Day 40.

Now, for some real honesty.

I am angry, sad and scared for my future right now. It has to do with employment and a family to feed. It has to do with my identity in the field that I work in. It has to do with hope.

For the last 17 years of my life, the way I would deal with all of that bottled up emotion is to masturbate, with pornography or not. The news I received tonight is of the most difficult news that I have received in 17 years. I am not looking for anyone's sympathy, so please no "hang in there" or "it will all be okay" posts. I am here to declare that I have no intention of masturbating and I have no access to pornography and that is freakin' awesome.

As always you are an inspiration and a real role model. Thank you.

This post is gadlus. Raw painful feelings. Longing for past releases, but declaring NO! Don't worry about people giving you sympathy. You are above that. You deserve a good old fashioned complimentary heavy handed pat on the back, and then a hug. This is the stuff heroes are made from.

I have no idea what you're going through, internally. All I can say is (perhaps in a lesser scale), I go through the same feelings. When something bad or undesirable came up I had an "easy way out" in the past. Now I don't, and I second you, it's great. It forces you to take your problems head on and try to find healthy outlets for the built-up stress. It's definitely different and takes a lot of adaptation. But the end results are great.
Keep us posted, and thank you for sharing. It may sound clichéd but you really are an inspiration for us, there's no other way of wording that.

My Hashem send you a speedy yeshuos and give you the strength to overcome your current challenges.  I will davan for you.   

Day 50.

Nice to report that one. Nothing much to say. Could I be more careful with שמירת העינים when I go out in public? Yes. Could I be more careful to spend more time learning? Yes. I have a ways to go, but pornography and masturbation are just not a part of my life right now.

I embrace the uncertainty of "will I be able to stay on this course forever." I had a solid 50 days free of the dirty stuff. That's great. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? All I can do is stay the course. Continued denied access. Continued usage of GYE.

Thanks for reading.

WOW That's really incredible, really so so inspiring!! keep it up!!

When I see someone expressing their genuine struggle and not giving in, it inspires me to be better. Keep it up 

Day 60.

I keep a list of goals inside the front cover of my Mesilas Yesharim. Getting my pornography and masturbation issues in order has been on the list for years. It is no longer on the list.

That doesn't mean that I think I beat the yetzer hara. I am well aware of the likely consequences of discontinuing my posts and granting myself access to inappropriate materials.

That being said, I have a system that is currently working and I can now shift my focus to other things.

I'm happy to hear you are able to move on to other things!

Although you could remove it from your to do list, you should keep there on the "Trophy" side!

Either way, keep up the great work!! Hashem loves you!

Day 61.

I just wanted to say that there is something so powerful about clicking the update drop down on the left side of the screen and selecting "I'm still clean."

What I thought about just now, is that it isn't the satisfaction of another day without pornography and masturbation. I have already written in this thread how I don't get that much satisfaction out of abstaining.

What is powerful, for me right now, is that the act itself of selecting "I'm still clean" actually is a reminder of my commitment and really stops me in my tracks from acting on my sexual urges. More than it being a marker of my progress, it helps me get through the next day.

The 90-Day Count and this forum thread have been great interventions in helping me these last 61 days.

Thank you for sharing and keep at it! Klal Yisroel needs more people like you taking on the yetzer hara!

גוט וואך

Day 70. Didn't see that one coming! Awesome!

I wanted to write something that I have been thinking about over the past weeks. I wrote in one of my early posts how I--from a young age--have been conditioned to sit in front of a screen, tune out, and watch. Television, video games, internet. All of it and a lot of it.

I didn't grow up with the same values that I have now and when I went to yeshiva, I accepted--superficially--that those mediums of entertainment are forbidden. Waste of time. Unholy. While in yeshiva, in an environment that was 24/7 Torah study, I was able to conform to that way of life and spend my entire life in the beis medrash. When I went to kollel and certainly now in my years post-kollel, when and where I am not in a 24/7 Torah study situation, I had an internalized need to turn back to the resources of entertainment of my youth. The value of no TV and internet may be a great value and I truly believe in it to a large extent, but it was not working with my experience. I didn't realize this truth.

When I got a laptop, I blocked everything. Why should a ben Torah like me have any of that stuff on my machine? Problem is, I still had a habit to spend downtime sitting and watching in front of a screen. I would use my wife's machine--just because that is what I always did--and then inevitably, the other part of what I always did came up, pornography and "pleasuring myself."

Presenting myself with no option other than to learn Torah did not do well for me at home. Since I started GYE in January, I have relaxed and expanded the possibilities. I have access to some forms of entertainment on my computer which has an excellent pornography filter. I have no reason or need to ever use my wife's machine. Am I learning less? Yes. But I have also gone 70 days! I have a ways to go in my spiritual life. I would like to spend more of my free time in holier pursuits. That is true for me. However, I have made leaps and bounds in one area. 70 Days!

Thank you for reading and thanks to all who post replies and thank yous.

Wow, I identify with this post so much! I too grew up with a majority of my time spent in front of a screen and now have a much stronger Torah Value!

It is so important that you realize that need for a ''kosher'' outlet in your life right now in a healthy way. Lakol zman v'es. However, the same way that right now this may be what Hashem wants from you, it still may be possible that after you are stronger in this area, Hashem was want to you to redevote yourself to spending more Torah time over entertainment time.  I am sure other people may disagree, but I am only saying this to you because you mentioned having been in such a place in the past. I am just suggesting that life isn't so black and white that when you were in yeshiva or kollel you didn't do something and now you are out so you can. There are times when we are focusing on other areas of avodas Hashem that limit the amount of time we have to devote to learning Torah, but then it may come back around to refocusing on devoting more time to learning, or other areas of avodas Hashem.

Either way, congrats on day 70!!! Keep up the amazing work!!

Day 78.

I have to say that this day was the hardest of them all in terms of this struggle. I came very close to breaking my streak. I know that I got close because I had the very familiar and intense internal struggle. "Should I give in or not?" I hate to say it, but I am also grateful that I can say it, that it wasn't yir'as shomayim that sealed the deal, but rather it was my commitment to my 90 day count and this forum thread. It just wasn't worth it.

I should add that if no one had responded to my posts or did the thank yous, I probably would not have made the decision I made last night. Thank you to those who have posted replies.