Last night I took a very difficult yet important step for my recovery. I asked my roomate to change the password on his laptop so that I can't use it to be nichshal. Didn't tell him in person, nor did I tell him why, though anybody with a half a brain could figure it out. I felt very embarrassed and I struggled with myself for a few days, delibirating if, how and when I should do it. In the end I just took the plunge. I felt brave, even heroic. It was one of the hardest things I can remember doing.

I also fantasized and masturbated last night. But in the bigger picture, my actions last night brought me closer to my goal of staying clean, not further.
I'm thankful to Hashem for giving me the strength to make that move, as well as to @HHM and @YG for encouraging me to do it.

I pray that Hashem should allow me to continue to make progress on this front as well as in every other area of Avodas Hashem, that I should look back at this period of my life and be proud of the sacrifices I made, the steps I took, and the goals I achieved.

Thanks for reading.
OE

Fell again tonight. Haven't seen porn in two weeks but masturbation is a constant struggle. I keep finding ways to find arousing material on music streaming apps (this time Apple Music-found out that they have music videos...). I think I may need to give up my music for the sake of staying clean. That's a tough pill to swallow for a music junkie like me....
I've also realized how desperately I'm pursuing this stuff, like my life depends on ejaculating yet again. That's definitely a mindset issue that I need to work on, independent of whether I have access to explicit stuff or not. If I don't change the way I think about masturbation-as a necessity- I'll always find ways to get my release...
But again, amidst the feelings of frustration, stagnation and failure, I need to remember that I am taking this seriously, I am fighting hard, I am doing difficult things, and I am making sacrifices to stay clean. I'm not a total failure just cause I don't have a 150 day clean streak. I pray that I get there soon enough...

Hi OivedElokim, 

I feel your pain on the music as a fellow music lover (my favorite is Neil Young). During my last fall I also found ways to find sexual content on pretty much every app on my phone. Unfortunately that included spotify, apple music, and the apple podcast app. For me when taiva hits particularly strong I get into a certain mode and unlock an incredible degree of creativity in finding new ways to access unkosher content on seemingly safe apps, and having those apps on my phone was ultimately like standing above a pit. It's hard sometimes still not having access to spotify and my playlists but on the other hand I'm seeing more success now as I just don't have access to those loopholes. I also feel a bit better not walking around with earbuds in all the time and am becoming more able to enjoy life without the accompanying soundtrack. Regarding your last paragraph, beautifully said. You're an inspiration. I have no doubt you will get to 150 and beyond!

@Oived do you have an iPhone? Because you can block music videos with Apple restrictions if you do….

Yes I do. Thanks, I'll look into that.

Oived, I'm going to ask you a question,  and truthfully it's a question  I ask myself sometimes. 

If things are going in a circle and havent changed much, why keep trying the same thing?

I think for years you have been talking about closing loopholes, some people can get clean thru closing loopholes, but in this case, it seems to me you are chasing this impossible  dream of closing all loopholes.

By all means close every avenue to shmutz yiuyou can,  after all, why make the fight harder on yourself. But unless you decide to get rid of your smartphone and stop using the internet, what else is missing that can take you to the next level?

Point well taken. I still have some hope that I can patch up all the holes, and I'm going to keep working in that direction for the time being. But you raise a valid point, and I'm afraid you might be correct in the long run. Giving up my smartphone is a notion that is unimaginable to me right now, as I rely on it so heavily for so many things. 
As far as you asking this question of yourself, if you don't mind me asking the following-you seem to have things under control to some degree, judging by your streak (I know it's not super long, but in my current state anything over 4 days is a lot...). What is it that causes you to ask this of yourself?
Also, (forgive me for my insolence) I'm curious to know what you answer yourself, if you do.

There is a saying in 12 steps, if nothing changes, then nothing changes (or something like that)

Another line. The definition of  Insanity is trying the same thing and expecting different results. 

To me, we try things to see if they work, and typically we start at the low hanging fruit. Eventually thiugh, if the low hanging fruit doesnt fix it, it means more needs to he do e. What i cannot tell you. That's something  you need to discover for yourself. 

Personally  I have changed my recovery methods multiple times, though some may say I never tried the hardest ones (talking to my wife or going to a live 12 step). That being said, I have been trying multiple things over the years. 

Each one has been somewhat of a progression in challenging me.

WHat im currently doing I dont feel like sharing on this forum yet, however I will say that doing the beginning of the F2F program and that section about motivation  was very clarifying.

If you want more info you know how to reach me.

Hatzlacha.

Approaching the end of day 2. I am pretty hopeful that I'll succeed to build up a long streak, or at least longer then I have at any point in recent months, as I have taken several steps to limit my access to arousing material. Additionally I am BH 20 days clean from porn. 

Had a pretty decent day, though I'm still struggling to wake up for minyan. Had a pretty satisfying learning seder, though it wasn't very long. When you focus and learn in a sing song, Gemara-as well as other limudim- become so much more enjoyable and invigorating.

I continue to find myself ogling almost every woman that enters my line of vision, mentally rating their attractiveness, imagining having sex with them, etc. I wonder when, if ever I'll be able to overcome that area of the struggle. It is incredibly frustrating, as I recommit myself to fighting this fight, at how very hard it is to avoid getting carried away with these thoughts, when triggers are literally everywhere, and the taiva remains as strong as ever, no matter how many times you actively resist it, and the thought of fighting sexual desire for my entire life is daunting, to put it mildly. It feels unfair that Hashem made us this way.

Been listening to a podcast about porn addiction that Rabbi YY Jacobson did with Eli Nash. It's very nice to see the issue being addressed and tackled in a public setting. It's like people are waking up to the issue. Hopefully with the increase in awareness in our communities will come more support and acceptance.

I'm coming off of a few hectic, emotionally turbulent days. BH I'm on my third clean day, largely due to the fact that I didn't have the time or "headspace" to masturbate. I thought I would use masturbation to self-medicate the intense emotions that I'm going through but so far I haven't. 

Don't really have a long-term plan on how to stay clean from masturbation. All my "plans" (calling partners, distracting myself, externalizing the urge) aren't worth the paper they're written on, or in this case-the screen they're typed on. Once the urge comes I totally lose control. I suppose that can be changed, though I don't know precisely how.

But BH I am a full month clean from porn, and I pray that I'll continue to have success in that area and that this success should spill over into my other struggles.

If you find that nothing is working perhaps you can commit that one day a week you will be careful no matter what. Shabbos is a good day to start. After that you can add Friday which is a very busy day usually anyway. Work your way back until you have the whole week.

You may find that the success from the first day gives you a realization that you can be more successful than you think and it will carry over one day at a time.

Just another method to try….

OivedElokim wrote on 03 Apr 2022 17:23:

Hiw did you find F2F did it help you at all?

Hi OivedElokin, 

Here's a new cutting-edge tool from the next edition of F2F called Safe Landing (otherwise known as "Drop the Anchor") which can help when the urge is so intense that we can't practice any strategies.

I'd love to hear feedback from anyone that tries it!

Safe Landing is a grounding technique that will help you tolerate strong urges or emotional storms. The technique is simple to do and can be done anywhere at any time. The idea of a Safe Landing is not to distract yourself from the storm, but to stay in control of yourself so that you don’t become overwhelmed by it. 

For example, during a flight, if a pilot finds out that there’s a hurricane up ahead - he will need to make an emergency landing. A Safe Landing won’t get rid of the hurricane, but it will keep his passengers and the aircraft in one piece.

You can do a Safe Landing by following a 3-step formula:

Step 1: Notice. Take 10 to 30 seconds to notice any thoughts, urges, feelings, or sensations that are showing up. Name them in a neutral way by using terms like "Here's a strong urge," “I am noticing a feeling”, “I’m having the thought,” or “here is this sensation.” 

For example:

• Here comes an urge
• I am noticing the feeling of anxiety, and fear…
• I am having the thought that something terrible is going to happen…
• Here comes the sensation of tension in my shoulders and stomach…
• Here is a memory
• I am noticing an image
• I’m noticing a fantasy
• I’m having an image of a fantasy

​Step 2: Ground Yourself. Continue to notice the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that you have noticed, and now you can begin to ground yourself. 

You can do this with slow and gentle movement that will help you regain a sense of control over your body, hands, and feet.  

There are many ways to do this. For example:

• Slowly bring your ten fingers together to form a triangle, and let them touch gently. 
• Slowly and gently push your feet into the ground
• Slowly place your hands on your abdomen, and focus on the gentle rise and fall of your breathing. 
• Slowly and gently stretch your arms and legs.
• Slowly and gently breathe through your nose and notice the sensations of the air flowing in and out.

Step 3: Engage.  Keep checking in with your thoughts and emotions, and continue with the slow and gentle grounding movements. 
Now take 10 to 20 seconds to get a sense of what other things are happening right now, aside from your thoughts and emotions.

You can do this by :

• Noticing what you can see or hear. 
• Noticing if there’s anything you can smell or taste. 
• Reaching out to touch or feel something around you. 

Repeat this formula over and over until you feel back in control. Remember, the aim here is not to distract yourself, or get rid of the urge or emotional storm, but to ground yourself well enough that you can withstand it. 

Once you’ve completed your “Safe Landing”, return to whatever you were doing before, and give it your full attention. However, if what you were doing before was not in line with your goals and values, then switch to something more productive.

This tool is adapted based on ACT's Drop Anchor technique. For a few audios of this technique see contextualconsulting.co.uk/insights/free-act-resources-from-russ-harris.

How are you celebrating the great accomplishment of 30 days of no pornography?

Hakolhevel wrote on 04 Apr 2022 02:15:

F2F was helpful when I was doing it. I stopped for a pretty silly reason and I should probably get back at it.