Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Since I am not insane, every time I fall, I have to try something new. This time, it's writing publicly about my 90 day journey on this forum.

Today I am ending Day 2 of my journey. I fell on Monday night (Motzei Chag) and Tuesday morning as a continuation of that binge.
I have identified the triggers - I was feeling sad about myself, about my body image. I felt fat and had a bad workout session after the holiday and I felt hopeless about my personal fitness and health goals. That is a classic trigger to fall for me.
The trigger led to a fall because there was an opportunity in my filter situation - I have my internet basically turn off on my computer around 11pm, which is when I usually try to go to sleep, and usually after that time I would fall in the past. However, that filter was turned off on my phone from the week before, because I was out late and needed to use the Uber app to get home, and I never turned it back on. So I used my phone to look up stuff to make me feel better. I can't even remember the rationale in my head that led me there. It never makes sense afterwards anyway. But I've fixed that loophole - I've now set the filter to just block the browser on my phone, but to allow the apps I would potentially need, so that I won't have to turn it off.

Yet, the Covenant Eyes system caught my behavior. This morning, I was charged $100 for the fall. This I hope will be the incentive and motivation to not use that avenue to look things up again. I will get caught. And I will pay for it.

So I'm feeling optimistic about the future. I was at Day 28 before Monday's fall. Last time I got to Day 50. I think I can do it. I'll keep you (Diary?) updated

Thank you for the sharing

Just, don't forget to :

• Take it one day at a time, don't make the 90 days as an absolute objective
• Work on you to analyze your triggers and work on them (sadness, distress....), rather than just "I must not fall". This journey is rather a process to change your life and the way you see it than avoiding falls at any cost.

Hachem will help you in your journey !

Thanks for the Chizzuk.

Today is day 7. If I survive the night, I will be good for a week. But I'm nervous about tonight. I am feeling sad right now - someone I was dating, who I liked, who was giving me hope for this journey and many of the issues I have been dealing with - broke up with me. And its making me sad. And scared for the future. And what this means for me. And when these feelings come up, there's really only one way I know how to deal with them - you know what I mean. But I'm trying to be strong tonight. I'm recognizing these feelings and I'm letting myself feel them. It's ok to be sad, feeling sad is normal in this situation. And I'm not going to try to cover up and disengage from these feelings by falling into the old habits that make me feel worse. I'm going to stick with feeling these feelings. Let them wash over me. Be a part of me. Because I know tomorrow morning, I'll feel better. I won't feel better if I take the instant gratification route right now. And it won't be healthy for my ability to deal with sad feelings. So I'm writing about it now. Just getting it all out on *paper* here.

I am loved. I am worthy of being loved. And there is someone out there who I will love and who will love me back. One day we'll find it each other.
I am beautiful. I am smart. I am strong. I am enough.

We got this.

Great post! Allowing yourself to feel is healthy. (Boy do I wish someone would have told me that long ago....) Sharing feelings is a good technique to staying clean b'ezras Hashem. On the forum is a great start and for some guys it's enough. To speak with a chaver either from here or from your "real life" is even better because you will get their response ....

Well, I survived the night. I got through it without breaking my commitment to myself. Today was still a miserable day, felt depressed and didn't want to do anything. But it would have felt worse if I fell. I'm feeling good about this, writing on the forums to get me through things. I feel optimistic I can go day by day.

Wow I really admire your strength! I just read ur post and its so inspiring to see how strong you are! Thank you, ur a real inspiration.

I havn't posted on too many forums recently, simply for lack of time. However, when I saw your thread I had to read it!

Thank you for the inspiration! You must be an incredible person to take the initiative to come on here and post your experience as a way to overcome this challenge. It took me years to take that step and B''H it helped me tremendously, and I hope it does the same for you. 

The support group I gained by posting on GYE helped me combat these challenges in a way I hadn't been able to before hand. I also went through times feeling worthless and incapable (my idea of "fat") because this challenge controlled my life. In matter of fact, sometimes I did wonder if I was insane. 

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that you should be incredibly proud of yourself. The first step to overcoming this, contrary to popular belief, is actually believing that you are an amazing person, and based on your posts I have no doubt you are! Everything else follows after that much easier. 

Wishing you much hatzlacha on this new journey and please keep us posted on your continued journey working on this challenge.



#RomeWasntBuiltInADay
#Positive
#Smile
#HashemLovesYou

startinganew18 wrote on 19 Jun 2019 01:10:

Very good !
A good strategy after such a victory is to offer yourself a reward : it could be a little thing that you like and is clean (for me it could be can of Coca, or a funny video on Torah-Box...)

It could break the sadness, and the circle of "down and punishment"... I think

Thank you all for your kind words, validation, and reinforcement! I did not realize the effect these posts would have on people - I expected too just post for myself as a way to concertize my thoughts and get them out of my head. It has been quite inspiring and motivating to read all this and has definitely been part of the reason I am still in this, 12 days into the 90 day count.

Since last week, things have been going relatively well. Of course, there are areas of my life I want to fix and improve on, but overall I am proud of the direction things are going and anticipate this week to be relatively easy in how I progress on these 90 days. Its funny, now that I am a nice number of days beyond worrying about a future fall, I start focusing on other stressors in my life. Today I have been thinking about how I don't have time to do all the things I want to do in the day and in a week, balancing doing all the religious activities I want to do, with work requirements, with exercising and eating healthy, with socializing, with getting into hobbies and just engaging in recreational activities. It's all good things! But it overwhelms me when I try to do it all.

I am a little concerned since 15 days is when I often fall - not fully sure why. I suspect the motivation I have to not fall that comes from the shame of the last fall weakens and dissipates after 2 weeks. Here's to hoping that this time that won't happen, since I am posting on this forum, reminding myself to stay strong, and be inspired by other people's stories and journeys.

Ok here we are. Day 15. I am very proud of myself for getting here! It's not the first time, I can often go to 15 days easily, but nevertheless, its still something to celebrate! And I rewarded myself for it as well. But now is when I can fall again - today already I know I have felt triggers multiple times. But my response now is if I feel strong triggers, I come here and write. And write a commitment that at least for today, I won't fall. Sure things in life have been frustrating recently and overwhelming. But overall, things are good. I'm keeping busy. And I won't turn to bad habits to deal with the stress like I used to.

The tachlis is not in the number of days but rather in rewiring our brains. If you made it 15 days with proper thinking, then you can b'ezras Hashem just keep going, one day at a time. Urges will come, it is to be expected. Even big tzaddikim who never watched pornography have urges. Urges do not define us, and they should not make us feel like throwing in the towel ("if I am having these urges/thoughts I am obviously a lowlife so I may as well act out..."). We were created like this. Hashem has immense nachas each time we turn away our eyes, stop an inappropriate thought, or "keep our hands off". Continued hatzlocha chaver!

Just remember what you said in your last post. when you're not focused on worrying about your next fall you can focus on dealing with the stresses in your life that are behind the falls (I'm not sure how to cut and paste from other posts in that grey box (someone please message me how!) so ill just quote you  "Its funny, now that I am a nice number of days beyond worrying about a future fall, I start focusing on other stressors in my life". When I joined gye 37 days ago I never put the 2 together. I just thought watching porn was something I do. I'm learning to stop focusing on the past or worrying about future falls rather to deal with the present stresses that are "causing" me to fall. 

Seems like you're on the right path to 90.

startinganew18 wrote on 24 Jun 2019 02:03:

First time trying to quote- hope it works the way it’s supposed to

I have a very similar feeling whenever I get in a good streak of not falling that u feel good about yourself and try to do a lot of other things i.e. exercise, eating healthy, learning more or generally taking care of errands u pushed off.
Sometimes it can be overwhelming  and very nerve racking because if u have a fall then everything else comes crashing down with it and your whole new happy life gets flipped upside down. 

I dont know if i if I have a solution lol- but being aware of it is half the battle and being prepared. 

Unfortunately I fell (a few times) last week. I made it officially to 25 days I believe. Good. Not my best. Not what I wanted. But something to be proud of.

I know what triggered me. I was sad and lonely and overwhelmed by the uncertainty of my future in love and sex and companionship. I was attending a slew of weddings of friends and they just made me sad and brought up a lot of dark thoughts. And so, after I came back from one of the weddings, a little drunk, a lot of sad, I fell. I went searching for the temporary relief and feelings that make me feel good physically, but it doesn't really solve the existential pain. It just covers it with a new pain of shame and depression over what I just did to try to make myself feel better.

I know what I should have done. I should have came here. To this forum. And write about those feelings. And know that I would get positive responses and encouragement from the nice people on this forum. And that's what I hope to do next time. Because, these feelings will come again. They are unavoidable and they are a part of me.

This may be controversial, but I also want to forgive myself for my fall. I understand why I did what I did, I don't want to vilify and shame the behavior anymore than I need to. I did it because that was how I have learned how to respond to pain and sadness. I may not  concsiously like that that is the path I take, but I don't need to add on to my suffering by shaming myself for what I did. I'm trying to practice self-compassion and so I did what I did because it was an automatic response that makes me feel better. And that's ok. I just need to try harder next time to find another avenue to make myself feel better because this one doesn't really make myself feel better; it just makes me feel worst.

On to 90 days again please.

Startinganew18,

Way to go!!!

Your struggle is so real and authentic. It's inspiring to read.

Cheering you on buddy!