Hey there, a guteh voch!

Been struggling a lot with porn lately, feeling hopeless, demoralized and defeated. Despite my efforts and sacrifices for staying clean in recent months, I have been unable to do so for any significant period of time. 

On Friday, I listened to a frum dating podcast that discussed porn addiction, interviewing a frum sex therapist. In it she said, amongst other things, that before dating one must be 3-6 months clean, and that one must disclose ones struggle to the girl is dating, obviously not too early. Both of these things were very distressing to hear from a professional, and I had a mini panic attack. As I may have mentioned, after putting it off for quite a while, I agreed to start shidduchim. My mother is looking into a girl right now that already agreed to date me, so the pressure is on...

I emailed this therapist, relating my story and questioning whether everything she said on the podcast applies to me, as I didn't think I was an addict-based on my conversations with many people from this site. She responded pretty quickly and comprehensively, saying that it's definitely possible, even probable that I am an addict. She suggested I see a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) and get evaluated. I'm waiting for her to send me a referral for someone in my area.

The prospect of having to carry the additional baggage of addiction in addition to all my other mental health s*** is daunting and scary. Feeling very overwhelmed. 

I also booked an extra session with my regular therapist to discuss this issue with him early this week.

Will let ya'll know what happens,
Thanks for reading
OivedElokim

I feel feel you brother, but while it may be scary, it might also be the best clarity in your life, and the start to healing yourself, never have I met an addict that missed the time in his life he didn't think he's an addict yet....

Whatever life's brings I hope you feel better. Your a good dude bro.

Spoke to my regular therapist today (fell asleep at 4:30 last night, after tossing and turning, repeatedly masturbating, dreading the session). 
He really put me at ease. He thought that the idea that I’m an addict is laughable and said that it was quite irresponsible for a therapist who doesn’t know the details of my situation to suggest otherwise.

Nevertheless, I still plan to talk to this CSAT tomorrow just to hear his side of things, and maybe go in for a session or two. Idk if it’s even worth the investment tbh, now that I’m thinking about it.
I might still be open to going to Porn Anonymous meetings. I feel like the fellowship and spirituality might do me a lot of good, even if I’m not technically an addict…
Anyways, addict or not, my porn usage is out of hand and I plan to write a contract tomorrow and share it with a few accountability partners. I hope the plan (incentives/deterrents/accountability) is successful. 

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Hope to share good news in the coming days.

OivedElokim wrote on 14 Mar 2023 04:17:

I’m loss for words.

Keep pulling through! You are insane at what you’re aiming towards to achieve, very exciting.

I have seen a lot of your posts and I do feel for your situations, it’s rough but the fact you are actually pushing to accomplish and not just thoughts is very telling to get somewhere BeH!! 

Wish you Hatzlacha with lots of love OivedElokim

Update:
Gonna write up a contract tonight, might share some elements of it here.

Going to see this Certified Sex Addiction Therapist tomorrow, will see what he says.

Wish me luck
OivedElokim

OivedElokim wrote on 15 Mar 2023 02:33:

Hatzlacha, it must be not easy at all . Again wish you the best and thanks for updating!

Dov is excellent in helping determine if one is an addict. Maybe reach out to him.

Ok, so the therapist doesn't think I'm a straight up addict. He suggested I get more involved on here (as if that were possible ) and maybe join the 12 step phone calls with Dov. I think I'm gonna look into that.

I still didn't write my contract, keep pushing it off. I feel like I'm also procrastinating about doing it cause I'm afraid it's gonna be a flop.

Anyways that's the story,
OivedElokim

Day #1

Set myself a 30 day goal with knasos and incentives and accountability texts and all the good stuff. Feeling pretty good after being clean for just 24 hours. My goal is limited to consuming porn and any other erotic stimuli, but it wouldn't disappoint me if I also managed to abstain from masturbation over this coming month. 

I've been here many times before. I've set goals, made deals with accountability partners etc. It has only worked on a handful of occasions. From a logical point of view I'm not sure what's gonna make this time different. I think it might be the overwhelming frustration I feel now more then ever, like I hit rock bottom in some sense. Hopefully that will help motivate me and push me past the finish line. Also, I'm gonna try to work on this issue not just from a practical point of view but also from a spiritual one, enlisting G-d to help me in this fault. Cause I'm not sure I can do it alone...

Thanks for reading. Please wish me luck!
OivedElokim

I just reset my 90 day tracker. I felt like it was dishonest to claim that I had over 1800 cumulative days clean when many of them were simply due to me not reporting falls. From now on I'll try to be on top of reporting falls when they happen so my cumulative days accurately represent my progress.

Day #2

Thank god I managed to stay clean over Shabbos. I had serious urges to masturbate Friday night but I managed to overcome them. Even though avoiding masturbation is not officially part of my 30 day goal, I really would like to stay clean from it as well. I’m not sure how to motivate myself to do that. To go from masturbating daily, often multiple times a day to quitting cold turkey is gonna be challenging. But I hope I can pull it off…
I’ll try to come up with a plan for that with the help of my accountability partners. 

Thanks for reading! Looking forward to another clean day tomorrow,
OivedElokim

Day #3



No serious urges today, BH. 

Had a pretty productive day so far.

This is the first time I've stayed clean for this long in at least a month, probably more. I'm so happy (giddy?) about it...

Gonna do my best to ensure that I stay clean going forward.

Made up with someone to read a chapter of the Battle of the Generation every night. Tbh I started it and did not find it terribly compelling or inspiring. But I'm desperate enough to stay clean to give it another shot.



Thanks for reading,

OivedElokim

That's amazing. I'm on the same journey and your strength inspires me

Day #4

High stress day, feeling overwhelmed with managing my finances, my job and my learning. Did not feel successful, though I functioned well. But I'm grateful to report that I am clean, BH. 

All the best,
OivedElokim

My dear friend, I'm sorry for the difficulties. I want you to know that that last sentence literally warmed my heart. Keep trucking!