So here is the text of my new contract:


I had a similar issue last night as yesterday-the photos that I heroically deleted yesterday were backed up on my Google Photos...Didn't have the same reaction that I had yesterday, and I succumbed to the temptation, though not before texting two buddies, BH. Already gave the $10 to Tzedakah and deleted the pictures.

I'm still fairly confident that this contract will yield the desired results even though I fell right after making it. I find that contracts are helpful only if I eliminated all external erotic stimuli from my reach. Consequences don't stop me easily if the tayvah is right in front of me. So now that I cleaned up my phone I'm sure I'll be able to get through the next two weeks clean, and hopefully beyond that...

Thanks for reading,
OivedElokim

OivedElokim wrote on 06 Sep 2022 16:03:

awesome that you have found a tool that helps you. Just curious, what is it about this contract that helps you, is it the financial consequence? The accountability to another person? Something else?

I think those two elements complement each other, also maybe the fact that I am formally declaring that I'll stop makes it less of an option then if I was more open ended about it.

Hey there, just checking in.
Ran into a little snag which I will not share here for multiple reasons. Working through the problem offline with a few chevreh from the site.
I hope to report my first full day clean tomorrow morning.

OivedElokim

I am committed to staying accountable to you guys through this forum. 
In the past I had the tendency to stick around here when things were going relatively well, but when I got into the cycle of falling often, I would stay away, partly out of shame and partly because I didn't have an interest in trying to stop.
I am trying to avoid that pitfall, to remain accountable to you guys here, even though it is difficult at times, and post honestly about all of my ups and downs. Despite the unsolicited advice that I hate to get but often do, the costs of not posting outweigh the benefits, in my current estimation. The following makes me feel like a foolish loser that doesn't stand a chance in this fight, but like I said, I'm committed to sharing everything because I need the all the help and chizuk I can get. So here goes, no holds barred...

So last night I was triggered by something, and I felt week. Reached out to two buddies from here, spoke to one for over an hour, and had an extensive texting convo with the other (Thank you to both of you, you guys know who you are...)
That gave me some chizuk, and I prepared to go to sleep, still clean.

Couldn't fall asleep, and started thinking about how unfair this whole struggle is. How Hashem makes me sexually attracted to every pretty girl I see, how that tayva won't even go away when I have a kosher outlet (marriage). How my whole life I'll be condemned to fighting this powerful biological drive, whether it's the temptation of P&M, or worse. How the world is chock full of triggers, even if you make many sacrifices to stay clean, problems always keep cropping up. I got genuinely angry at G-d for creating in me an appetite for something I'm never allowed to have.
I really understand the reason the Jews in the midbar cried over the issur of arayos,  כמארז"ל ע"פ בוכה למשפחותיו 

This anger and frustration "justified" the next step, which was touching myself etc. I convinced myself that I wouldn't finish, and you can probably guess how that went...After intense fantasizing for about 20 minutes, broken up by efforts to distract myself, I succumbed to my desires.

I feel so stupid and incompetent. I was so sure that this contract would save me, but now I see that I value sexual pleasure so much that I'll pay a lot of money to get it...

I think I'm a lost case.

Seeing many others on this site who are succeeding and zipping past me only exacerbates my frustration.

I'm pissed off. At myself and at G-d.

Hoping I'll have better news to share next time,
OivedElokim

Hey, I totally get your frustration and anger. In my first post on the forum I expressed a similar sentiment I wrote...



BH I'm in a much better place now and you will be too. I see the way you write abut your struggle and the fact that when you were in the throes of temptation you stuck to your contract, talking and texting other people for help and i think that's awesome.

Not giving you any advice but just wanted to let you know that I  feel for you and you definitely should not feel stupid or incompetent...quite the opposite you're an Oived Elokim.

Chaim

Maybe add to your contract that you have to write in a diary 5 nice things you do each day. Let's build up the pride. The list can include making a bracha with a tad more kavana, giving tzedaka, witholding from speaking a "juicy" piece of lashon hara, calling your parents to be mekayem kibud av v'eim, learning a few extra minutes, etc - anything bein adam l'chaveiro, or bein adam l'makom. The reality is that shmattes watch pornography and masturbate much more than fellows with pride. Presently you appear to be majorly focused on a weak area, and in a bit of a panic about it. If you keep up this habit of recording nice things you do, iyh you will have a long list of compliments for yourself to be mechazek yourself with during trying times. Just suggesting.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 07 Sep 2022 18:51:

Thank you very much for the idea. I think I'll give it a shot. I do try to journal regularly, although my goal with that is more to record and organize my thoughts, and I want to keep that as a separate thing. I think I'll make a point of posting my 5 daily wins on this forum. It will definitely shift the tone of this thread in a more positive direction.
I'll be back later today to post my 5 for today, gotta go now and rack up a good score....

On a totally different note, I want to express gratitude to the founders of this site, but not for the obvious reasons-the tremendous resources they provide to help us break free from lust. Sure, I'm grateful for that obviously, but here I want to add something else:

One of my big complaints about contemporary frum society is the fact that the different sects (for lack of a better word-I hate it too ) don't mingle much. Chassidish, Yeshivish, MO, Chabad etc Jews rarely live in the same communities, daven at the same shuls, or associate with each other in many other ways. This de facto segregation has a lot of negative consequences, foremost being that we don't get to learn from each other and see things from a different Torah-true perspective. In many cases it also breeds mutual distrust or even contempt for other derachim. Speaking from my own experience. This is something that has always bothered me, and I'm not sure if or how we can rectify it and bring people together. But I definitely think we can expend more effort on building bridges. I think if we figured it out we would bring Moshiach much quicker. 

What does all this have to do with GYE? Being on GYE has given me the opportunity to interact with and connect to frum Jews of all stripes. We often have much in common besides for the struggles that brought us here in the first place. The mutual respect and concern we have for each other regardless for our differences in hashkafa and culture is truly remarkable. I have learned a lot from my friends from the site and speak to them about much more then lust struggles. Sometimes I wish I could be this vulnerable and open with "real life" friends. Anyways these relationships have greatly enriched my life and broadened my perspective on my things. I pray that in the merit of this Achdus Hashem give us success in our struggles and sends us Moshiach ASAP.

Thanks for reading!
OivedElokim

 On a totally different note, I want to express gratitude to the founders of this site, but not for the obvious reasons-the tremendous resources they provide to help us break free from lust. Sure, I'm grateful for that obviously, but here I want to add something else:



One of my big complaints about contemporary frum society is the fact that the different sects (for lack of a better word-I hate it too ) don't mingle much. Chassidish, Yeshivish, MO, Chabad etc Jews rarely live in the same communities, daven at the same shuls, or associate with each other in many other ways. This de facto segregation has a lot of negative consequences, foremost being that we don't get to learn from each other and see things from a different Torah-true perspective. In many cases it also breeds mutual distrust or even contempt for other derachim. Speaking from my own experience. This is something that has always bothered me, and I'm not sure if or how we can rectify it and bring people together. I think if we figured it out we would bring Moshiach much quicker. 



What does all this have to do with GYE? Being on GYE has given me the opportunity to interact with and connect to frum Jews of all stripes. We often have much in common besides for the struggles that brought us here in the first place. The mutual respect and concern we have for each other regardless for our differences in hashkafa and culture is truly remarkable. I have learned a lot from my friends from the site and speak to them about much more then lust struggles. Sometimes I wish I could be this vulnerable and open with "real life" friends. Anyways these relationships have greatly enriched my life and broadened my perspective on my things. I pray that in the merit of this Achdus Hashem give us success in our struggles and sends us Moshiach ASAP.



Thanks for reading!

OivedElokimThis is very true. Our relationships here are nafshiusdik, and rise way above our modes of dress and dialects.  It is a constant reminder that nobody has the copyright on yiras shomayim. So many various people from varying backgrounds all want the same thing. To be part of the am kadosh and close to Hashem. Hatzlocha to all.

There's this guy on the site that keeps messaging me to tell him how I fell, what I fantasized about etc. I get the impression that he's just here to feed his addiction. How do I block and report him?

OivedElokim wrote on 07 Sep 2022 19:49:

If you open the chat, there's an arrow to the right of the guys username. If you click the arrow you'll get options to block and report.

re: Seeing many others on this site who are succeeding and zipping past me only exacerbates my frustration.

very important to keep in perspective that no two people have the same circumstances and nisyonos. Someone else may have a 1000 day streak without putting in half the effort that you are putting in. We are judged by our efforts, not by our perceived accomplishments. (see chapter 20 of The Battle of the Generation) You are clearly putting in tremendous effort and you should be proud of that no matter how many times you might fall.

wishing you continued success
vehkam

Winding down for the night. Have a lot of thoughts I wanted to post but I want to go to sleep so I'll leave them for another time.

5 Mitzvah notes for myself today:

1. All three Tefillos b'tzibur.
2. Multiple chavrusos during the day
3. Solo learning
4. Tzedakah before Shachris
5. Spoke to a GYE friend and exchanged Divrei Torah and chizuk.

Essentially some of these could be split up, but at least today there's no need, BH.

Good night,
OivedElokim

Good morning boys!
Proud to report that for the first time in recent memory, I went to sleep without masturbating, bez"h.
Hope this is the beginning of a good streak (yes, I know judging success by streaks is sometimes counterproductive, but I find it very motivating...) 

Gonna go out there and learn some Torah and do some Mitzvos. More on that later...

Thank you for reading,
OivedElokim

OivedElokim wrote on 07 Sep 2022 19:38:

What a beautiful reflection! Forming groups and feeling a sense of camaraderie is an important spiritual need for most people. Yidden are no different in that regard. We feel empowered and a sense of belonging when we can find ourselves in our uniquely Chassidishe, Yeshivish, Modern, etc. chevra. The problem that you identified is the sometimes negative parts of tribalism that go along with forming those groups. The "us vs. them" mentality. The need to justify one's own group's position by denigrating the position of another. GYE is also a group, but because of the subject matter (and the urgency) and the earnestness of the chevra, the group transcends Orthodox Jewish perspectives and styles and other demographic divides. I love it too, @OivedElokim. I love it too!