I just renewed my commitment to YESOD until after Pesach.

At the risk of sounding like a kofer or apikoreis I'm still going to post what's on my mind. Please be aware that I have no logical mind at the moment. Usually the Yetzer Hora is constantly murmuring in your ear trying to get you to be nichshal, today he's got 2 bullhorns over each of my ears and is shouting blocking everything else out. I had a wet dream, woke up triggered and just feel lousy. I have to sit through this course and even after I can't do any exercise. It's cold and icy outside and the only place to walk is in the street with the cars .
Hashem created us and loves us. He created a Yetzer Hora so He could reward us for conquering it. But why does it have to be so hard? Why create man with such a taivah, such a drive for the opposite sex, and create easily accessible pornography, but it's forbidden. It's torturous. L'fum tzaarah agra. But why? Why do we need to live day to day with this struggle? And even when you get married if you aren't rewired and constantly working on loving your wife and not letting your nefesh habahami take over you can really mess that up also. I'm going to regret writing this, be ashamed, probably delete it but right now I've got these two bullhorns blazing in my head and I just don't get it. I feel like I'm going to explode.

Why delete this? This I guess can be a logical question, and it can be a painful why question, meaning not that an answer will make it easier or as if your curious for a logical explanation, it's just a way of letting out the frustration. It sounds like it's the second one here. Correct me if I'm wrong.
So go on... scream, post, let your frustration out... it's hard... we are used to see the answer to every hard situation as sex and porn. Having a hard course? Oh I need porn, hard day, frustrated, bad mood etc etc. We are used to use porn as our pacifier for all of that. It's hard to let go of our pacifier, the withdrawal is painful.
But we havto learn how to cope with life. We will iyh live long, and life comes with stress, disappointment, and hardships. We will iyh learn to deal with it in a healthy way, and not just numb ourselves with our drug.
Let's for a second not look on it as an aveira and y"h situation, is this the right way to live? With a need to masterbate to naked women, as an answer to every uncomfortable situation? If hashem gave you the okay, would you wanna live such a life? So let's  forget about all this, let's learn how to cope with life the right way. 
Keep strong buddy, and feel free to vent....

And what can I do to cope?
Right now I'm stuck staring into a webcam while this professor pontificates. 
I'm ready to climb the walls.
Porn and masturbating are the only things on my mind now.

BHYY wrote on 14 Feb 2021 18:30:

Your pain is so evident... We feel and pray together with you!
The only thing that works for me is giving up my right to look at porn and masturbate, period. Just for this day, or just for this incident. We cannot run away from ourselves . The lust itself is not out there, of course, nor is it on the computer . Our problem is that the only lust there really is, the only lust we need to reckon with, is the lust that is in ourselves. 

Try to focus your love-- for Hashem by telling yourself that He is the source of all good and pleasure and beauty... Try to imagine yourself in His warm embrace... 

We hope to hear good news from you at the end of the day...

I'm in agony...................

Would it help to write down or type up what you are going through right now in great detail? Describe the agony and the pain and what you are thinking and feeling as you go through this intense pain?
Just a thought. I feel your pain my friend. May Hashem give you the strength to pull through. Hatzlacha!

Its hard to give ideas, I'll share what works for me.
First accept the hardship. This is life. We have things to do that are not comfortable, that we dont like, and it's fine. Life isnt only about doing things we love and enjoy. Sometimes we hate what we do, and we still do it. Take a minute and face it. "I will now sit by a webcam for a few hours and not enjoy" face the fact and accept it. You cannot run away from it, it is what it is, and it's fine, we all do such stuff in life.
after that you can start thinking if there is anything which can make the few hours easier, snacks, push ups, etc. If there is then do it, if not just give in to the thing called life.... 
there isnt alwayes a way to escape uncomfortable feelings, and it's okay to feel them... it's part of our life...
sorry if I sound pessimistic etc, but it's just the fact... and when I accept it, things get easier for me.

If the yetzer hara is so powerful that you feel you cannot resist it, tell the yetzer hara, “Just wait a bit. I’ll grant your desire in 15 or 30 minutes.” You should know for certain that every second you put it off, you are fulfilling the mitzva “And do not explore after your heart and after your eyes after which you stray,” as the Talmud says, that when a person is tempted to commit a sin and refrains from doing so, one has a mitzvah. One should rejoice that one has the opportunity to fulfill the mitzvah of teshuva, and inasmuch as one mitzva leads to another mitzva, he may find that after the 15 or 30 minute delay he can put if off for longer, and in this manner he can placate his yetzer hara.

If, after the delay, one falls prey to the yetzer hara, one should know that the mitzva accrued during the delay is not lost and stands to his credit, and by merit of this, it will be easier to resist subsequent temptations. One should pray to Hashem that the mitzvah of delay should strengthen him in his struggle with the yetzer hara.

How are feeling @BHYY?

Still clean. I pulled through. I did some chessed in the afternoon which was enjoyable and got my mind off things. But the second I left the urges came back

I can so relate to those urges, BHYY. Just sitting there, bored, mind wandering... and wandering... and wandering to not good places.

Your determination and success is nothing short of herculean. Way to go!

BHYY wrote on 15 Feb 2021 00:26:

Phew. If they didn't, I would be concerned...

Thank you Hashem for my bad eyes. Thank you for my nearsightedness. 
I had to fly yesterday and airports/airplanes are extremely triggering. When I got to my seat and everyone started tuning to G-d knows what on the inflight entertainment (the screen of the person sitting in front of me what clearly visible and a “Viewer Discretion - Adult Content” warning came on ) I flipped my glasses onto my forehead and let Hashem blur the outside world. I can honestly say with regard to my bad eyes and the struggles I face, Niflaos Haborei. 
It helped me 90% but I’m still super triggered from the other 10% (kinda need to see in order to walk). Not going to give in. This isn’t something I need. 38 days in and I know this is the only way to live. 

You are a hero!