BHYY wrote on 03 Feb 2021 01:24:

I hear your pain.
I've gone through the shidduch pains.
I've gone through the pains of being married several years without children.
I've gone through the pains of having several children without having any vacation.
I hear your pain.

Shteeble wrote on 03 Feb 2021 01:34:

I have not. It seems to be out of print and is selling for ~$95 on Amazon. If you tell me its got the secret for getting married in it then I'll gladly spend that money but I think other books will have to do...
I am in touch with my Rebbe regularly.

I'm glad you have a rebbe to guide you.
I'm sure there are other good books.
I just feel like that one was amazing, although it's been about 20 years since I've read it.
Maybe there's a gemach that you can borrow it from.

Urges are back.
I'm reading a boring chapter in a textbook and have a 3.5 hour class tonight. I want to watch porn and masturbate.
Any suggestions? These long, boring classes are such triggers for me. (Don't forget I get to have the 6 hour class again this Sunday...)

Falling is not an option. I’ll feel much worse. And yet, it’s so hard to say no. 

BHYY wrote on 03 Feb 2021 21:18:

Maybe try speaking to a friend (or someone from GYE) or doing something that you enjoy (exercising, playing an instrument, learning, talking to a friend about something etc.). Something that makes you feel yourself and pulls you in.

Striving Avreich wrote on 03 Feb 2021 22:24:

Thanks for the suggestion but I'm literally stuck in front of my webcam for the next couple of hours.

What exactly is the trigger? Is it boredom? Is it something on the video?
I have taken many online classes. If the teacher was female then I could have been triggered,but with male teachers not at all. If it is boredom then bring something to do with you. perhaps even a sefer? If it is the content, then perhaps you can prepare somehow beforehand so you are forearmed.
Please clarify for yourself what aspect is triggering and address it.
Hatzlocha!!

Lou wrote on 03 Feb 2021 22:36:

Boredom. Plain and simple. 

B'chasdei Hashem I am sill clean. It wasn't easy but I pulled through.
I have to internalize these moments to remember that even though the urge may be strong, I don't need this.
I am done with this. It isn't who I am anymore.

I'm heading home for Shabbos tomorrow so in case I don't get a chance to post before I leave - help me stay accountable!
I will bez"H post every day I am home and I will not touch any unfiltered devices. Also, as DavidT reminded is probably the most important, I will Daven that Hashem give me the koach to stay clean, my gedarim should work, and I shouldn't have such hard nisyonos.

I have come down with a severe case of shidduch depression. 
I’m so down. Of course because of this I didn’t sleep well last night so that doesn’t help things. 
It’s so hard! Going through this for so long and not getting anywhere. How many times can a person have a door slammed in their face? How many no’s can you take after all the effort? How much until you break???
Do the research, plan the date, go out, maybe even go out a few more times and eventually get a no right when I start to see it going somewhere. How much rejection do I need to take??
Why is this so hard? Why so much pain? Why do I need to feel so helpless? Since I’ve given up porn and masturbation, and secular books and media for that matter, I have no escape; I’m forced to face the pain head on. I’m so depressed....... I feel so eh. I’ve been trying for so long and now I’ve put in this tremendous effort to keep my eyes and neshama clean so I can have a happy, healthy, fulfilling marriage. But I just keep getting thrown down. 
I just feel like I can’t take it anymore.

BHYY, I feel your pain. No words, no eitzos. Just wanted to let you know that I read your post and feel your pain. Hashem should grant you with the strength to pull through this super difficult nisayon and find the right one who will be machshiv you and will want you as her husband bkarov mammesh!

We're with you,
DTW

BHYY wrote on 04 Feb 2021 15:45:

We have no idea on the nachas ruach that you are giving to Hashem with your amazing avodah! We all feel your pain and we are praying for you that Hashem should help you find your bashert very very soon and you should have a very happy & healthy life! 

​There will come a time when you'll look back and say "wow! how was I able to overcome these challenges" and Hashem will say "I'm amazed as well!!!" see below... 

כדדרש רבי יהודה לעתיד לבא מביאו הקב"ה ליצר הרע ושוחטו בפני הצדיקים ובפני הרשעים צדיקים נדמה להם כהר גבוה ורשעים נדמה להם כחוט השערה הללו בוכין והללו בוכין צדיקים בוכין ואומרים היאך יכולנו לכבוש הר גבוה כזה...  ואף הקב"ה תמה עמהם שנאמר כה אמר ה' צבאות כי יפלא בעיני שארית העם הזה בימים ההם גם בעיני יפלא 

Yes! That's the key after all the עצות and ideas. Continue to daven and continue to update us!