C'mon don't exaggerate! It's only 3:20  ;D

Hey KG, go check out my thread, see what I did at the basketball game, you're gonna like it!

hey, KG.

im glad to see you go up and up, as i remember your begining proccess.

you definitely did a switch in your head.  8)

you must continue such that holding the optimisic approach,  8) 8)

we will  see you in a few month as a ROSH KOLLEL!!

KUTGW gever, we see you all the time!! trust you!!

DAY 16 Thurs Bo
I sort of fell back a step today, very little learning and I watched a movie.
I spoke to my Rebbe today about my matziv, he says I gotta speak to someone pro about my attitude problem.
He said even if I do decide to go work and that learning all day is not for me, the problem will follow me there.
He said I have a "motivational issue" and it needs to be taken care of regardless of what I'm doing.
Well, I don't think it would make a difference, but I don't think he knows about the big "P" hiding in my closet.
I mentioned it to him a while ago, but I don't think he realizes it's still something I mamish have to be on the lookout for if I want to be safe.
Truth is, even though this whole landslide started with a big fall, I don't think it has anything to do with the real issue here.
I wasn't able to put in a real effort even when I was showing up, and was clean for months.


In other news, I can't wait for Purim....

hey what up KG?? Havent been around lately so im not sure exactly what your refering to in your post. But the fact is your beingsho'el aitzeh by someone who i hope is smarter then us and knows and wants whats best for us. We usuallyy cant go wrong with that. Keep on rockin!

Sounds like, regardless of the fact that you have...what? how do you fit a Porsche in your closet (that is what "P" stands for, right?)...

Regardless, it sounds like even without that, your rebbe is saying you should seek some pro help. Might be a good idea?

OK KG... How do you break out of it. You need to put yourself in a situtation where you will be Forced to follow what you want to do for a week. just to get into routine. If at 1:54 am you're saying tommorow will be a good day... its already too late. Your day starts the night before. I understand you won't fall asleep earlier. What that means is tha tyou have to wake up on time. (day 1 lets say 9am would be ok. )  and then just slug through the day. You can get nothing done (but don't do anything non productive) but you gotta make it. Do it for one week. Then you'll be fine.

As I said before, the best way to make it is to be busy w/ active stuff to do. So go out and volunteer for something. Be out and about. it helps w/ the tiredness.

Good luck and g'shabbos :-)

A Gutte Shabbos mein zisseh bruder!

Skoyach IT, and it's really nice to see you back. I was getting worried, but then I saw your "I'm holding off for a week" post.
It actually got me thinking maybe to do the same. How did it work for you?

Kollel Guy wrote on 22 Jan 2010 08:37:
It was really hard at some times. But it felt like a relief. I also hope that it will allow me too heve better control here on out. But for one thing, my wife LOVED it!!! Honestly. She told me she realizs i am spending much more time with her and my child. :-\ :-\ :-\

DAY 17 Erev Shabbos Bo
Man these days are going slow. It feels like so long ago the last time I fell, why am I only at 17?
I know I know "the number is not the point, it's me and my growth that matters, it's every second I held back that I keep forever, my focus should be on future" bla bla bla - why am I only at 17? > > >
In other news, I did something stupid this morning, well I did a few stupid things this morning, but one in particular. I was surfing kosherly (if such a thing exists), and I saw a link which was uchy, and I clicked on it. I have no idea why, because I was even bracing myself to look away in case something would actually show up, but I clicked on it.

WHY???????

I got a new chavrusa, and I'm going to try learning something else for the remainder of the zman.
This seems to be my best option at this point, so that means it's the ratzon H-shem. What could be better?

I have 2 controversial suggestions which may completely off base (I am sure the chevra here will not be shy to tell me I am crazy)

#1- Maybe its time to swear off the internet all-together - even if just for 48 hours at a time.You cant click on an interesting link if you are not on-line.

#2- It might be time to re-think the kollel thing, even if that means starting to plan for your post kollel life.  While it is certainly possible that your motivation issues may follow you to college or job, I have seen many people over the years have tremendous hatzlacha in school or at work even though they were unsuccessful in yeshiva.  Its important to be honest with yourself.  Not everyone is cut out for kollel.  There are many people who are more successful when they work since they appreciate those moments in the day where they able to daven and learn.

SC

Why do we click on things? Largely, habit. And I think that's at least part of what the 90-day thing does, it breaks that reflex of "see link...click."

17 days is amazing!

As far as kollel or not - it sounds like you might have trouble in any areas of life, but the truth is that it's not all or nothing. You can try to take one seder off, and work, or maybe learn with a younger bochur - being paid to do so might be a good mechayev. I'm not saying it's a guarantee, but something worth considering, perhaps?

DAY 18 Shabbos Bo
No postal, your not crazy, but I'm just not ready to throw in the towel yet.
SB, once again - great idea, I was actually thinking of that, and might still do it.
Shabbos was interesting, didn't learn too much but whatever.
Motzei went smoothly.
So far so good.
I'm thinking - maybe not so healthily, that I'm nearing my last streak (20something days). I remember thinking last time that I would never fall again. And that's what I think now.
On one hand it's a good mindset, because your mind is not on the subject. But on the other hand - your not as careful. But on the third hand - what went wrong last time? Should I take a lesson from then or was that a fluke?
Major clering going on in the KG household.

I think that your lack of motivation is being fueled by your previous failures. I've managed to make for myself a fresh start. this gives me motivation to work on the new me. I've got a new country, new job, and new surroundings (and a new year). The past is the past. Who cares. Let it be behind me. I'm looking forward. I'm here, building something new, and I'm amazingly just plugging away (even though I've never been more sleep deprived in my entire life).

Right now, kollel is dragging you down. Months of failures, "bad" chavrusa's ... whatever... make you feel like you have to fix what was before. You need a fresh start. New chavrusas. New responsibilities. A New schedule. As part of my new job, I wake up other yeshiva students for shachris. Which means I have to be up myself. Its been working wonderfully. Maybe volunteer for something like that (for people who don't know you and won't "mock" you) ?

As you've said before KG, you and I are very similar. I know whats been working for me for now. I haven't been this productive in at least a year if not two. You can do it too. Don't wait. Get to it! :-)