Hey guys

I know I haven’t been active for quiet some time. The reason was I needed a bit of space. Being on the forum I felt that I wasn’t being in touch with myself completely as I was filtering my experience through my social filter, not having time to process things on a deeper, personal level. So I needed to unplug a bit.

So how have I been doing? I reached out and got tremendous chizuk (thanks to HHM). For two weeks straight I was clean and I almost didn’t’ touch any movie, which for me is a great achievement.

But, this past week has been a disaster. I acted out almost every night. It’s a horrible feeling. The disgusting feeling of giving in and the feeling that I don’t have control over my taivos.

I can handle the day. But once nighttime hits and I’m in bed I feel lost. Some nights I can work through the feelings. But some nights, no matter my resolve, I end up failing. Take for example last night. I told myself that I won’t give in and really meant it. I went to sleep at 11 45. At 2 30 I was still up and the feelings weren’t getting any better. I ended up falling. Again.

I also have to date this week. I am scared that my failed attempts will affect my dating negatively.  On two fronts. Firstly I am scared that I won’t be able to see the girl as a person, but rather as an object. Second, I feel that my self-image will be affected. I will feel like I am selling her damaged goods (a.k.a. imposter syndrome).

I kind of feel a bit helpless. I am not sure how to handle all of this. It has never been so bad before. Day after day after day. One fall and then another and then another. Where has all the hard work gone? All the fighting of the previous weeks. A bit discouraging.

The only thing I can do is learn from my successes and failures. My success peak happened during my time posting on the forum. Which is why I think that I need to start posting again.

Either way, if anyone has any suggestions, it would be most welcome.

Hey guys

I know I haven’t been active for quiet some time. The reason was I needed a bit of space. Being on the forum I felt that I wasn’t being in touch with myself completely as I was filtering my experience through my social filter, not having time to process things on a deeper, personal level. So I needed to unplug a bit.

So how have I been doing? I reached out and got tremendous chizuk (thanks to HHM). For two weeks straight I was clean and I almost didn’t’ touch any movie, which for me is a great achievement.

But, this past week has been a disaster. I acted out almost every night. It’s a horrible feeling. The disgusting feeling of giving in and the feeling that I don’t have control over my taivos.

I can handle the day. But once nighttime hits and I’m in bed I feel lost. Some nights I can work through the feelings. But some nights, no matter my resolve, I end up failing. Take for example last night. I told myself that I won’t give in and really meant it. I went to sleep at 11 45. At 2 30 I was still up and the feelings weren’t getting any better. I ended up falling. Again.

I also have to date this week. I am scared that my failed attempts will affect my dating negatively.  On two fronts. Firstly I am scared that I won’t be able to see the girl as a person, but rather as an object. Second, I feel that my self-image will be affected. I will feel like I am selling her damaged goods (a.k.a. imposter syndrome).

I kind of feel a bit helpless. I am not sure how to handle all of this. It has never been so bad before. Day after day after day. One fall and then another and then another. Where has all the hard work gone? All the fighting of the previous weeks. A bit discouraging.

The only thing I can do is learn from my successes and failures. My success peak happened during my time posting on the forum. Which is why I think that I need to start posting again.

Either way, if anyone has any suggestions, it would be most welcome.