Hi there everyone. A gutte choidesh.
Day 30
After having been on the forum for almost a full month, I wanted to make a rough summary of my personal strategies. Feel free (I really mean it!!) to add anything to this list as you please in the comments below. Or perhaps write about an idea that resonated with you.
The Game Plan
1. The first thing we want to do is set the ‘rules of the game’. The facts:
a. The more you feed it the more you need it.
b. As much as these urges feel like hell, they won’t kill you. In fact, its potency will pass if you let it.
c. Know that not giving up is part of winning the game. The Steipler promised that anyone who didn’t give up, would eventually win this battle.
2. Getting motivated
a. In order to win this you must really ask yourself in an honest way: why do you want to stop? How is this detrimental to me? What would I gain from having a life free from this? If I would continue this for the rest of my life, how would this hurt me? Who am I cheating with this? Try to really visualize and internalize each point.
b. Make a goal. A goal that is realistic, but at the same time pushes you right out of your comfort zone.
c. Commit.
Let’s define commitment: commitment means letting no reason interfere with my original decision. No excuses. Be ready to overcome the barriers that stand in my way.
3. How do we overcome the barriers standing in our way?
a. Know what triggers you. Avoid them! This will help you avoid a fight altogether.
b. We can’t always avoid triggers, so know how to deal with urges when they appear. Distract yourself, but don’t try to force the urges out. Rather calmly accept them as they come. These urges are not you. This means that you have the choice not to give in.
c. Be prepared.
Being prepared both on an emotional and intellectual level can go a long way when it comes to overcoming challenges.
i. Know what you can expect: urges like hell, urges on tired days when you just feel you need or deserve it, …
ii. On an intellectual level: recognize the lines the yetzer hora is telling you and find an appropriate response. (But don’t start negotiating with the yetzer hora. Remember, you committed.)
d. Remind yourself why you are fighting.
4. What else can help?
a. Daven. How would we ever manage without the help from Hashem? Don’t just daven for yourself, daven for others as well.
b. Find some place you can be open about this. Post on the forum each day. Find a trustworthy confidant. Talk to a therapist.
c. Keep yourself busy. Make the focus of your life something else. You don’t always need to check on yourself to see how you’re doing. Allow yourself to move on.
d. Borosi yetzer hora, borosi torah tavlin. What more is to be said?
5. Dealing with failure
a. Don’t expect failure.
b. If you do fail (chas v’shalom):
i. Forget about guilt and self-pity. Pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and move on.
ii. Remind yourself that you are a Tzelem Elokim and that even though this action isn’t right, it nonetheless doesn’t define you intrinsically.
6. Staying on track
a. Be your best friend. Compliment yourself. Allow yourself to be proud of yourself.
b. Keep track of your wins. Keep a daily log.
c. When feeling an urge, remind yourself what it took to get to where you are now.
d. Remind yourself why you are doing this.
e. Remember, just like all good things in life, overcoming this takes time. Allow yourself this time and don’t panic if this is taking longer than you wished for.
f. Help others. Give others chizuk. Guide them. Teach them what you've learnt. Be there for them. Besides for the tremendous zechusim, you will feel that this in its own right will push you to stay clean.
