Day 15.

No way! I made it to two weeks. I can’t believe my own eyes.
Only with the help of Hashem and the help of you guys.

The journey so far…(more or less)

Right after the fall

“Hey, the urge has disappeared. I’m free.”
…
“Oh no, what have I done. What have I done! Just for a fleeting moment of pleasure.”
“Ok, let’s not get wrapped up in guilt. I need to do something about this. I feel this is getting out of hand. How can I move forward from here? I can daven. I can start over. But I need something more. The GYE website says that posting in the forum greatly increases the success rate. I think that I’ll give that a try.”

Within 24 hours of the fall

“Oh, no. I can feel the urge again.”
…
“The website says to make a log of 90 days. 90 days! No way! I can’t do that! Ok, so what can I do? Maybe 3 days. You know what, just because 3 days doesn’t sound like a great deal, I’ll make my goal a week and see what happens.”
…
“Ok, just posted my first post. How this is supposed to help, I’m not sure, but we’ll see what happens.”

Throughout the first week

“I’m going to sleep soon and I feel ‘it’. I think this is a lost battle.”
“I’m in bed now. Just tossing and turning trying to avoid ‘eye contact’ with ‘you-know-who’. This is really burning! I’ll do what I can and let it play out but I don’t know how I’ll get through the night.”
“I just woke up, and it’s morning. I think I’m seeing a miracle in front of my eyes. I made it!”
…
“It’s still bothering me. And it’s bothering me that it’s bothering me.”
…
“Just posted another post. These ‘thank you’s really feel good. And there are some people even commenting on what I’ve said. Those feel great. I am slowly seeing that this post is not so bad after all.”

After the first week

“Just finished a week. Am I dreaming?”
…
“I don’t think I can do a second week of that. You know what, since I haven’t lost just yet I’ll continue. I probably won’t make it but just for the sake of it I’ll make my goal another week. From there I’ll take it day by day. And who knows, maybe I’ll make it after all.”

The second week

“I just watched a movie(/read something that triggered me a bit/etc). This is it. I probably lost for tonight. No? I mean watching a movie (/etc) makes you give in?”
“Okay, watching a movie doesn’t mean you’ll give in, it means you might have a stronger urge. But the battle is still mine to win.”
…
“I actually feel a bit more confident in this battle. The urges are weaker and I know I don’t have to respond to them.”
…
“Goodness gracious, the urges are back! I thought they were gone. I thought they were supposed to get weaker with time. I know I said that I don’t have to respond to them, but this is really powerful.”
…
“I would give in but then I would have to post that on the forum. No, I don’t think I’ll give in.”
…
“Oh no, not again.”
“I would give in but that would mean that I would have to start all over again. I don’t want this to end in an endless loop.”
…
“The guys at GYE are great. How can someone win this battle without such a support group?”

After week two
"I made it!"
...
“What do you say, another week?”

It occasionally really gets me thinking. Why indeed is it better to not give in? Why are we better off than them? We can intuit that it’s better to be a yid than a goy, but why?

You might say that we are bnei melachim, princes, and that it doesn’t suit a prince to act on such a low level, to take delight in such low pleasures. But who says that I want to be that prince? Maybe I prefer the ‘simple life’, the easy way out?

When I confront myself asking this question, I find I need a solid answer, an answer that’ll satisfy. An idea that’ll make the fighting worth it. Not just on a rational level but also on an emotional one.

Even though I’m still looking for the ‘perfect’ answer, here are a few ideas that I find help me with this, but let me know what you think:

1.)    We all want pleasure. Every act of ours truly is motivated to some extent by pleasure. It could be the simple pleasure of eating a slice of pizza. It could be the pleasure of getting up early forgoing the pleasure of enjoying more sleep. And it could be the pleasure of connecting to Hashem through his torah and mitzvos. Hashem created the world for pleasure. And just like not all ice-cream flavors are created equal, so too, not all levels of pleasure are created equal. It’s true that sushi tastes great, but does that compare to the pleasure of loving and being loved. It’s true that listening to your favorite music is great, but does that substitute the pleasure of having a life filled with meaning. Pleasures come in different levels. Hashem wants us to have pleasure not just in olam haba but even in olam hazeh as well. The torah is there in part to help us not to get trapped in the lower levels of pleasure. It’s there so that we can focus on the pleasures that really matter. And it’s true that in order to get the higher levels of pleasure, we sometimes need to forgo the more immediate pleasure, but that too makes the pleasure that we have afterwards even greater. Lefum tzaarah agra.
We are princes. And just opting for the simple life out of choice is like giving up the fortune of a billionaire father for the lick of a lollipop. It just isn’t worth it.
(I once read an excellent piece by Rabbi Noach Weinberg on the five levels of pleasure in the book “what the angel taught you”. In my opinion, a must read!)
(One of the problems I face though is that even though I know that keeping a life full of mitzvos is truly the most pleasurable one, I sometimes feel that I can’t connect to that pleasure. There is a rambam and kesef Mishna at the end of hilchos lulav saying that there is no simcha as the simcha of a mitzvah. Sometimes I can connect to that, but many times I can’t. How can we truly tap into that potential that our avodas Hashem has to elevate our lives?)

2.)    Another thing that helps me neutralize my question on a more emotional level is the following: I try to imagine my life after already having had the pleasures I so crave. If I crave doing x,y and z, I try imagining having done so already and how I would feel about it. Would my life be so much different and better? I many times realize that having license to do x,y and z might be geshmak for the moment, but on the long run it doesn’t change my life for the better (and in fact sometimes for the worse). Many times it helps me sober up a bit from when I have a craving for something not so good.

I would love to hear your ideas on this matter so please feel free to post away.