BHYY. You are definitely not alone on this one. I never masturbated or looked at pornography during yeshiva. It was only during bein hazmanim when I went home to my parents house.

Can you speak to your parents about your struggle? I never did. Too ashamed. Looking back, I wish I had. Someone posted a few months back about speaking to his mother and how it was really helpful.

Thank you all for that much needed chizuk. I'm going to keep steaming ahead

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 08 Jan 2021 15:10:

After consulting with my Rebbe and therapist we concluded that they wouldn't understand.

Shabbos was nice and uneventful. Unfortunately Motzei Shabbos was not so.
I was sitting and studying for a final and a little voice in my head said "Hey, would doing such-and-such on your computer bypass the filter?" Yes it did... So that lead to falling twice tonight.
I get it, it was boring and monotonous and my brain wandered for excitement. I still feel gross.
Well, I'm heading back to Yeshiva so that's a nechama. I already messaged the filter company so hopefully they'll patch this problem.

I unfortunately also fell tonight. We will get back up together iyh!

sleepy wrote on 10 Jan 2021 06:42:

If you can install a filter and be bound by it then consider it a bracha and a tremendous one at that. My “skills” are a bracha too...I just need to only use them for good things. Seems like a good place for a plug so anyone that needs any filter advice please don’t hesitate to drop me a PM; I’ve, ahem, stress tested most of them and can advise which have my stamp of approval.

On Friday I joined the YESOD project for the weeks of שובבי"ם‎. I am hoping this with reduce if not eliminate unwanted triggers from secular websites.
When I'm not in Seder I'm either working or studying and in today's day and age that almost guarantees I am sitting in front of a computer. I'm used to browsing various "regular" secular news sites (none of that fake news mind you ) but have discovered that if it isn't ran by frum yidden chances are there will be triggers. Unfortunately there are also many "Frum" news sources that are also triggering if they post pictures of ladies. Maybe it's time for the Algemeiner...

Halachakly you can do shnaim mikra + any translation that you understand (AKA read the English of the parsha) Mishnah Berurah 285:5

Today I had someone act really nasty to me at work. Frum guy at work, mamish no kavod habrios. Hit all the nerves. I was pretty wound up but instead of going to masturbate I got in my car and went for a long drive (had to be long...gotta warm up the engine to get some heat, taking "cooling off" to new levels ) I called a Rebbe of mine and shared my frustrations and he helped me be dan l'kaf zchus the guy and afterward I felt a lot better. Score for today.

Courtesy of cordnoy, I have a new slogan:
cordnoy wrote on 02 Mar 2015 18:20:


I just have to keep shouting it in my head and not in the Yeshiva hallways...

Chevra, I have been in the parsha of shidduchim for over a year. I’ve been on many dates, some shidduchim seemed promising until the girl said no and left me heartbroken and some I had to drag myself through the first date. I keep going hoping that the Ribono Shel Olam sends me my Bashert b’karov mamash. 
I have friends in the parsha too. Generally this is very nice because there is nothing better than commiserating with a friend in the parsha about dating woes. But then they get engaged. When I get an email with a mazel tov announcement my heart sinks. I want my heart to soar. I want to be happy for them. I am happy for them, I’m just frustrated that it’s them and not me. When I go to a friend’s chasuna I usually just feel really awkward in the beginning. It usually takes till around the second dance for me to really get b’simcha and grab the chosson for a dance (btw, I don’t drink at chasunas, my simcha is genuine from the heart). 
I want to feel happy for my friends. When a friend tells me that he is going serious I want to feel hopeful for him, not edgy and depressed. 
I daven for my friends, I daven that they should find their zivugim, and if they’re married that they should be bentched with children. Kol hamispallel b’ad chaveiro vhu tzarich l’oso davar... But it doesn’t help me feel any happier when they get married. 
Is there something I can work on to help me feel happier for others instead of despairing about where I am?

BHYY wrote on 12 Jan 2021 18:09:

Hey BHYY

Just wanted you to know that you're not the only one feeling this way. 
I'm also a bochur and most of my class is already married. Every time I heard that someone got engaged, I had mixed feelings. On the one hand I "should" be happy. I mean, he's my friend and that's what I should be feeling. And in a way I actually was happy for him.

But on the other hand, I also felt like "why can't it be me already?".
And underneath it all perhaps the fear that I will be one of those left behind, never to get married. One of those sob stories where people said years of tehilim for my name etc etc

How do I cope with it:
1. I know that everything that happens to me comes from Hashem and therefore IY"H I'll get married in the right time. 
(If chas veshalom I don't get married, well, that's also from Hashem. And that means that that is the best for me. Now, I truly hope it doesn't come to that. And I can't imagine the pain of someone who hasn't ever been married.)
2. Another point is that I sometimes feel that I lose focus from the big picture. I'm 24. I'm still in my early 20's. So what if I get married 5 years after my friends? Marriage is for life. And for most of us here, we haven't even experienced half of our lives yet. We've literally still got a lifetime ahead.
3. The only thing that remains might be the loneliness. Feeling like there is no one there to hang around with. Yes, that can be painful. [Although I do try to keep in touch with both my single (sometimes younger) and my married friends (even though it truly is never the same after they're married.)]

So, all in all, you're not alone. There are many others feeling what you feel, including myself.
Hashem knows what's best for you and therefore at the end of the day the few months or years that we'll be married after our friends truly won't make a big difference in the long run. You can rest assured, everything is going according to plan. And therefore, there's nothing really to worry about. With that in mind I hope that you can feel you're friend's simcha a bit more.

Thank you so much for your chizuk anonymousmillenial, it really means a lot to me and you hit several nails on the head.


I have the same exact fear...perhaps irrational, who knows...


So true...so true.

The loneliness is a real killer. Oh how I want to settle down. Move out of the Yeshiva dorm (and my parents' house for the matter) and have my own place. To have a wife, a rock, someone to lean on and share my feelings with, someone to encourage me, and someone to grow with together.

I'll keep your suggestions in mind and strengthen my bitachon that this is all from Hashem. Thank you again.

Another day down B”H. 
I know this violates ODAAT and 

but I kind of feel that B”H I’m doing okay now but I’m just waiting like a ticking bomb for an urge and then what? Honestly, I started posting again to keep safe from porn when I went home and had access to unfiltered devices but now, mainly due to Grant’s phenomenal story, I want to really work on quitting masturbating and this entire mindset. HHM has been telling me for literally years the same thing but, for a single guy, telling us is one thing. Illustrating like Grant did is another. I don’t want to be Moe. But if I don’t change I may very well be him. 
I need a plan, don’t I? Or is it just to white knuckle through the urges and by doing that I’ll be rewiring my brain?

White knuckling can get you through the urge but it's not a long term solution. It will not take away the habit.

But, you should think about the times that you did white knuckle through it and notice that you don't need it. It's just an extra 'luxury' which comes at with a huge price tag(s).
There is a lot to learn from a battle that you won.

You have been doing really well. How?
What has been your motivation till now?
Based on that you can plan how you will get past this whole 'having it at the front of your mind obsession' and not need to white knuckle very often if at all

Hatzlocho 

starting wrote on 13 Jan 2021 05:09:

I haven’t really been trying that hard until now with regard to masturbating. I mainly tried staying away from porn. Overcoming an urge to masturbate was an extra. 


This is assur. And marriage. I want to get married. I want to have a healthy, enjoyable, kosher marriage.