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Need My Struggling Brothers to Please Listen
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: Need My Struggling Brothers to Please Listen 223 Views

Need My Struggling Brothers to Please Listen 18 Nov 2019 22:45 #345218

  • Mark18
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This was originally posted under another topic but perhaps belongs here-
I really appreciate this forum and the opportunity to speak openly with guys who really understand my struggle. I really need to share this. I am clean for three weeks but the desire to masturbate is very often overwhelming. Frankly I would give in big time and probably go on a major binge. To tell the truth it is not the aveira itself thats stopping me but the fear of onesh and the fact that if I give in it will really distance me from my relationship with Hashem. I'm certainly not a tzadik or perhaps have the closest relationship with Hashem but I truly believe from the depths of my heart and soul that Hashem is my father. I find myself going to shul late at night when I'm sure I'm absolutely alone and talk to my Father openly without embarrassment and really cry and pour out my heart and soul to Him about everything in my life and my struggles with Shmiras Eynaim and masturbation. If I give in I know it will really distance me from him and it will take a long time and a lot of crying to get back to where I was in my closeness to my Father and I don't want to risk that happening like it did the last time I fell three weeks ago where I not only felt horrible, devestated and guilty but also knew that my relationship with my Father was damaged. The only thing is that those two things are the only things that stop me from masturbating but not the fact that it is an aveira itself. So I really feel lacking in my Yiras Shomayim because of this. Does anyone have any insights or thoughts on this. I would really appreciate my brothers here to share their experiences and feelings with me. I'm sorry this post has been so long but I had a lot to say from my heart. Thanks for listening.

Re: Need My Struggling Brothers to Please Listen 26 Nov 2019 02:06 #345399

  • anonymo
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I think there is a misunderstanding, Yiras Shamaiym is not really just a fear of sin. It is rather a fear of one's self, the fact that you can make a mess of your own life, and that your sins have actual consequences. As you have free will you can make mistakes, and Hashem will not prevent you from doing mistakes as if he did you would not have free will. This fear of yourself is Yiras Shamaiym. Yiras Shamaiym also consists of the acknowledgement that you can mess up your relationship with Hashem as you can set yourself up for spiritual decline. You realize that your actions have consequences and that the only way to succeed is to follow Hashem's system. In such a way that you will be punished by Hashem for sinning as actions have consequence and in the end you can commit spiritual disaster if you do not follow his system. It seems to me you have some Yirash Shamaiym to get this far, so do not sell yourself short. As if you did not you would not be here on guard your eyes. A good book to read on this topic is the the six constant mitzvos which is published by artscroll.

Re: Need My Struggling Brothers to Please Listen 26 Nov 2019 07:00 #345409

  • Mark18
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Its obvious that your words come right from your heart and have a lot of wisdom. I never thought of Yiras Shomayim in this way and I really think you are right on target. Thank you for this important chizuk and words of Torah and chochma. Yasher Koach. Very well spoken.

Re: Need My Struggling Brothers to Please Listen 26 Nov 2019 10:28 #345416

  • UpAndDown
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Dear Mark18,
The fact that you are concerned and don't want to fall again - for whatever reason it may be - means that you ARE a Yerei Shamayim. A Yerei Shamayim is someone who is trying to avoid doing an Aveira. Full stop. 
And from what I read it sounds like you're actually on a very high level, living a life where Hashem is "real" and literally part of your day-to-day. Kol Hakavod!
The way I see it, the only thing you are lacking is "Yiras Cheit" - And the way to achieve more Yiras Cheit is by learing more about this topic. (Not all in one go, rather a little bit every day.) So here are some sources that helped me:
1. Kitzur Shulchan Aruch Siman 151,
2. Gemara Niddah 13a/b,
3. Yesod Veshoresh Hoavodah Sha'ar Hamayim (10) Chapter 3,
4. The Pirush called Tuvei Chaiyim on Tana Debei Eliyahu, Eliyahu Raba, Chapter 18, S"K 38

May Hashem be with you and save you and guide you.
And remember: Only the beginning is hard.
Keep us updated how things are going.

"NO MATTER HOW DIRTY YOUR PAST IS, YOUR FUTURE IS STILL SPOTLESS"

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