Yup. I've been stuck in a rut for the last few days. I know the feeling.

As for goy days, I really do know what you mean. There are times when I can spend literally every available second learning, davening, or doing something to enhance my avodas Hashem. And then there are days I can just about complete tefillah. I can't bring myself to learn anywhere near as much. I just feel totally deflated. Zero steam.

Sometimes we just have to stop. Today I haven't had a great day, but nor a goy day. And I'm determined to have a Yid afternoon. Its the pushing no matter what which Hashem really values. To break the pattern of falling. Go out of our comfort zone. That's what he wants.

You are incredible. You don't feel that way? Meh. That's because you compare your behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight real. We look at you and see someone who gave up being allowed to chase all of olam haazeh, to be close to Hashem. O.K. other people seem to have no problems davening and learning, everything seems to go great for them. But if you looked at me, I'd be one of those people. And nothing is further from the truth. We all have nisyones. All have days we wish we would do more. We just have to plug on.

So again. Like you said. We all have bad days. Ups and downs. Just keep posting. When you feel like you hit rock bottom, you can only go up. And you'll find solid ground upon which to build.

p.s. Hashem doesn't really want you anymore? If you gave everything to be close to Him, you really think He'll ever abandon you? He'll want you by Him always. I'm rooting for you man. And if I am, you think he isn't?

I'm a ger tzedek but not quite a tzadik. I have long struggled with porn addiction and same sex attraction. I thought that conversion will not only bring me closer to Hashem and Am Yisrael, but also lessen my tendencies for illicit pleasure. Alas, my yetzer hara has even grown stronger. I'm also single and stuck alone during this pandemic lockdown.

However, as I told the bet din during my giyyur, I accept all the mitzvot bar none. Hence I won't quit the fight. I have fallen thousands of times and gotten up the same number of times, but I am not contented. I have a dream, a tough one: that of becoming a tzaddik with kids and grandkids who will help bring about the geulah.

Hence I'm starting this journal. I have joined GYE a while back, joined a live SA group (we don't meet anymore due to the virus), read Torah and mussar, etc. But I know I should do more. I have even contemplated suicide before, but now I've kinda accepted that this is my avodah, to show the world that a convert can and will keep even the hardest mitzvot of shmirat habrit and einayim. 

I hope that people who read this know that not one of us is truly alone in this struggle. We are connected to all Jews past and present through the brit. I will try my best to honestly document my struggles in this journal so others could learn from my mistakes (and hopefully my successes). Let's do this.