You make a lot of sense BH. I actually just started something like that. I'm on a break from my kollel for the time-being.

Kollel Guy wrote on 24 Jan 2010 06:47:


just from the trigger caused you fall !

go KG go yo gonna do that,
everyday not to fall, not forever since its pretentious to say forever.

G-d help me just today stay clean.

its a little step that you can do this.

BEHAZLACHA my brother.

We hope to never fall again...but we do it, one day at a time. We don't worry about tomorrow. Right now is today.

Glad to hear that things are going well, and you're looking positive! Also double-glad to hear that you're going for a bit of a change of pace, hope it leads to great things!

You will eventually overcome all obstacles in your way. If you keep davening and keep pushing - H-shem will see your efforts and work things out for you. But why would you want to wait years for all the ones and twos to add up to a million? Why don't you start getting in 100"s and 1000"s now?

In Tehillim 14:2 I noticed today, it says a very interesting lashon. It's discussing how civilization on the whole ignores H-shem and what he wants.
"H-shem mishomayim hishkif al bnei adam" - H-shem looks from shomayim at humanity, "liros ha'yesh maskil doresh Elokim" - looking for a wise person in search of G-d.
That's the interesting lashon. Why does H-shem care if the person is wise or not? Isn't he the one who measured out each persons intelligence? Shouldn't the only important thing be if the person is searching for H-shem or not?

So I realized that I can find the answer from my own life. It's so clear it's almost shouting at me. There are so many things I do which are well intended, but for some reason I don't ever see anything come out of them. Whether it's a sefer or limud I started, or a kabbala I took upon myself, or a new idea or concept I tried to make a part of myself and of the way I think, they all seem to have no remnance in my life. I know I can't and don't see what they really did.... but they are supposed to have a visible effect - at least to some extent.

But that's exactly it. I'm not doing it smart. I just do things without a worked out cheshbon of how I will monitor my success and recognize when I can somehow improve or fix something wrong. I gotta take my success seriously. Not just "be yotzei doing my best and trying my hardest" - regardless of what I'm actually doing, or how I'm doing it, and if it's practical for my growth.

I need to make goals and check up on how I'm doing with them. I need to pick up on my lack of motivation and see if it's just laziness or if somethings wrong.
I need to get my life in constructive order.
It's not enough to just "not be doing anything destructive".

Very well said - it's not enough to simply throw hard work at ourselves, and hope something sticks - we need to tailor make things for ourselves, and to do that, we need to figure ourselves out. You've been working on both of these areas already, and I hope that your success continues!

DAY 19 Sunday Bishalach
Today was seriously awesome. I started with my new chavrusa, and it went great.
It felt great to get out of the house again.
One difference though....
My old kollel, see it was sort of right in my neighborhood, so I got there by using back roads, without even stepping on one street. I left the area only on Shabbos and erev Shabbos. Didn't used see too much, especially since I'm in a very frum area.
But today was different. I have to go to the new Kollel on a bus. And the bus goes through all parts of j-lem.
For the first time in a big while - I felt like I hadn't understood the nesayon others have been having constantly - while I sat comfortably at home with nothing bothering me.
I have a lot of work to do.
But B"H I'm here today saying this. The fact that my work is holding here is an example of how far I've come.
Thanks to all of you!!!

Keep it up KG!!! You see , no matter what we yh has us figured out. Start a new chavrusa?? Happy?? Ok ill send you some hardies.  Hes sick on how smart he is.. I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow! That's great! Hopefully, once you're moving in the right direction, that'll give you more energy to keep going up and up!

WOW KG! Glad to hear, I really hope this new kollel works out for you!!

KG, i wish you BRACHA VEHAZLACHA in your new way.
from day to day i see you take off more and more peels ,
the TALMID CHACHAM is gradually  exposed to us,
i see your posts on the other threads, i wish i have 1/10 from your wise  :
you gonna be the rebbe of the GUE community or a ROSH KOLLEL 

KUTGW gever!!

KUTGW!!!  Stay positive and remember one day at a time!!!

DAY 20 Monday Bishalach
I got up early today, but then spaced out watching national geographic till 9:30
Why the heck? I don't know.
I skipped 2nd seder, and was on the computer instead.
What do you think happened?
That's right, almost fell big time.
Slipped and caught my balance just in time.
Well I didn't really.
My chavrusa called and said "Nu are you coming?"
So I gave up trying to bust k9 and went to night seder.
Close call.
Cant let that happen again.

Consider it a relatively inexpensive lesson, and use it to plan for the future.

And thank hashem - I think that call counts as a hug!

I guess those annoying chavrusas have at least one thing going for them!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Trust me i know plenty from dem study buddys!

dear reb KG,
it smiles as the national geographic was the trigger to the rest.., doesn't it??

it tells you that the Y"H is so smart and sly,
it never takes you straight to the garbage sites, it works slowly, gradually and "safely".
as an addict which want to heal himself, you must know his tricks.

glad to hear that you didn't "succeed" to overcome the K9.  :-\ :-\ if it was so...
i recommend to you to surf by RIMON in the SHAMUR level protection when the password is keeped by your wife. (as me...)

now, you just have to skip that little inccident, don't think about it, try to forget it, and  continue your journey 21,22,23.....90!

we all know the power of urge, just a little effort and you will see that behind you.

you will see that you need it less and less and less and less.

i promise gever. it do works!