Hi all,

I don't know where to start from but I'll just share the raw emotions that I'm feeling at the moment. I've been on GYE for quite some time and had some real nice streaks of sobriety the last major one being 143 days. But since i fell after reaching that streak i've been a real mess. I've had some clean weeks here and some clean weeks there some PA meetings  and SA meetings as well but i have unfortunately not gotten back on track.

Pesach in particular has been one major dizaaster with nonstop watching porn and masturbating like a drunken guy who will do anything to get his bottle even though my  parents were around and walked in while I was watching a few times (i quickly made like i was in the middle of something else) and went right back ro my porn right after they left the room (the honest truth is I feel that my father might have realized what I was up as he stared at me and the screen which i had closed to a blank google page for quite some time in a funny way before leaving)

I am realizing just how sick and crazy i get when I fall and how unmanagable i get during my drunken state. I am a funny type of sexaholic who while when under the right frame of mind i can stay sober for nice periods of time. When I fall i start binging and totally start going on such a crazy and destructive cycle.

I am sick and putting my future as well as my present life on a real dangerous and destructive path due to my sickness!!! And i know i have only one option to get myself back on a sober path and that is to truly humble myself and admit utter defeat and start properly working a program unfortunately I'm right now lacking the strength and willpower to work a program I'm way too drunk at the moment and not ready to admit just how sick I am, and to do the work required for recovery.

I hope to write my raw and honest feelings in this thread during the next couple of days hopefully that will push me out of my secrecy and back into working a program of recovery.

 Love Yankel
:peace:Your friend who is in a painful and confusing state of mind right now.

Hi a gut summer,

Looking for a chavrusah to go through the big book together every night a few minutes per night. If interested please reach out to me  at jakecoulddoit@gmail.com

 Love Yankel 

Yankel

You are not alone.
By getting to 143 days you have shown you can stay clean.

But when you fall, you fall hard.
That is actually normal.
Your brain has been wired in such a way that it will crave falling...it craves dopamine, and once it gets a little taste of it again, it goes haywire.

It is the way I am too.
I manage to stay clean for a few months, then go crazy.

The way I am now I am taking it very much day by day.
I do not set targets of "so many days" any more, because when I reach them, I "allow" myself to fall again, thinking I have achieved what I wanted.

So instead I take things day by day, hour by hour, 10 minute block by 10 minute block.

I work hard to be aware of when I am especially vulnerable, and counter it by positive activities.

It is the only method that has worked for me so far.

Hi,
It is great you have clean streaks and that  proves you are a good person who wants to and is able to stay clean. It is depressing and unfortunate when we fall, but it is ok, as long as we try to get back on track, which it seems like you are. Like ColinColin said the best way to stay clean is to stay positive and stay active. if you find yourself having too much free time, think of a hobby you'd like to get into.
If you want to continue chatting and talking, i am available and  always happy to help (360gye@gmail.com)

Thanks @360gye and @ColinColin I really appreciate the chizuk/advice its all very true and makes a lot of sense.

Anyways i decided to write a contract against going on an unfiltered computer hopefully by avoiding unfiltered computers without reaching out to someone beforehand it will help me a lot in my struggle. Here is a copy of it.

Due to the fact that using an unfiltered computer in the past has constantly led me to watch pornography.
I Yankel agree not to use any unfiltered or not properly filtered computer (other than my main work computer) for any reason whatsoever unless under constant supervision by someone else. If i must use an unfiltered computer then I must contact a fellow GYE member beforehand as well as afterwards.
If I willingly go unsupervised on an unfiltered computer for any reason without contacting a fellow GYE member I will have to pay $100 to GYE regardless of what I did on the computer.

Iy'h this will allow me to gain freedom from the destruction that pornography has brought upon my life.

Yankel April 28th.

 Love Yankel

thats life... we'v got ups, and wev got downs. part of what makes us human. no one only gos up (ive heard it said that the last one who had the ability/siyata dishmaya to only go up, was the chofetz chaim) what makes us superhuman is to keep getting back up. again, and again, and again... hatzlocha rabba!!

I heard from a Rabbi that when the Navi Yehezkel saw the merkava (chariot), the chariot was going back and forth.
First going in one direction, then in another.

This refers to the typical spiritual process of a human, where we go towards Hashem in spiritual progress, but then can fall away, then go towards Hashem again.
Of course, our aim in life is to go towards him.

Oysh here i am again "I feel like a real fool". I once again fell and I got in that crazy idiotic binging mood when I fell. Why do I keep falling I've been having a rough patch and looked to escape.

I need to work to get myself back on track and connect with others instead of trying to run away from my sorrow with destructive behaviors which make my sorrow and depression way way worse. 

I'm in a lot of pain
your friend Yankel 

Sorry to hear Yankel 

In some ways not acting out is more difficult.

For example the other day I had a disagreement with my wife. That night all I wanted to do was act out and wake up the next morning and move on in life ( this is what I would indeed do before my clean days) now I had to actually work on the problem to remove the pain. Ultimately it made our relationship stronger, buy it was definitely the harder way out (at least short term)

However the flip side is life is more real. I don't know if this has any bearing in your situation or not.

Regardless hatzlacha rabba!

Thanks for your chizuk, B'h I'm doing better. Very nicely and well put @Hakolhevel

 Lots of love Yankel!