God is helping you. I just read allot of your thread and was planning to suggest you ask you wife to put a password on the computer and lock you out. I guess she beat me to do it.

If you are not into learning start reading up on other subjects. Maybe learn allot of Chumash in depth or try Ramchal or mussar. Have you ever tried Ali Shur from R Wolbe. I know Dr Twereski recommends it.

Lots of luck and look for things that interest you. maybe have a long talk with your Rebbe about your general direction in life.

Alei Shur is incredible, although the hebrew is rather high-level. Might be helpful to look around - there are some mp3's of various people going through it.

DAY 7 tuesday, Vaeira
The official one week ceremony.
Today was pretty good - 90 days wise.
Went to 1st seder, bugged out and left.
Went to 2nd seder, bugged out and left.
Night seder chavrusa didn't show.
I was so good today, didn't go near anything I shouldn't.
But I'm pretty depressed. I gotta get myself back to my normal self.
I just randomly picked up my ipod and scrolled down to some non-jewish music I had left there.
As I was listening, I realized what I'm missing. I need life. I'm going through the motions, even the mental motions. There's no life in them. Only what I think of as responsibility. But it's not really. It's just regilus.
I'm missing something, but I can't put my finger on it. What will bring me life? This aerosmith - nah. It's not real, even though I am feeling something for the first time in a while. It's a cheap reflection of what true emotion on a rediculously low level should be. But I'm feeling it. I want to go tell H-shem that I love him and want to do everything and anything necessary to fix myself for him.
It's such a shame that the only way I get to feel this is by taking a tumah pill.
Oh well, I guess you can't have everything. I'm a week clean and I should be happy about that.

go do some chesed. like volunteer in a soup kitchen. Or go sing for people at the hospital (bring a guitar if you can play). DO something. Go to an aish seminar (ur in the old city right?) When you're "bored" when you shouldn't be... take advantage of your holy city. Theres SO much to do.

KG

If we always FELT the closeness

We would not yearn for it

And not enjoy it

KG

Part of being an adult is doing what's right because its right not because it feels good

I know everyone on this forum (starting with me) Gives chizzuk 24/6

But... But.. The gretest chizzuk is the fact that Yes you can

Even if its hard even if you fel no geshmakk

In this stupid addiction nothing makes sense

And as RebbeRebBer=DOV says

"Why do you need to figure it out"

KG keep on truckin

Yes even if you feel nothing!!

B 

I know this is going to be a bit controversial, but that Aerosmith aint the worst thing either... as long as the words are not dripping with pritzus, I really don't think a little bit of goyish music from time to time is gonna kill anyone, if it gives you a good feeling and gets you back on your game (of course I'm biased, as we speak I'm listening to Grind by Alice in Chains...) The words are relatively meaningless

In the darkest hole, you'd be well advised
Not to plan my funeral before the body dies, yeah
Come the morning light, it's a see through show

What you may have heard and what you think you know, yeah
Let the sun never blind your eyes
Let me sleep so my teeth don't grind
Hear a sound from a voice inside
Sure to play a part, so you love the game
And in truth your lies become one and same, yeah
I could set you free, rather hear the sound

Of your body breaking as I take you down, yeah
Let the sun never blind your eyes
Let me sleep so my teeth don't grind
Hear a sound from a voice inside

In the darkest hole, you'd be well advised

Not to plan my funeral before the body dies, yeah
Let me sleep so my teeth don't grind
Let the sun never blind your eyes
Hear a sound from a voice inside

I don't think it is such a big deal...


not that I'm encouraging it, just that I'm encouraging not beating yourself up for enjoying a bit of Aerosmith

Either way, grab yourself a glaizel of Slivovitz, and sip it slowly while learning a geshmake Tosfos!!

K G try to learn Ali Shur. It will help you find meaning in life.

DAY 8 Wed Vaera
Woke up on time, said thank you to H-shem for that, (bec I went to sleep at like 2) and then went back to sleep.
Retaded no? Welcome to my life.
1st seder didn't exist.
Ok MAJOR revolution in the KG residence: KG went to 2nd seder!!!
I still learnt with the same frustrating chavrusa, (I don't know why in the world he didn't dump me yet), but compered to doing nothing it's like learning with the Chofetz Chayim. I'm super-serious.
Night seder is back on track as well, just finished a perek today.
As far as the main reason I'm on GUE, well I had a few uchy thoughts today, nothing major, but I held on too long. I gotta work on taharas ha'machshava sometime, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Working on bigger things at the moment.
I still can't figure out if I should do SA or RR. SA is more commonly known by people, and I could probably get a lot more outside help, but RR really talks to me. So in the meantime I'm doing nothing. Smart huh?
I hope this is the beginning of my getting back to life.
And BTW I realized today, that if I want my life to be alive and b'simcha - I can do it. I just have to want it. It's really easy, and really simple.

What's RR? ??? :-[

Glad to hear that your life is getting back on track! That's awesome - and mazal tov on finishing a perek!

Good luck being more alive - sounds like you're already on your way!

If your already into SA then don't even look at it, it will just confuse you. But if not then check it out, it's very interesting.
Much more into getting you into "accepting responsibility" then "letting go and letting G-d".

DAY 9 Thurs Vaera
Missed Shacris, skipped all sedorim today, didn't learn an blasted word other than a few mishnayos and some chovos halevavos.
Very late at night I managed to get in a couple of hours of learning.
I "sort of, almost, not really" slipped today. I clicked "to see" what something was, even though I knew it wasn't good, but I also knew K9 blocks it, so I don't even know why the heck I clicked it.
But anyway, I'm doing pretty well with watching my eyes in the street.
I wonder if there's a way to get yourself not to care about what goes on in the street. Does anyone have a way of working on this?
I know it's sort of la la land-ish, but I actually saw in a sefer that there exists such a thing.
OK, whatever, we're working on being pn free now (without relying solely on a filter), let hechere zachin be for the moment.

Top 5 ways to not care  anymore about what is passing on the street;

1. Poke out your eyes with your thumbs

2. Cement your eyes shut

3. Don't go out on the street

4. cut yourself deeply on your forehead just above the eyes

5. walk around in a refrigerator box

Or you can go out into the straight caring about what goes on out there, but willing yourself to not LOOK!

May the Lord Bless you with much Hatzlacha in this area!!!

DAY 10 Erev Shabbos Vaera
Today was awesome!!
I was too busy running around like a maniac to even think about pn.
Shabbos Kodesh Rosh Chodesh
H-shem Pease help me keep to all my new and old kabbalos...

it's been mentioned before...if you're thinking about other things, that helps, because you don't even consider what else is happening. Pick something to review, or think more deeply about.

Actually...R' Yeruchum discusses this idea...am I allowed to post R' Yeruchum's on your thread? 

When Yackov and Eisav were still inside Rivka, and so when Rivka passed a beis medrash, Yackov would try to get out, and when she passed a beis avodah zarah, eisav would try to get out. But what does that mean? How did they know where they were? It seems astonishing.

But we need to realize that spirituality is real - in fact, realer than the physical world around us. Travelers use a compass, which always points north - no matter which way you turn it. it'll always spin around and face north. The same is true of spirituality - to the extent that we're connected to kedusha, we'll be drawn to kedusha. And that's why yackov struggled to get out - he felt himself drawn, on the deepest level, to what Rivka was passing - as clearly as a compass pointing north.

Then he says the part which relates to us most clearly - When we walk down the street, it's like we're constantly being pulled by ropes - we look this way, then that way, and it seems like random glancing. R' Yeruchum says that no - we're being pulled by the things we have connection to.

We need to fight those connections, and focus on our internal world. On the things we want to connect to - that's why for me, if I can, thinking in learning is great, or listening to a shiur.

Have a great shabbos!

DAY 11 Shabbos Kodesh
Fri night I went to sleep early to get up at 5 and learn before shacharis.
Well that certainly didn't happen. But I woke up late enough shabbos morning, that I had to go daven in a different shul, and missed my friends kiddush.
But I'm not too concerned.
Rosh Chodesh though... It's like a mini-Rosh Hashana.
Sunday I'm starting a 40 day project of sticking to a specific pre-planned schedule.
I'd like to have 40 days of productive learning days by the time purim rolls around - 45 days from now.

I was reading tonight in a sefer, that "it's not what you do, but how you do it ". Well, for me it's exactly the opposite. I have worked so much on the "how"s and the "why"s that I neglected the actual actions and accustoming myself to doing them always and properly. So I basically have the "lishmah" and the "realizing what your doing and why" in order (of course there are millions of levels, but I mean on a very basic level), but I am completely not used to doing anything against my nature for H-shem, as much as I understand how necessary the act might be, and notwothstanding all the hours I put into shaping my intentions to be in the right place...
Sometimes I like to think that it's so hard for me to just come to seder, specifically because I really mean H-shem, and therefore the y"h really cares about stopping me more than everybody else. But the truth is - I'm just genuinely lazy. With everything, not just learning and good stuff.
If there's one thing I feel I need to work on more than anything else - it's getting into the habit of shaking a leg.

I'll be more than delighted if anyone can give me suggestions on how to overcome the middah of laziness....