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A recent scientific study shows that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong! See www.guardyoureyes.com/tools/90-day-chart.
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TOPIC: how I did it... 175 Views

how I did it... 27 Dec 2018 11:37 #338059

  • imeinanili
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I just made it to 90 - first time ever. Previously I never got even close (I think 14 days was my max). 

It happened like this: I was pretty much as low a character as they come online. I had a bit of a following on the 'frum' sites and forums. I had a huge collection of private pics of frum girls that I had obtained in various not good ways (some tricking the girls, some figuring out private passwords) and was getting to be a big upskirt taker (I had a perfect technique and had a lot of stuff). Mostly sem girls and schoolgirls was my thing. Pretty sick.

It took a massive toll on my family life. I'd make up reasons to go to the store so I could get upskirt pics, or to go somewhere if it was a windy day and I thought I could get things. I had private pics of my wife's friends, local teenage girls, all sorts. I also got good at photoshopping pics so if someone wanted a BY girl they knew in an adult setting they'd send it to me. 

Like I said: I was as low as they come. 

I had tried before. I had multiple Google Drive accounts with thousands and thousands of pics and vids. What would always happen on the previous attempts was I'd decide to quit, then delete all the content, then a couple of weeks later be moreh heter that if I was going to fall then better to do it with frum material, and then I'd desperately spend hours with Gmail's recovery service to get the stuff back. 

This past Sukkos something happened. The big 'joke' with all this is that I have a position that has a certain chashivus to it, and so people view me as that. And I always took that seriously, but there was a double life going on (literally like the ads for GYE). On the way to shul on Shemini Atzeres (this was after I'd deleted everything for Yom Kippur and then recovered it all a few days later) it struck me: 1. I love my family so so so much, but if they knew what low down things I was doing I do not think they would be able (even if they wanted) to return that love. 2. I've fallen so far from Hashem and He has given me so much, that I need to do this because I love Him - not because of fear of the consequence.

In other words, whereas previously my motivation had always been guilt and fear, I now decided to work on it out of love: for my family, for Hashem.

Those last two days of Yom Tov were tough: I wanted to delete all my accounts but could not. In fact I think it was a good thing. 

As soon as YT was over and my kids were in bed I deleted the blog and as much posted content as I could, and emailed a request to people to remove anything else. I changed my profile to one expressing a desire to do teshuva and burned whatever bridges I could with the 'frum porn' community. 

I deliberately did NOT delete the Gmail accounts right away. Instead, I set an auto-reply explaining my desire to do teshuva and saying that the accounts would be deleted shortly. Any material that had been shared on Google Drive I unshared. Also burning bridges - some people who emailed and got my autoreply were encouraging (actually most), some where so far gone that they tried to discourage me. Losers. 

I sent apologies to whoever I could think of that their pics had been shared. I know that most did not reach their target, but I tried. 

I changed the passwords to the Google accounts. I forget what I changed it to, but it was something that would force me to think (like "Hashemdoesn'twantthis"). I waited two weeks before I deleted the accounts. I realized that in the past when I deleted them while 'high' on regret, I later had remorse and recovered them. This time I just calmly deleted them one day. Not once have I tried to recover them since that, and they are now permanently beyond recovery (Gmail gives three weeks max - it's been 10 weeks). 

B"H this has now been surprisingly easy. Not one fall since then. I had one wet dream but that was after I ate a lot of garlic and was sleeping on my back. Also - in the past I'd have used that as an excuse to be moreh heter (must be I need to get something out). This time I just cleaned up at 3am, went back to sleep, moved on. I've not had even the slightest desire to do any of this stuff. What's strange is that even some of the girls or women whose pics I had but I didn't know them, I have seen them about since then. And when I've seen them I've been able to see them as what they are: a sincere beis yaakov girl trying to serve Hashem, a loving mommy with young kids, a divorced lady who needs rachmonus. That's another angle I've been working on with this: kovod habrios. 

I realize that a lot of the above won't be specifically helpful to you. But take it from me: if I can do it, then you can too!!!!

Re: how I did it... 27 Dec 2018 12:54 #338061

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GREAT!!!!! MUCH to learn from you

Re: how I did it... 27 Dec 2018 16:50 #338065

  • imeinanili
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I thought I'd add about the positives since taking these steps:
1. I am much closer to my children and my family. 
2. I am learning much more. Much much more.
3. I am more focused on things.
4. I no longer feel like a hypocrite when giving people hadrocha.
5. I have less anxiety. If my wife asks to borrow my phone I no longer have to stand right next to her to check she doesn't open photos - just in case I forgot to delete the videos I took. I can leave my computer open and not be paranoid. And also just generally I feel less anxious.
6. It's a cliche, but there is a real feeling of freedom.

Re: how I did it... 27 Dec 2018 18:55 #338067

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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מבירא עמיקתא לאיגרא רמא!

Amazing!!
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: how I did it... 28 Dec 2018 02:45 #338072

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You are an incredible inspiration! May Hashem help you reestablish yourself and while you do that, b'ezras Hashem you will shlep up with you many dear neshamos! What a story!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: how I did it... 31 Dec 2018 03:14 #338109

  • imeinanili
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I just remembered something else that helped me at the beginning. B"H I was past that pretty quickly and had forgotten:

I never decided that I wasn't going to act out. What I did decide was that if I wanted to act out then I had to do certain things first. Including learning a bit, saying Shema, making a nice treat or surprise for my kids, writing a surprise note for my wife, There were other things too - I forgot. For me it worked. Can't guarantee it for others, but at the beginning I was saved by that a few times.

Re: how I did it... 31 Dec 2018 13:05 #338112

  • Dave M
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What I did decide was that if I wanted to act out then I had to do certain things first. Including learning a bit, saying Shema, making a nice treat or surprise for my kids, writing a surprise note for my wife, There were other things too - I forgot. For me it worked. Can't guarantee it for others, but at the beginning I was saved by that a few times.

That's great.  I really like the suggestions of writing a surprise note to your wife.  I also find that when I invest in my shalom bayis, it's becomes easier to fight this nisayon.  Congrats on making 90 days!
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