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My first bein hazmanim clean
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: My first bein hazmanim clean 2015 Views

My first bein hazmanim clean 07 Aug 2019 20:02 #342738

  • Street
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I've been struggling with masturbation and lust for as long as I can remember. My situation is such that when I'm acting out I can't get out of the rut until I acted out so much that I get disgusted with myself and only then could I stop. Once I hit that point and actually stop, I stay clean anywhere from a few days up to 5-6 weeks depending on the time period (yomim noraim, beginning of zman etc) but once I fall I never manage to catch myself. Every fall goes all the way down and begins the cycle anew. B'chasdei Hashem I found gye 2 months ago and began working with the tools they offer. My first attempt at the 90 day challenge ended after 2 weeks in my usual way. I'm now on my second attempt and boruch Hashem I made it to day 27 so far which is quite a chiddush for this time of year (with all the triggers in the street). Sorry for the lengthy introduction now here's the reason for my thread. Up until now I've keeping a private log to keep up my motivation and to hold myself accountable, however now that bein hazmanim is here I plan to start keeping my log and writing my kabalos/plans here on the forum for extra accountability. Bein haZmanim is only 3 weeks long, yet I don't think I ever had a clean bein hazmanim hence my extreme apprehension going in to this stretch  of my 90 day journey. My first day off is Friday so bezras
Hashem I'll post my kabalos/plans sometime today or tomorrow. If you actually made it this far on down my lengthy post I appreciate it and he you have any ha'aros let me know. If there are any bochurim who want to join and help hold of accountable I'm sure that would help. 
Last Edit: 07 Aug 2019 20:06 by Street.

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 07 Aug 2019 21:38 #342743

I'm a bochur and I'd love to be your accountability partner, and be mine simultaneously.
Feel free to pm me, currently a lucky choson which merited to have discovered gye 1.5 years ago which BH totally changed my life from one extreme to the other!

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 07 Aug 2019 22:03 #342744

  • ColinColin
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Street

I used to be like you.
Short or medium clean periods, then lots of frequent falls.

I managed to break that cycle as follows:

When an urge comes, break down things into 5 minute blocks.
Say to yourself, I will do an activity for the next 5 minutes to take my mind off the urge.

But the key is to see the urge for what it is, an urge...external to you.
But triggered by your genuine emotions.

So long term you need to live a life that nourishes you in a healthy way.

That is about fulfilment from positive activities and a realistic approach.

But when the urge strikes, you do need a tactical plan.

Try walking, reading, calling a friend etc.

Or mindfulness.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 08 Aug 2019 03:21 #342750

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Welcome. Wise choice to reach out to the chevra. Being connected works b'ezras Hashem.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 08 Aug 2019 09:54 #342753

  • David26fr
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Welcome here !

It's good to have plans and strategy to work with...

Just a little thing : you can have an objective to stay clean for 3 weeks or 90 day, but remind to take it moment by moment, one day at a time. Because have absolute objectives can be counter productive, and can bring stress and fears about reaching this goal, especially in a moment of "long storm".

You do your best, now, at this moment. You do your work and your program. And Hachem will do his best about the long term.

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 08 Aug 2019 10:41 #342755

  • bego
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Hi

Its hard to balance the recognition of how hard this is, versus the desire to change. What can I say, I never had a Bein Hazmanim without porn - but I never had a  Zman without it either! 

I'm now B"H doing much better, but it took time. I wish I'd found this place many long years ago!! Hashem has been kind to you. My generation only had porn, not the help of GYE. You've done a great job by coming here and B'ezras Hashem you'll make great strides (even if it isn't perfection). 

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 08 Aug 2019 11:48 #342757

  • UpAndDown
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Welcome, my friend!
You remind me of myself! When I was a Bachur...

A little thought I had:
This Bein Hazmanim is the most suitable one to be a first clean one...
Many people are on holidays in the mountains these days. Some young men are taking the courage to climb a mountain for several hours. It's hard work. It takes a lot of energy. Sometimes it's very very tough. But they're more then happy to do it because they know that when they get up to the top there is a beautiful, mind blowing view!
When being on the 90 day chart, at times it's very tough. But then just remember one thing: When you'll get to the top, it's so beautiful! There is no better feeling then being in total control of your actions! It's so refreshing, so relaxing, a real thrill! So it's worth all the hardship.

Wishing you much success!
We're in it together!

"NO MATTER HOW DIRTY YOUR PAST IS, YOUR FUTURE IS STILL SPOTLESS"

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 08 Aug 2019 15:02 #342759

  • Dave M
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Welcome!  Thank you for sharing that with us.  I found that posting regularly and reading other people posts helped me tremendously. 

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 08 Aug 2019 21:33 #342764

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Thank you all for your support and advice. Shnitzel... Your partnership should be very helpful. I'll be heading home bezras Hashem tom so I want to post some rules for myself. 1 I will not enter a specific area of my house which I specified in writing for myself (this area caused many a fall for me. Boruch Hashem it's not a computer that's the issue but what it is, is a big Yetzer hora for me) unless there is someone else already in said area. When they leave I will leave. The exception I must make is if I'm directed by one of my parents to get something from there and I have no way to delegate the job to someone else. 2 before I go out, I will specify in writing where I'm going and why. This will hopefully help me stay focused on my destination and not get busy with the happenings on the street. In addition I will plan my route before leaving to ensure that I travel the safest route with regards to guarding my eyes. Hopefully if I have a planned route the Yetzer hora won't be able to convince me to change it in order to lust which has also been the catalyst for many of my bein hazmanim falls. That is besides the chiyuv of ika darkah ach'rina. 3 if I walk to Shachris I will remove my glasses for the walk to and from Shul.                                               I must make a schedule for my day but I'll leave that till after tisha b'av.           

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 12 Aug 2019 05:41 #342794

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B'chasdei Hashem day 31 past and I'm still standing! 
I'm adding 2 kabalos bl"n in ruchniyos to give fulfilment to my day. 1 to say the tehilim for the day of the week 2 to learn one daf gemara rashi every day.              In the past once I would be clean for even a few days my davening improved immensely and my learning a bit too. This time even though I'm clean over a month boruch Hashem, my overall ruchniyos did not improved that much. I'm assuming the reason is to protect myself from the inevitable fall that has happened every single time in the past that I went clean. By now my mind is telling me don't bother getting back in to things bc you'll fall soon enough anyhow. I hope and daven that this time with the tools I have and am learning that won't be the case and I'll stay clean but regardless of that I really want to get back in touch spiritually and I'm wondering if I'll just have to wait it out until my mind realizes that I mean business. 

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 13 Aug 2019 06:14 #342823

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Boruch Hashem the day passed pretty much without incident. 
It's great to go through a day and actually live it and not be constantly fighting urges. What scares me though is this, since I started my most recent clean streak I didn't have any real overpowering urges which I'm assuming is due to my increased motivation from the 90 day challenge and just being on gye (though I did fall an entire week long since joining). If this understanding is true I'm in big trouble bc I have no plan in place for when my motivation wears off and I have to deal with a strong urge. I read such stories on the forum which is what got me thinking about this in the first place. If anyone has experience or advice I would love to hear from you.  

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 13 Aug 2019 12:59 #342826

  • Dave M
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It's very normal in the beginning, when we are very motivated, that things will be easier.  You are correct that when the motivation begins to wear off after 2-3 weeks it will get harder.  But the fact that you are aware of this allows you to implement the necessary fences to help prevent these urges.  For me, the key in this battle is staying away from triggering circumstances.  You need to take a deep honest look within and analyze what situation are triggering to you?  Is there a specific place or time?  

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 14 Aug 2019 05:37 #342847

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Wow another day. 
Boruch Hashem I've been keeping to my kabalos. Area x I went in to today but someone else was also there so I was allowed to but I should avoid it anyways unless there's a reason so go.
Ever since my clean streak took off I'm petrified of falling but today I realized that I don't really care that much about the actual fall, I did it too many times in the past and it didn't scare me this much. What I'm scared of is the fact that if I fall I'll have to admit that my problem is bigger than the current tools in working with and I have to move to more advanced methods. This scares me bc I don't want to admit that my problem is that big. Don't know if this fear is good or bad but at least I finally figured (I think) out what it's all about.   
David M: thanks for your advice it sounds right on target. I find it very hard to figure things out when I'm not actually going through it then but when I'm going through it I have no motivation to work on it... I'm going to try analyzing before it comes up well see what happens.                                                                            With gratitude for the past and tefilos for the future
Last Edit: 14 Aug 2019 05:39 by Street.

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 14 Aug 2019 20:39 #342861

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Please stop panicking. You ae bh doing well and b'ezras Hashem will continue to do so. You don't have to inevitably fall. However whether you do or don't is not the litmus test of success. The goal here is to heal your way of thinking about sexuality and about yourself. With healthy thinking, if someone chas v'shalom falls, it is a one time thing. It is similar to a mountain climber who fell into a ditch. As he bandages his scrapes, he enjoys the view and plans how to avoid future ditches. He celebrates how high he is already and grabs on to a fellow climber for some added support. He does not wallow in despair, he only has enough charata to cause him to productively prepare to continue the climb to the peak. On the other hand, a fellow who chalila binges, goes into hiding, and falls into despair is like one who rolled down the mountain and must start again. From your forum entries it is clear that you have already bh rewired much of your thinking. May Hashem help you continue with much hatzlocha being an inspiration for all of us.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: My first bein hazmanim clean 19 Aug 2019 16:25 #342922

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I never believed I would still be clean over a week in to bein hazmanim, but b'chasdei Hashem I am. I basically kept all my kabalos so far. The only one that I'm having a hard time with is charting my route in writing before I go anywhere bc it's not always possible but I do it whenever I can and he not I plan it in my mind. Once I had to enter area x when no one was there but my father sent me so I was allowed according to my rules. I went in for a second and went right out. 
I would like to add another kabalah for the rest of this week but I'm not sure what, if anyone has any suggestions I would be interested in hearing them.
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