ok this is s sharf vort but i think it brings out the point
The lechovitzer oncesaid about a so called godel who died, that hashem will give him a big boruch  habah for they havent seen each other for 80 years.
food for thought

That's me.
H-shem has become to me, an intellectual concept to which I cannot get close to on a personal level.
I try very hard to realize he's my father, but I just can't get the idea past "theoretical" zone.
There's a very thick wall between me as a person and H-shem.
I daven all the time that he should take it away, but if anything - it has gotten worse. Not better.
Don't C"V get me wrong, my emunah is in place. I have no sefakos.
I know he realizes that I don't choose to be this way, and that I want very much to live my life with a real feeling of attatchment to him.
Who knows. Maybe he knows this is not good for me at this point in my life.
I'm hoping there is some place I'm supposed to come to, where this will no longer be necessary.
Whenever I see a vort in a sefer which give an eitzah on how to feel kirvas H-shem - I jump at it.
If I'm lucky it works for a 1/2 hour. Then the words become dead to me.
I don't use this as an excuse, although it certainly does make things extremely difficult.
The torah was not given with any sort of tnai, that would make the mitzvos in their entirety are any less binding due to a lack of perception of importance, or to feelings of meaninglessness. A command is a command. If you can keep the mitzvos with ahavah - awesome! If with yirah - also great. If neither? So do them without meaning. He's H-shem. He has the right to tell his creations to listen to him even if they don't feel they care.
Besides. As long as I know he's just telling me what to do - in order to be good to me, it makes the general concept a lot easier to accept.
I honestly believe that this will one day end. But I'm just waiting paitently until then.
If anyone has any eitzos on the topic - I'll be more than thrilled to see them.

KG, every day we are born anew. The Avodah of yesterday has nothing to do with today's. Yesterday's Avodah was to learn without a moment of Batala and have kavana by every Shehakol... The next day you wake up and your avodah is to catch davening before Chatzos and not browse p**n that day.

A true eved Hashem rejoices with whatever job he is given. One day he is asked to shine the king's throne, the next day he is asked to scrub the toilets of the king. If he does them both with joy, then he has truly proven his loyalty to the king.




I have a feeling that you will... Stick with us, and one day you'll be one of the big players on GYE, I sense it already now... There's something special about you that I can't pinpoint, but I feel it inside my heart. You'll be helping thousands of Yidden one day.

guardureyes, you right!!
this man deep in his heart is very kaddosh man.
this is all an external peels he just has to shed them and hes gonna be the bomb of the forum.
take it  KG and take off to the 90!

Thank you for all your kind words.
I just hope one day I'll see things as positively as you guys do.

Kollel Guy wrote on 04 Jan 2010 22:35:
Dont hope. DO!! This is not something that comes with time and not even something that comes with being clean. This is a life decision that we need to make, That we will start looking at life through positive eyes. IF ANYTHING THIS will bring you to being clean and not the other way around. Youve got to believe in yourself KG!!

Kollel Guy wrote on 04 Jan 2010 13:26:

To a tiyere Yungerman,
As I have said, your words and your attitude break my heart. It is very hard for me to formulate what I feel into words.
But i will try by saying this: You have to connect with the simple, naive, temeemosdika boy, that you were before you entered the Yeshiva world. To do this you must relax yourself spiritually and being so demanding on yourself. Think about this, and if you feel that you can connect with this, I will try to give you some thoughts which helped for me in similar situations.
Ovadia

I'm new here and stand in awe of your struggle.

I mean that. I don't know if your familiar with the Tanya by the first Chabad Rebbe. It is a book based on the thousands of conversation the Baal Hatanya had with his Chassidim and spiritual seekers, basically spirtiual counseling, not unlike what goes on in this forum. The fundemental idea in the firts section of the Tanya is that all of us (besides for a few Tzadikkim in every generation) have an Animalistic side to us that will never completely be eradicated. Therefore, the arena in which we are to serve Hashem is primarily in Speech Thought and Action...The fact that you have the Desire is completely normal and it's only Atzas Hyetzer to feel bad about your desires...If these ideas have already been covered I apologize in advance...

The main thing is Mr. Kollel Guy...Believe it or not, the honesty of your latest posts helped me get through a very hard test I had the entire afternoon yesterday. Thank you!!!

I'm about to finish the 1st part (lekutei amarim), but since I've been in a yeridah for a while, which entails no seder, or mussar seder lately, I've been "almost by nun-gimel" for a long time.

This was probably the best thing I heard since I found this forum.

Try and stay positive.  The best thing you can do is actually live the change and do it.  KUTGW!!!  I know it's hard.  We are all here for you and will help you.  You inspire us by just being here.  Live, laugh and love.

Who said that, Tupac?

I have a vort for you that I heard personally from the holy Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman shlita.

He said that there are many midas inside of a person. Kinah, taivah, ahavah, etc. And basically everything, even the negative ones, can be used for good things.

He gave a mashal that there once was a meshulach who came to town and started to collect. He went to some guy in town and asked him to point him to the "unpayables," rich guys who were known to never give money under any circumstance. The meshulach claimed to be able to get money from ANYONE, and indeed, as we shall see, he was good.

The first house he went to he listened in, and heard there was some juicy lashon hara going down in there. He knocked on the door and asked to be admitted in and that he was collecting, and the door slammed on his face. The meshulach yelled at the door, "Now you'll never know what so and so said about you across the block" and proceeded to walk away. The door opened and the baal bos ran to him and asked, "What did he say? Nu nu nu?" In short, the meshulach walked away with a fat wad of cash at the end of it by buying into the man's bad midah.

He went around town doing this, and eventually came to a house that looked odd. This house contained the richest man around, and no one had ever collected a cent from him. It soon became clear why. The house had no doors or windows. But the meshulach said, "I know this house has people inside of it. Eventually one will come out somehow. I just have to wait for it to happen."

That house represents atimus halev. There's nothing you can do about atimus halev, like when you feel you have no connection with Hashem, that you have no will to do anything, etc. But eventually, if you keep on going through the motions, eventually the house will open up, and this too shall pass.

You'll get through the timtum, holy brother! Just power through.

NOYA wrote on 05 Jan 2010 22:18:

Open your Heart to this Vort on Haftoras Vayera

Keilim raikim Al Tamiti!!!

Vessels

By Rafi Rosenberg


A woman, the wife of one of the prophets, called out to Elisha: "My husband, your servant, has died... and the creditor has come to take my two sons as slaves."

Said Elisha to her: "...Tell me, what have you in your home?" And she answered: "Your maid has nothing in the house but a cruse of oil."

Said [Elisha]: "Go, borrow vessels... from all your neighbors; empty vessels, only that they not be few... And pour [of your oil] into these vessels..." (II Kings 4:1-4; from the Haftorah for Parshat Vayeira)


-------------------

In the fourth chapter of Kings II we read of the "miracle of the cruse of oil" performed by the prophet Elisha. An impoverished widow sought the help of Elisha, crying that her debtors are about to take her two children as slaves, and all she possesses is a single cruse of oil. The prophet tells her to borrow as many empty vessels as she can and to proceed to fill them with oil from her cruse. Miraculously, the oil keeps on flowing as long as there are vessels to receive it.

Chassidic teaching explains the deeper significance of the widow's quandary and Elisha's advice:

A woman, the wife of one of the prophets, called out to Elisha -- The soul of fire1 calls out to G-d.

"My husband, your servant, has died... -- My service of You is lifeless, devoid of inspiration. I yearn to fill my deeds with meaning and significance...

...and the creditor has come to take my two sons as slaves." -- but my animalistic inclinations are monopolizing my emotions. They want me to love the present and revere the temporal. They cloud my vision of Your all-pervading, eternal truth.

Said Elisha to her: "What do you have in your home?" -- G-d answers, "What is left of your soul that it can call its own?"

And she answered: "Your maid has nothing in the house, save a small cruse of oil." -- "Nothing but the pristine essence of my soul, the 'small cruse of oil' at her core that remains forever unsullied by the mundanities of life."

Said [Elisha]: "Borrow vessels from your neighbors; empty vessels, only that they not be few... -- -Act. Continue to do positive and G-dly deeds, many positive and G-dly deeds, even if they seem borrowed and empty to you. Remember, deeds are vessels, ready recipients for content and fulfillment...

...and pour [of your oil] into these vessels... -- The more vessels you acquire, the more your "oil" will flow from its source and fill your actions with meaning and significance. Without the vessel of deed, there is nothing to provoke the oil of inspiration. Ultimately, if you persist in doing what you know to be just and right, your divine essence will fill your every "empty vessel."


FOOTNOTES
1.  Ishah, the Hebrew word for "woman," is of the same root as the word aish, fire -- a refrence to the soul who's called "a candle of G-d" (Proverbs 20:27) and whose relationship with G-d is described as the relationship between a wife and her husband.

OK HB, who says this vort?
It is truly too amazing to be real.
Please tell me it's the Alter Rebbe or somthing...

DAY 1 (vol II)
OK everybody, here I come.
Day one was a breeze.
And I don't get to be depressed about bitul Torah, because it was nitul today.
I got an 89 day streak ahead of me, and from there - to life.
I'm back and I'm black and I'm out to blaze through this %$#& track.
One of 90 - check!
See you all tomorrow.