Hi All,

Today is my 18th clean day! But it's been a very hard struggle.

Between Purim and Pesach I had repeated falls, got very depressed and was too embarrassed to post to the forum. The Kodesha of Pesach helped, but I started falling again after Yom Tov.

I was very down on myself and was (and still am) under a lot of pressure from an insecure job situation.

I decided to use one of my "old" methods of using vows and make a supreme effort to control my thoughts. I gave myself a warning if I do not improve I will start another "old" method of fasting.

I am fully aware that I start to slip with looking in the wrong place and allowing my thoughts to "wander".

This is what I did:-

1) No looking at any newspapers at work at all. (My office has a supply of Israeli papers, which always have bad photos)
2) No looking at any other photos even family photos if alone
3) Make a supreme effort to guard my eyes on the street.
4) Control my wild imagination even to stop thinking about by wife.
(This is very good trick of my YH, I start thinking about my wife, she's unavailable and these thoughts lead to other thoughts and so on)
5) Learn more Chassidus and Musur. (Most of my learning concentrates on Halacha and Germora)

So far so good, but I know the danger is lurking all around

I have hesitated to post my history, but I have decided to open up. This is my list story and probably one of the main battles HaShem wants me to win.

Part 1
My problem began sometime before my barmitzvah and continued from then on. I was brought up in a tradition home, but not shomer shabbos. There was no porn at home. I attended non Jewish  schools and all my friends were not Jewish. Although I mixed almost exclusively with non-Jews my parents did not want me to have any non-Jewish girl friends. I presume this very much enhanced my problem.

I started becoming frum in my early twenties and started my life long fight. My first time in Yeshivah I remained clean for 7 months. Just learning for 14 hours a day was enough. However, on returning to my parents house my problem returned. I begin a relentless campaign to break the habit by fasting and learning Mishnah by heart. It helped a lot, but did not break the problem completely.

Part 2
At this stage I got courage and spoke to a Rav. However, I got a very cold response as this Rav clearly did not understand where I was coming from. (This was about 31 years ago!). I told the Rav I would write to the Lubovitcher Rebbe. He told me I could write, but would never get an answer.

He was wrong I did get an answer. I never revealed the contents of this letter, which was written in Hebrew, but this is gist of the letter.

"you should occupy yourself with the letters of Torah and Tephilla which have no connection whatsoever ...much light comes from the deepest darkeness"

Some months later I actually went to 770 and had personal Yehidus with the Rebbe. At that  time I had broken my addiction and thought I had won. The Rebbe told me "you should behave according to Shulkan Aruch"

I then returned to Yeshiva for several years with no problems

Part 3
I hope this is not too boring, but I think it is important for you to understand how my problem has built up.

The problem came back with a vengeance during my first marriage. Intimacy was a major issue; there was a time when my wife never went to mikvah for a whole year.  Even, when she did go to mikvah intimacy was very rare. I need not go into more details, but I lived under tremendous frustration and even had fantasies of how I would rape her! BH I never did, nor did I restore to any kind of violence. I was however, very despondent and angry with myself. Needless to say, my escape was to return to my addiction. 

Unfortunately, this marriage ended in divorce. After a number of years I married again and my new wife was much more affectionate. Yet there are many times she is not available or simply had no interest in relations. My "release" is always to return to my old ways. I can go clean for a few weeks, but never seem to be able to maintain a clean state.

Conclusion
The success I once archived before marriage, I have never been able to repeat. I have often wondered if I was the only one in the world with this problem. Maybe, I'm not normal? Do I have some uncontrollable sex drive? What's wrong with me?

I now realize I am not alone.

Hi Think good!

Did you hear about the big "LAUNCH" of the two GuardYourEyes handbooks just last week? They aren't just "another" cute feature of our network, but rather, they lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work hopefully for years to come, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Make sure to read them, they contain a wealth of information on beating this addiction!

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

Yes I heard. Great stuff, I just printed the handbook and will add it to my learning list on my way to Rabbi Shimon bar Yocha.

Holding by day 19 and scarred about the next battle which I know is coming.

However, I am trying to increase my learning and continue strengthening myself, I will be looking for additional ideas from the handbooks.

Great tzadik. Make sure to read Tool number #1 well, if you're going to Meron!

3 weeks!

Thanks for the tips guard, I read most of the handbook on the way to Meron.

Meron was very wonderful, yet extremely dangerous for us addicts. On the way up I found the mehadrin path, but on the way down I suddenly found myself in the midst of a mixed crowd with lots of attractive women! Just what I was trying to avoid.

I initially panicked not knowing what to do.  I thought about guards glasses , but not appropriate for a crowd scene. I tried to say  Mishnah and Chassisus by heart, but was all mixed up and could not concentrate. So I just keep walking very fast keeping my eyes looking over everyone's head and not allowing then to rest on any women. I made it and did not allow the bad thoughts to materialize, but it was a close call.

Now I have accepted the fact that I am an addict, I must make every effort not to take the first drink, (look). The fire to sin cannot burn within you unless the ruch stuss enters first.

Here is an example of not accepting myself for what I am. Over twenty years ago I when to an AA meeting in NY. I had a friend who was an alcoholic and wanted me to experience an AA meeting. I even read some of the literature he gave me.

Amazingly, I never considered the meeting had anything to do with me.

Yet as I now realize the meeting had everything to do with me!!!

I was in Meron too, and last year I had the same problem. I found the mehadrin path on the way up, but on the way down I couldn't find it and had your exact experience. This year, the same thing happened, I went up with the Mehadrin path and it was great, then on the way down I began to leave to go down the hill, when I realized that again I couldn't find the mehadrin path. But this year I said to myself, I will not give up. I traced my steps all the way back up the the Tzion of Rav Shimon, and I kept asking people where the Mehadrin path was. I figured, that if I had used it to come up, it couldn't have disappeared!! And I was determined to use it, even though it was hard going back up and looking for it. I thought to myself how Hashem would surely reward any Jew who goes out of his way to make sure he avoids stumbling blocks... Finally after a few minutes of searching, I found it at the very top, on the left of the Tzion. And going down was a breeze!

So at least you'll know for next year!  :D

May The zechus of Rav Shimon stand for us to be saved from the Yetzer Hara! Ashreichem Yisrael!

Today is 32 clear days Lamed bas = lev, I'm beginning to loose count of the days.

No question the eyes are the problem. Overall I have been very good, but not perfect.

Smaual Hanovi, (Yahrtzeit 28 or 29 Iyar) was a lot easier than Meron.

Today I had to take a trip into town and although I was learning most of the time I still caught myself looking at a few women. I stopped after no more than a second or so, but am not too happy with myself. I know the root of my addition is controlling my eyes.

I am concerned that after making it past 30 days, I may let my guard down.

Any Chizuk from you guys?

Hi Think Good

I have been told at meetings that if I have one eye on yesterday and one eye on tomorrow I am corss eyed on today.  Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery all we have is the here and the now, and right here and right  now I want to stay clean and sober.  This is one of the oldest tricks of the YH to make a person give up before he has even started by making him ill with worry "how will I manage to stay sober so long, I am so worried I may act out" and guess what happens - we throw the towl in and act out and the YH has won.  So when I wake up in the morning the first thing I say is thank you Hashem for keeping me sober last night, and then I say please Hashem keep me sober today and I commit to staying sober JUST for today no matter what. 

So my friend stop worrying about staying sober afer 30 days Moshiach may come then and then we will all be cured, all you have is the present focus on the present do what ever it takes to stay sober now and leave the future to Hashem to worry about, I am sure you have enough worries without worrying about the future.

Hatzlocho
London

London wrote on 25 May 2009 08:46:


London,
What a brilliant post! That is exactly what I needed to read at this moment. Thank you!

Thanks London very nice.

Yes my yh is certainly putting thoughts into my mind like "a quick look it wont hurt, your strong enough to control yourself".

Of course I'm not which is why I have the constant worry. I will do my best to concentrate on today and not worry about tomorrow.

Just having GUI watching me is a tremendous help.

Yes, we're watching you!!  ;D

Still going from strength to strength. Thanks Guard I know you are all watching, I feel you looking over my shoulder!

A very good and happy Yom tov to everyone. My we all go higher in our avoda and overcome all our addictions.

Here is a letter from the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson, of righteous memory.

The core of Jewish vitality and indestructibility is in its pure faith in G-d; not in some kind of an abstract Deity, hidden somewhere in the heavenly spheres, who regards this world from a distance; but absolute faith in a very personal G-d, who is the very life and existence of everybody; who permeates where one is, or what one does. Where there is such faith, there is no room for fear or anxiety, as the Psalmist says, 'I fear no evil, for Thou art with me,' with me, indeed, at all times, not only on Shabbos or Yom Tom, or during prayer or meditation on G-d. And when one puts his trust in G-d, unconditionally and unreservedly, one realizes what it means to be really free and full of vigor, for all one's energy is released in the most constructive way, not only in one's own behalf, but also in behalf of the environment at large.

The road is not free from obstacles and obstructions, for in the Divine order of things we are expected to attain our goal by effort; but if we make a determined effort success is Divinely assured, and the obstacles and obstructions which at first loom large, dissolve and disappear.

I wish you to tread this road of pure faith in G-d, without over [? unclear in original] introspection and self-searching, as in the simple illustration of a man walking: he will walk most steadily and assuredly if he will not be conscious of his walk and not seek to consciously coordinate the hundreds of muscles operative in locomotion, or he would be unable to make his first step.


Wishing you success in all above, and hoping to hear good news from you and yours,

With the blessing of a happy Yom Tov of Receiving the Torah with inner joy,


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Wow - that is SO beautiful. Maybe I will share it in a Chizuk e-mail tomorrow or in the coming days!

London said: "Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery all we have is the here and the now."

Another version: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift - that's why it's called the present!"