hakolhevel, i hear. but then why do healthy non addicts want to get married so badly? 

lovealways wrote on 02 Jul 2017 03:06:

Those who want to "get married so badly" may not be healthy...( Or they can just be lonely)

Why do healthy non-addicts get married? I suppose you mean ones who don't look at porn?

To build a beautiful Jewish home based on respect and dignity, and they connect at the deepest level through intimacy.

How the natural desire plays a role in that, is discussed in different threads on the forum, but I think this is already beyond your question.

hakolhevel, even ones who dont look at porn, im honestly skeptical that most healthy frum guys NOWADAYS get married only because to build a beautiful Jewish home based on respect and dignity

I got to disagree,
I'm an addict and I don't want to get married for intimacy Rather to build a jewish home  based on respect and dignity.
I'm somewhat afraid of intimacy after marriage, since now I can somewhat control my addiction as for after marriage i'm scared it will get out of hand.
I have dated numerous amount of times and a couple of girls and the act of intimacy wasn't part of the equation.

lovealways wrote on 02 Jul 2017 03:37:

So why did you ask me if you already know the answer;) 

BUT what difference does it make what other people are doing? The only important person in this conversation is you and what you are doing.

Unless your trying to say the ideals that I stated are unattainable?

Michael94 wrote on 02 Jul 2017 03:53:

Intimacy is not sex, at least that's what I was trying to say. sex is self serving, intimacy is connection, and I suppose that's what you want in a marriage, connection?

 I will totally agree that intimacy is more difficult one one is used to masturbation a.k.a sex with self.

hakolhevel, i asked to get to the point. yes i think the ideals are not as attainable as it used to be. but i gotta agree that it doesnt make a difference what others are doing. so there no point really in discussing this. ur right

michael94, but i do think that there are healthy frum guys out there that dont have ONLY  to build a jewish home  based on respect and dignity in mind. `what u said about intimacy,  im in the same boat,im was never married yet and  im scared even after im totally sober cuz im scared itll get out of hand.

Hakolhevel I agree with you %100.00 I would want to throw out the sex, and rather to connect with her with all what life has to offer, and i don't mean to eat with her pizza and then go get a drink  in the local bar.... (Ah maybe that too)

hakolhevel, u really mean it when u say that intimacy is %0.00 sex?

There's much more to say but in a nutshell that waz Git gezookd!

For those out there who are worried what will happen to the sobriety/control after marriage, make sure to prepare for marriage with the chosson shmuessen from rabbi Simcha Feuerman. You will learn what intimacy is, what healthy/giving sex is, and what it is not. One thing is for sure. Intimacy has no comparison with the images and actions seen on pornographic websites. It is worlds apart. One can be intimate with a spouse and not even engage in actual intercourse. However, keep in mind, we are all human, and desire the "other" form of sex at times, and sometimes we may slip a little and to put it bluntly, use our wives as a masturbation toy. When and if that happens, have who to reach out to, to recalibrate your bedroom behavior.  One more thought. Any of you fellows who have been connected to the forums on GYE are receiving heavy doses of immunizations which will iyh enhance your marriages immensely.

interesting.. thats very different how i pictured it. but u must be right...

I very much relate to what Yiraishamayim wrote about looking for anything related to women's issues claiming the need to read to stay current. In truth, this would to more dirt. 

The true reason behind reading this stuff is that I feel empty and lonely and think that reading the material will fill avoid. It doesn't. It just creates more isolation and deepens the void.

I can't say this is at all easy, but I will say something that has been helpful for me. When I start thinking that some woman is pretty, I take a step back and think that this is someone else's wife, sister, daughter, or some wonderful person's mother. I realize that she has a special connection to someone else- a connection that is beautiful because it is private. If I truly value connections and relationships, I don't want to interfere with them. By respecting this privacy, even when this woman is immodestly dressed and doesn't fully appreciate her relationships, I deepen my realtionship with Hashem and my prospective spouse.

I am no Tzaddik and don't know if this helps, but I hope this at least offers some positive insight.

lovealways wrote on 03 Jul 2017 02:17:

Hashem help me, well said

Lovealways You dont have to take it on faith, you are already dating and you have obviously looked at place one shouldn't if your on this website, so maybe it's a good idea to listen to those shiurim by Rabbi feuerman. You can get them on this website.