I have no problem with posting R' Yeruchim's Torah. We have to ask the Rebbes. We can still get away with it for a while because they are still observing Shabbos. No hard feelings, if they have a long shala shoodois and they stay off the web longer because of that it is wonderful. If they get chizuk from the singing thats great and so on.

Holy Yid wrote on 17 Jan 2010 00:24:

:D :D :D

KG - glad to hear that you're ready to mvo forward.

how to overcome laziness? I'm going to give this some serious thought, but my first reaction is simple - just do it. Start with small things, but do things that go against your middah. Whether it's getting up and taking the garbage out instead of waiting for later, or leaving 2 minutes early to seder instead of waiting till the last minute (or later) - bit by bit, small actions will get you there.

I'd recommend that, at least twice a day, you do something that goes against your middah of laziness.

hatzlacha, and shavua tov!

Boy... you sound just like me... the laziness.. killing me. I guess what it comes down to, is that we always feel like we need to do it right, or we shouldn't bother at all.

So basically, this past week I managed to pull myself out of my rut... I slept like 4 hours a night, and was productive all day. How did I do it? Well I'm moving to Israel. I either had to get a move on or I'd be screwed... so I was busy... had to be busy.... do this for a few days and you'll get your schedule back on track. At 8pm you'll only want to sleep. Start doing busy work. Anything thats minimally productive. Pull out that to do list with stuff you've been meaning to get done. Start doing it first thing in the morning. Even if you have to skip a few days of kollel to do this, it will be worth it. The key is to NOT take a nap in the middle of the day and ruin your night. use cofee or whatever. No going to sleep before 9. Do this for 3 days. Then you just got to follow that schedule. Just show up. Even if you get NOTHING accomplished. Someone once said to me... life is about showing up.  Show up. Be there. Eventually itll be routine. You and I need routine. If there's no routine, we're screwed. As soon as things quite down we start to miss the porn or movies or whatever. Don't give yourself the chance. We need to be busy from the time we wake up until we plop into bed from exhaustion. Schedule your day to the max. Don't let yourself relax. As soon as you relax, thats it, you'll be sucked in.

If we can manage to achieve this for a few months, we'll be "rewired." From that point it shouldn't be a problem anymore...

I wish us luck :-)

DAY 12 Sunday, Bo
I guess the 40 days of keeping sedorim will have to start tomorrow.
Today was a no-show. I got all my excitement from reading MOMO's thread.
Night seder was cool. I love that seder.
Gotta get back to kollel already, my wife is slowly starting to lose patience.
Some uchy thoughts, I guess bad memories get fused in deeper than we tend to think.
I'm starting to realize that there's something to be said for recognizing all the good things in your life, EVEN if the realization doesn't get you to do any more mitzvos because of it.
Just for the sake of recognizing the good you have recieved, that realization is in itself a huge thank-you.
I love the GUE community, and I love GUE.
And I love my wife, and I don't realize how special she is. I mean c'mon, she sits patiently through over a month of me hogging the computer and skipping day after day of kollel, while she is going nuts inside and not saying anything because she knows I will get out when I finally decide to.
And she still even makes supper for me.
That's like buying your wife jewelry, after a month of her not doing your laundry.
I think hakaras ha'tov is a midah which can ultimately bring a jew all the way to the top of his chart. Real Hakaras ha'tov.
And part of hakaras ha'tov is not focusing on the negative aspects of your life.
Everyone without exception has negative happenings in his life.
The question is, what will you occupy your mind with.
What H-shem gave you, or what (you imagine) you want, and he didn't give you?
You'd think I am in a great mood right now. I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood either. Just regular thoughtful mood.
What I want to know now is, what is the thing that throws hakaras ha'tov in the dark and make a person see only the bad? How can I avoid that happening?
I guess davening should help...
I mean it's not like I'm asking for a new car, it's to serve H-shem better.
But then I realize that getting that tefillah answered is more valuable than 10 new cars, and anyone who wants any new car over the midah of hakaras ha'tov is NUTS.
So what do I do? I realize that if it's something I was given the perception to value and understand, it's within my reach. I don't know how, and it's not my concern. How I'll get the midah is H-shem's business. I just gotta do my part. Which is to daven, and to constantly remind myself of the concept and it's importance.
Maybe I'll start learning Kuzari. His philosophy is based on hakaras ha'tov.

KUTGW!!! 

Wow. You DO have an incredible amount of awareness...I think I'm going to re-read that last post...

Good luck tomorrow!

WOW KG!!!

Good vort on the hakaras Hatov!! The chovos halevovos also based his entire philosophy on hakaras hatov, as that is what gives our leiv ths sense of hischayvus, not just the moach!!!

Good luck getting back into it! I wish I was in Israel, I would totally offer to come with you to Yeshiva and learn with you the first day, just to get you back into things!!!

Hatzlacha, we are all behind you!!!

DAY 13 Monday Bo
Today I finally had my first nesayon in a while. B"H I pushed the thought out right away, and I was zocheh not to have to deal with it again - for the time being.
1st seder - another no-show.
I made my way to 2nd seder and managed to stay there for an hour.
Night seder - my chavrusa didn't show up, but I learnt on my own.
It's 1:54 and I don't know what tomorrow morning will look like.
I told myself two days ago that yesterday would be good.
Yesterday I said that today would be good.
And I'm telling myself now that tomorrow will be good.
I think I'm noticing a pattern here.
Shaila is - how the heck do I get myself to actually break it?

Kollel Guy wrote on 19 Jan 2010 00:00:


Ur first seder chavrusa didnt show? is that a normal thing or this was a one time thing. Also the same thing with night seder....

Maybe focus on one seder at a time? There's a good feeling that I know I get when I'm there for a solid seder, beginning to end...

I've been following your thread for quite a while and without an ounce of judgment or anything, I can't help but be amazed, WHICH KOLLEL ARE YOU IN!?!?!? If you've been AWOL for a month and no one has said boo to you, maybe you ought to enroll in a diff kollel?

Yiddle2 wrote on 19 Jan 2010 00:02:
Ummmm "no-show" means I didn't show up.
I've been out of kollel for over a month now, following a big fall.
habaletaher wrote on 19 Jan 2010 05:28:
It's a very "everyone learns with everyone" type of situation, and the Rosh Kollel likes me. He asked me what in the word is going on, and I told him I'm in a big yeridah. So he said he'll wait for me to get back into things. I'm using other money to live in the meantime.
He was more concerned that my chavrusa thought I left because of him, which technically could be true. He likes to go fast, and I have learning disabilities, and just can't keep up sometimes.
Besides, I'm starting to think that the whole kollel level is above my head. I'm like 15 years behind everyone else there. I only started learning very recently. I almost didn't learn a word throughout cheder, High school and Beis Medrash. I was the kid who would get the 20s and 30s on the gemara tests.
It can be very frustrating.
I'm not in any way trying to excuse myself. Even with all the drawbacks, I could still come on time, and do chazara and basically know the stuff. I could without a doubt even be fluent in all the material we learn. But I'd just be putting in an enormous amount of extra effort, and I choose to let the necessary failures get to my head.
There's actually a BT in my kollel who's waaaaaaaaaaayyy less capable than me. And he shows up to every seder, on time, learns with tremendous hasmada - the whole time, learns the whole bein hasedarim, and he doesn't manage to really get all the material, but still - he just continues to plug away.
I just have to be patient, and a little more responsible. I just don't have the "plugging away" personality. If there's a problem it bothers me. If I'm not being successful - it's hard for me to continue.....
I hope I'll just get back into things one of these days, and just come to the sedarim. That's my goal at this point.

Kollel Guy wrote on 19 Jan 2010 07:02:


my dear friend KG,

what do you think that if you are in a big yerida so a break time from the kolel will heal you and take you up??  > >
NO, NO my dear.  i tell you that this is absolutely the YH advice. as long as you out of the kolel the time (along with the YH) will keep take you down and down

you remind me my son and i tell you why.
he do some mistakes when he reading (he's in class 5) and i  tell him that in order to read well he should read a lot of books.
but he is lazy to do that although he has a very intresting books.

since i know that those books are really intresting i told him just to enforce himself to start read them. 10 pages enough

the begining was a bit difficult to him but after he began he continued to read and the rest was less less difficult.

he just had to start, to do the little effort to take the first step and start reading.
after that everything gonna be well.

so, you have to return to the kollel as soon as possible.

try that, my dear. if you won't take the first step now you will never take it.

as the song says "its now or never"  

By the way,
i see you doing good,
it's the longest streak you have had here in GYE, isn't it??

KUTGW gever.
we gonna grab you by your neck  up and up and up.  ;D ;D ;D

there is no way back.

Well said, OL!

Reb KG - We're not talking about some other guy in your kollel - we're talking about you. He might do it efortlessly, and for you, it will require much effort, even just to put in effort. But you can do it. Remind yourself, many times a day, that success is measured in the fact that you're learning.

This is your chance to catch up, and learn how to learn! I can understand your frustration, as I also didn't learn for many years...you can do this, though...

I'm davening for your success!