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TOPIC: shiduchim 429 Views

shiduchim 14 Jan 2019 14:38 #338438

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Hi i hope everyone is doing AMAZING.
im about to start shiduchim and ive had two thoughts/questions which have been bothering me  (im going to try and formulate the question as well as i can)
1) should i tell the girl im dating that i had a problem with masturbation and  porn b/c honestly i doubt that she would understand and she would prob want to discus it with her parents etc
2) how is it fair to the girl that she has to marry someone like me with my bagage (in a case that she doesnt know, obviously if she knows then its her choice)
confused and looking for answers
thank you and have a great day

Re: shiduchim 22 Jan 2019 06:26 #338586

It is a really "had a problem" or "still have"? If you haven't taken care of it, it will always be a problem, and if you had taken care of it then why would you say? If it's still bugging you even after so called recovery, then you still have a problem..
Feel free to pm me
"The 30 sec enjoyment ain't worth the 30 day depression which comes right after it!"

ולכן אל יפול לב אדם וכו' גם אם יהיה כן   כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: shiduchim 22 Jan 2019 21:33 #338593

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Deleted post.
Last Edit: 23 Jan 2019 02:42 by ColinColin.

Re: shiduchim 23 Jan 2019 00:22 #338599

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Rabbi Dr. Twerski opinion on the matter is to tell. Truth and openness are the bedrock of all relationships, and secrets destroy relationships. How to present it and when to tell is a different matter. Good luck.

Re: shiduchim 23 Jan 2019 02:23 #338601

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Son wrote on 14 Jan 2019 14:38:
 honestly i doubt that she would understand and she would prob want to discus it with her parents etc


If you plan on dating a typical Bais Yaakov girl, & you plan on telling her this, just do it before pulling outta the driveway on date #1, & save yourself a trip to the marriott...
Even married women w/ kids have serious contemplations of walking out,
קל וחומר a date. this is total "freak out" material for these girls.

if it's a serious relationship issue, & not just a once-in-a-while יצר הרע (which is normal - not "baggage" IMHO), then speak to a Rav (competent in this field) if you're ready to date at all, or should work on recovery first. I agree it's unfair to bring a serious issue into the marriage w/o telling, you gotta speak to a professional how to pull it off & still make it to the wedding...

You should have LOTS of הצלחה, in this battle & in שידוכים!

Re: shiduchim 24 Jan 2019 00:13 #338631

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Thank you so much for answering.
I just wanted to clarify, how do I decide if it's once in awhile or if it's bagage? 

Re: shiduchim 24 Jan 2019 00:17 #338632

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Hi I hope your doing well, first of all thank you for responding
let's say I took care of it, doesn't she have a right to know before she goes into such a relationship  if someone was an alcohol addict and was clean for the amount of time it takes to b clean do u think she should be told that he was an aa? 

Re: shiduchim 24 Jan 2019 05:35 #338638

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Son wrote on 24 Jan 2019 00:17:

let's say I took care of it, doesn't she have a right to know before she goes into such a relationship  if someone was an alcohol addict and was clean for the amount of time it takes to b clean do u think she should be told that he was an aa? 

If you're fully convinced that you took care of it, for good, then I can't imagine it's called "baggage". Anything brought up will be assumed much worse than you say it, & will endanger the shidduch. 
An alcohol addict (as well as a sex addict, as I understand) is never "clean". He's sober, day by day. If he stops doing the 12 steps & going to meetings, even many years later, he's highly likely to drink again & end up exactly where he left off (or worse). That you probably shouldn't hide from a prospective shidduch.
This is not a decision to make on your own. Speak openly & honestly with a Rebbe, make sure he gets the full story. 
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