jews men fell into this garbage , why??
does it because its easy to avoid themselves from??  the answer is NO!  its just because its closed to be the hardest nisayon jews have ever faced with.
so now you just have to feel ok with yourself in spite of 1000 falls.  just as us.  :D
i wouln't tell you to be happy, but at least not to be sad.

i would like to offer you 2 things you should do to the continuation, (i'm not a zaddik only 20 days clean  ;D ;D but if you don't care i'll try..):
1. if you can switch your filter to work by only white list, this is a big step.
2. such as habaletaher, steve and me are at the same step in the journey, try to find one or two from the holy soldiers in GYE community and make a deal with them that you gonna together, hand by hand to the 90.  for us it still works for already 12 days, we begun from the 8th day of mine.
now, we are all around the 20th day clean and mechazckim each other in their posts everyday.
we hope we succedd.

try it you have no what to lose.
love you dear,
onelife.

I don't agree with myself at all either. I didn't know what "internet addiction" meant, so the incident threw me off. Now I realize what happened. But as they say, "you only realize when it's too late". Now that I have the knowledge to keep myself from getting knocked off the mountain - I'm at the bottom already.

Dear KG,
You say "I don't know if I'll ever be happy. Sometimes I think all I can hope for is to be just a regular guy." It seems to me that you are making a big mistake. In your life, the game you need to be playing is KG vs KG. You need to do the best you can given the situation you are in at the current moment. You MUST NOT be playing KG vs KG 2 years ago, or KG vs the other guy in the Kollel, or KG vs this gadol or that gadol, and I'll stop here because I think you get my point. Don't compete against anyone but yourself in the present, and I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised with yourself in the future.
Ano

You are special. By hanging out here and trying to get past this addiction YOU ARE SPECIAL. Trust me it was hard for me too to come to this realization. I know its hard for us guys to think this but its true. Us kollel guys may think that what makes you special is your hasmadah how long you daven for how many r chaims you know by heart. Trust me dude i went through the hardcore system. But we need to reallize what makes someone special is doing the ratzon hashem. And if the ratzon hashem is to get over this addiciton for now, then if were working on this then we are special. So you are special. And stop thinking of what you could of been and whatever. Who told you that you vant still be that thing?? Maybe with all the hardwork it would take you to get past this struggle hashem will give you extra siyata dishmaya. what do i know??