Welcome back
You seem to be in a stable and good place as far as your head is concerned.

KOTODAAT
B'Hatzlacha

Thanks MH! Always good to be back to the chevre.
Special thanks to R'eyes for not giving up on me.
B"H Day #1 clean.
I'm also on a diet right now. I watched my 600 lbs life last night and the participant's food addiction is awfully similar to SA. The psychologist on the show gave really good advice. Something we may all know but always worth repeating: The addiction is a compensatory mechanism for a void in life. So, at one point, the "void" must be addressed. But what was even more interesting is that she said to the recovering food addict: why do you indulge in food? Because you know exactly what to expect from it. You know the feeling you'll get from it. Since he isn't always sure of what to expect of his wife, he relies on food. Substitute that for SA and there you have some very sobering perspective. We must trust our partners and H"KBH, the ultimate provider of all our needs.

Thanks for inaugurating me with a initials nickname I think it's the first time I got one.

The most important thing is to remember that you gotta work with what works for you and take all comments/suggestions/mussur with a grain of salt and sometimes with more.

KOMTODAAT
B'Hatzlacha

Lol no problem!
I usually call people with composite nicknames by their initials.
B"H Day #3 clean.
Sad to say but it's been quite of a while since I managed to stay 3 days clean, so I'm quite happy.
Not much to say, just trying to pretend I don't know what MZL is. The moment I start discussing it in my head, should I do it or not, is the moment I'm gonna do it, so might as well pretend it simply doesn't exist.
Also, being extra careful with shemiras eyinaim and shemiras hamachshove. 
I'm on a good sports streak and I think it's doing wonders. Might go for a quick swim before YK.
About the divorce, B"H I'm healing, feeling less sad each passing day. Trying to get back to the shidduch scene. Got a new shadchanis to talk to after the festivals.
Thank you all for the continuous support.

I wanted to share an interesting point that I read.

The best armor to protect yourself from the yetzer's attack is the attitude, "Everything I need, I have (because God provided everything)." Indeed, this is the meaning of the blessing we say every morning thanking God "Who provided me my every need." At the time you recite this blessing and throughout the day, you should feel that, at this moment, you have everything you need. This does not preclude wanting things in the future, but a bedrock belief in God's goodness and kindness to you at this very moment is the best battle stance against the yetzer hara.

You achieve this attitude by shifting your focus from what you don't have to what you do have. We are familiar with the automatic rifle carried at all times by Israeli soldiers: the M16. To fight the yetzer hara of lack we must carry one of two weapons: the G(Gratitude)16 and the G17. To use the G16, stop obsessing on what you don't have and refocus your thoughts on the details of what you do have:

You may not yet be married, but you do have many of the components necessary to live a life of meaning, such as good friends and an interesting job. Take time to think about and be grateful for each one of your friends and the specific plusses of your job.

The weapon G17 works like the precision missiles the Israeli air force uses to target particular terrorist leaders in the Gaza Strip. It can destroy a third floor apartment without damaging anything on the fourth and second floors. The G17 is a very sophisticated weapon. While the G16 involves shifting your focus from what you don't have to what you do have, the G17 ferrets out the blessing hidden within the lack itself.

You may not have a spouse, but your single status allows you its own unique avenues for your spiritual expression. In fact, because you are not yet married, you have the time to nurture yourself and others spiritually and materially in ways you won't have time to do later when you have a family.

Focusing on what you have rather than what you don't have is a foolproof weapon against the yetzer hara. Utter the formula, "Everything I need, I have (because God provided everything)," feel joy and gratitude to God, and you've won the battle.

DavidT wrote on 15 Sep 2021 14:49:

I believe this is the mening of "sabeinnu metuvecha". Sorry I can't type hebrew but hopefully you were able to read that. We are asking Hashem to let us feel satisfied with what we have and not feel the need to look for more

B"H Day #5 clean.

Thanks for the great advice David.
Indeed, that's something I need to work on. I'm very eager to find a new shidduch, and I think that's perfectly fine. But it's a good mindset to believe "I am complete (shalem)" already and that might even help me with the shidduch, as in not to rush and make a wrong decision. It also may help me with controlling the YH in this sense of P&M, i.e. I already have a great life, why act out?
So thanks for that, I'll work on it. It also makes me wonder, what should be my avodas Hashem right now, since I do have more free time. Maybe I should start something new and when I Bez"H get married I'll maintain it. Perhaps a new seder or more kiruv activities.

B"H had an amazing YK. Both in gashmius and ruchnius. In the gashmius department, it's funny, I had no headaches whatsoever, something quite new. In the ruchnius, being clean, even if for a short while, before and after has been blissful. I managed to focus on the davening quite a bit. I was the chazan too of Shacharis, which it was a completely new experience. And it gave me the necessary chizuk to keep growing in yiddishkeit.

Just wanted to mention a last thing. A quite ominuous event happened in the kapporos. The chicken actually scratched my left hand. It wasn't anything serious, but it bled and hurt quite a bit. I have a 6cm gash in my left hand as of now. I really believe in the Kabbalah and it was maybe part of the kapporo I needed (it was kapporos after all lol). Which made me wonder, why the left hand, and not the right one? Hope not to be triggering here, but I'll try to keep it short and Dai la mevin. If any mod feels this is triggering, please edit it.
I came up with an explanation. The left hand was the one that held the mobile phone and made me see forbidden stuff. Maybe that was even more serious than acting out. Because not only it ultimately led to the acting out, but in addition to that, I saw forbidden material, and as the seforim goes, the eyes are keneged Atzilus. 
Anyway, I don't take it in a negative tone, on the contrary. If now my left hand was mechapere'd, I'm only glad. Es Hashem oheiv Hashem ochioch...
A gut Yom Tov to the heilige chevre here.

B"H Day #8 clean.

Sunday, as I've repeated in the thread is always a more difficult day, particularly without the kids. B"H I've somehow kept extremely busy the whole day. In the morning I cleaned the house, did a nice sport, then took a quick shower, had my parents over for lunch so I cooked a little, then went to shul to help the rabbi bind lulavim. When I came back it was night time already. And B"H was pretty tired and no urges.
So far, so good B"H.
A gut Yom Tov.

You are a real inspiration buddy.

Thanks guys.
B"H Day #11 clean. Yesterday, I was getting weird ideas about motzaei YT, since the kids were going back to their mom's and I'd be alone. So I took a cold shower on YT lol, even though the weather was quite cold here. It helped I guess. Over one hurdle.

A gut moed.

Fell yesterday.
But B"H still going. Trying not to give much attention to it.
B"H it was without porn, so a minor win at least. Didn't even use the phone.
I'll try not to give much attention to falls, due to my current difficult situation. I guess if I fall once every 2 weeks it's already a great progress than from falling everyday. Although I'll surely keep trying my best not to fall at all. Shabbos was quite stressful and I think things added up.
Back to day #1.

Had some more falls in-between. Deleted Instagram and Facebook from the phone. I'm done looking for non-tziusnidike pictures.
Also, I'm signing up for a Smiche program. It's quite intense and I hope to keep up, but Bez"H next year I could get the title, if I manage to keep up.
Hopefully that will be an extra motivation to quit P&M.
Today is day #1 again. (Fell yesterday).
Still, feeling optimistic. Rather nervous if I'll be able to keep up with the program (you kinda have to pay it upfront), but I figure, now's the time. I'm single and have more free time.

Hey guys,
So after many falls, I seem to be finally getting back up. It's only day #2 but, feeling more motivated overall. I've upped my game even more, now I'm doing daf Yomi, besides the smiche program. Trying to keep as busy as possible, especially with Torah, and hopefully ward off the YH.
Truth of the matter is, I think I lack motivation to stop. All the filters in the world won't stop me, unless I truly want to. I finally feel like regaining motivation, but I think it would be nice to take action to improve in that area and avoid feeling unmotivated again. Any suggestions? Perhaps a kabbalah book about the benefits of being shomer habris? Or other types of material too that could help me keep motivated.

It's very hard to be motivated when the addiction rewards us in such a powerful way and immediately. Still, if you want to approach your problem from that standpoint there are therapists and books that can help with motivation.

Recently I joined SA and I do find the fellowship tremendously motivating. But it was at the end of a long intellectual journey.

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 13 Oct 2021 14:20:

i can second that my life changed by going to live meetings, its very very hard but once i did it life is much batter