Hi everyone. I tried doing this a few years ago, but I fell at around 40 days and I never had the patience to officially start over. I maybe had other periods since then where I had several weeks when I was clean. My last fall was this last motzei Shabbos, and I think it is time to say that enough is enough. 
The problem is that I am not sure how motivated I really am. I don’t feel like I really want to stop that badly. I am not the type of person who watches every day. Every few weeks I’ll have a few bad days in a row. I like to tell myself that “It’s under control”. 
It’s just something that I know has to end. This has been an issue since I was 14, and it’s almost 20 years later. I can’t go on like this for ever. If not now when? So I’m just jumping in...

good move!
welcome back. 
​i started 11 days ago with zero motivation, i literally came here for no reason, and just by reading and identifying with other peoples stories it pushed me. check out the beginning of my thread 'what now' to see.
so hang around here and im sure youll get the inspiration
jack123 

Ok, so we are a little more than a week in baruch hashem. Generally it feels good to know that I am on this path, I don’t know the exact reason, but life feels better. The biggest motivating factor is that if I can pull off the 90 days with Hashems help, it would mean that by Rosh Chodesh Elul it will be a month clean, by Rosh HaShanah 2 months clean, and after sukkos almost three months clean. I think it would be an amazing feeling. I am very scared to think about what would happen if I fall c’v...

Searchin345 wrote on 27 Jul 2020 10:35:

Don't focus on that.  You got this!  Keep us updated on your journey.

Ok 10 days in. So, something strange happened last night. I had a dream (yes, on tisha b’av) that I was on the computer and there was a tab which I forgot to close. I checked what it was, and... you guessed it. So I started watching what was already open in front of me. After a few moments I realized was in the middle of this 90 day thing, so I closed it. I felt bad because I wasn’t sure if it was considered like a broke my streak. I woke up relieved that it was just a dream. 

This was very strange to me. I am not sure if I ever had a dream like that before. At least even in my dream I ended up closing it. Has this happened to anyone before?

Searchin345 wrote on 30 Jul 2020 21:47:

Very very normal! There's actually a different thread from a while ago (I tried to find it but was unsuccessful) with the same story. I've known it to happen to people who quit smoking, they'll have a dream that they smoked and wake up in a panic. We dream about what we think about during the day. So looks like you are doing pretty good!

I found it.scared in a dreamby habits 15 May 2011 06:46#105941Karma: 0 

Hi. I'm pretty new to all this. I joined GYE just over two months ago. I've now gone more than 70 days without a fall. I had a real scare last night. I was watching porn and masturbating when suddenly I realized, "Oh, no. This is a fall. What do I do now?" My whole body started to shake. Then I became aware, "No, this is only a dream. Everything is still OK!" With that thought I woke up enough to shake myself out of that dream, turn over, and fall back asleep. The next thing I was aware of was my alarm ringing. Baruch HaShem, no falls for over seventy days! May it continue ... Habits

The dream you describe is very normal. It has been written about numerous times. As one BH makes that decision to stop indulging in this "pleasure" the subconscious mind starts to respond with withdrawal symptoms. When that part of our mind is in charge - namely when asleep or very spaced out, is when all of a sudden the process starts. In your case, fortunately it ended as it did. Many times it actually ends with a wet dream which should be completely ignored - and it does not break the clean streak - being that it happened b'onais. Yet , one can feel demoralized....As one moves further away from these actions, the dream issue becomes less prevalent b'ezras Hashem.  In your case, to dream that you stayed in control should give you the positive energy to keep up with the program and to stay iyh clean. Continued hatzlocha.

Day 18. OK, this was unexpected. Until now I technically had a filter which was helping me alot. As I assume most people here know, a filter isn’t a solution, but it is a helpful tool. A filter can be bypassed if you have a will, but it takes time to do so. It no longer is “a click away” but maybe it is ten minutes away. This helps keep you in check as long as there is a will to succeed, and I feel that it was helping me especially during the last 17 days. 
However, without going into too much detail, due to unexpected circumstances I now have access to internet without a filter. This is not my internet, so I don’t think I really have a way to filter it. I still have the vision of success, which is keeping me going for now. But from experience I know all too well that this won’t keep me afloat long term. I need to do something fast. I am not sure if others can help me with this since everybody is unique when it comes to these things. It might just take some honest cheshbon haanefesh of how to make proper geadrim with general internet usage. But if anyone has ideas, let me know...

I have an idea I think will work although it won't be easy to implement. 

Filter it. Or. Don't be meyached with it. Over. Fancy solutions and quadrupal taphsic methods with upgrades and leather seats are beautiful but one must cut the toxicity at the source. Call me radical. 

                                 
                                    Grant

Grant400 wrote on 07 Aug 2020 00:13:

I agree with Grant but everyone is different and you need to do what works for you. I have zero filter and have no problem, others can’t handle that.

Edit: If you want a basic filter that blocks out popular problematic websites, look into ‘1.1.1.1 for families’ it is a DNS provider that will filter malware and adult content at the website level for free (change your primary DNS to 1.1.1.3 and your secondary to 1.0.0.3) completely free, no trackers, and basic filtering

If you need more info feel free to PM me.

Ok, so I ended up getting a better filter for my phone. A little expensive but I think worth it at this point. I will try to avoid using any other device. If I need to use something else (which I can’t filter since they aren’t mine) I will try to avoid yichud. Be’ezras Hashem we will make it!

Ok, so I am writing here for the sake of honesty. I was playing around with my phone to “see how good my filter is”. After a while I figured it out, but the second I realized that I actually got passed it, I closed it. I’m not sure if it is actually considered a fall since maybe subconsciously I wanted to see something. But I did close it immediately, so I’m keeping the streak going for now. But I’m really scared that this is the beginning of the end...

Searchin345 wrote on 17 Aug 2020 05:46:

Yup! Usually our "just want to see if..." is truthfully fueled by our desire of "I just want to see....if". (But the fact that you closed it is supremely impressive,  so don't mess up the streak!)

This doesn't have to be the beginning of the end. It can be the end, and the beginning.

                                  Grant

Grant400 wrote on 17 Aug 2020 13:32:

Haha! This is so true. What an amazing line. 
Yetzer Hara was really trying to get me down today. “Who are you kidding, you broke it. You know what you were really trying to do... etc. It’s over so just go all out.”

The fact that you said closing it immediately was impressive is keeping me going right now. Thanks.