Thank you to everyone who has posted here so far. You don't know how much it means to me to hear from fellow Jews who struggle with this nisayon of ours.
Especially today, Motzae Shabbat. This day is usually the toughest of the week for me. It's like I compensate for the time I spent away from my mobile phone by indulging in porn right after Shabbat ends. Not proud of it and I kind of hated myself for doing so. I mean, what kind of Jew is "tired out" by Shabbat so as to jump right back in to doing averot?
But this day is different. As a convert in a Mizrachi / Sephardic community, today is the first day (after Rosh Chodesh and Shabbat) that we start saying Selichot for a month, every day until Rosh Hashanah. I don't want to start the process of teshuvah by indulging yet again in a forbidden pleasure.
Hence I am posting here. I believe that a big part of my addiction is not bringing it up to the light. As they say, the sun is the best disinfectant.
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I also prayed to Hashem humbly to guide me, as nothing succeeds without siyata dishmaya.
I use an app called Quitzilla to track my hourly sobriety progress, and so far it's at 3 days and 15m. Counting days so far seems to jinx them, making me think that it's ok to have a slip because I kind of "deserve" it (obviously a BIG NO).
Right now, I'm trying a new tactic. I offer up my sobriety period daily, from Shkiya to Shacharit, and Shacharit to Shkiya, for someone's healing or bringing up of souls to Gan Eden. I read somewhere here in GYE that this nisayon of ours is a sign of a strong, spiritually-attuned neshamah. Not saying I am one, but on the off-chance that I am, I want to make my sobriety count.
I see it also as an "incentive" for nekiyut. I know that we are not supposed to do misvot like shmirat habrit for rewards, only because Hashem commanded us to do so. But I recognize that I am an addict and that I am not yet the tzadik that I hope to become.
If my love for other people can help me to fulfill this key mitzvah (because unfortunately, sometimes I just don't love myself enough to refrain from this averah), then why not? I read somewhere that even one who studies Torah lo lishma will eventually do so wholeheartedly. What more with guarding the brit that represents the wellspring of Torah?
Comments and suggestions are welcome. This is a learning process for me so I won't always get everything right, but as Pirkei Avot says, I can learn from everyone if I am humble enough to do so.
Shavua tov!