OivedElokim wrote on 18 Apr 2021 20:39:


everybody has there inyanim that they have to work onObviously in this case porn/masterbation is included.
however small changes for example making a schedule or maybe just making your bed in the morning can perhaps make your life feel more manageable???
I'm not insinuating anything just a thought..it may not even be remotely shayoch or helpful to you.

Day 1

Going to bed now.
Hope to make it to Shachris tomorrow.

Day 5

Struggling with my self esteem. Trying to get myself to see the value in me, appreciate the gifts I’ve been given and the fact that there is a specific mission my creator needs me to do for him, one that can be fulfilled by me alone.

בשבילי נברא העולם

I just wish it wasn’t so difficult, that I sincerely believed it to be the case...

OivedElokim wrote on 23 Apr 2021 03:33:

Ultimatley I think it's a matter if emunah. For years I was chasing the actions that would give me a feeling of self worth. But much as those who chase money, it was a excersise in futility. Just as those who chase money, ultimately want more. I always wanted to be more perfect. I fact judaism seemed to be egging me on, about all the more good things I should be doing. And it may not be incorrect. There are many more good things I can do. But my self worth is not judged by G-d based on my accomplishments.

Just a a true parent loves their child unconditionally. G-d loves you unconditionally.

On top of the unconditional love he also wants to give you a unique job. But I think we need to separate the two. My self worth is not judged by how much or little I accomplish of my mission. Much as a child's worth to a parent is not judged by how much they accomplish in their life.

We religous jews tend to blur the lines between the two. But if you look deeply at the sources you will see. There is you. And you are valuble as you. You also have a unique mission, which you most likely will but find out what it is. We do our best in life, and wait for the afterlife to find out.

I know this may sound strange, so i look forward to hearing the olams perspective

I think you are correct. I wish I knew how to internalise it all

Day 0

Fell after 7 days clean. I got my restrictions code put in and downloaded YouTube. My plan for the future is to always text a GYE partner before and after I get my restrictions code put in so that I don’t download any questionable content...

Day 2

Had a close call last night. I had a radio app that I occasionally use to listen to a specific news show that I like. Problem is that they have podcasts, including explicit ones. I was generally able to avoid using it but it was a disaster waiting to happen. So being in the emotional mess that I am I started going down that path to get some relief. After a few minutes I had the courage to stop and delete the app.

I hope that will be a zechus for me. I didn’t do it for my streak, I (would like to think that) I did it for Hashem. Hope that stands me in good stead as I continue to fight my inner demons of insecurity and self loathing.

Day 3

Day 4

found this on laughingman’s thread. Found it very powerful. Don’t know the original source. Sounds like it’s geared towards addicts in recovery. I don’t think I’m an addict but I relate to the addiction literature and the quest for spirituality and serenity.

Day 7

Had a nice Shabbos. I’m around unfiltered devices now and I’m feeling weak. Pray for me to have the strength to say no.

Having a hard time recognizing that it never gets easier, and I can never allow myself “one last time” of indulging in these behaviors 

Gonna spend some time reading the handbook 

OivedElokim wrote on 02 May 2021 05:12:

it's always "the last time"...
the all to well known vicious cycle.

After battling my urges for several hours, I fell.

I’m sure Hashem cherishes every time I said no.  I don’t feel better because I acted out. It brought me no Happiness. I need to remember that for next time...

I need to make a new pros and cons list. Don’t feel like I really want to stop