Okay, so I've had a huge wave of temptation just wash over me. It's a slow day at work, and you know how it is, boredom can be dangerous.

Now, I memorise names, and the whole day I've been fixating on the name of one of the person's I frequently stumbled to. Just now, with a bathroom break I found myself starting to type her name into the search bar, knowing that my filter will only allow 'innocent' pictures through. But as I was typing I realised that I am playing with a huge fire that I cannot possibly hope to contain. I thank G-d that he gave me a moment of clarity as I was blinded by my urges. I proceeded to close my browser, and closed my eyes and decided to pray for this person, to see her as a living, breathing, precious creation, just as precious to G-d as I am, one who should be respected as a human being, not viewed as an object of pleasure. I prayed and asked G-d to help help her see the light and the truth of what she is busy with. 

And you know what? My urges dissolved like mist before the sun. 

Looks like I am going to reach day 7 after all.

David de Oude wrote on 26 May 2017 18:25:


First try GYE handbook and other readings you find on this very site.

Well, I took down one of my fences, namely installing Youtube, and allowing my phone to be at my bedside again. That gave rise to me seeing a trigger last night, and it's been haunting me the whole day. After work, I fell. 

I guess if you play with fire you get burnt. But I've deleted Youtube now for good, and I guess the cellphone stays on my desk now at night. At least that will help get up in the morning to shut the alarm off.

Now, this is probably the longest I have ever gone without porn AND masturbation since I've discovered it. I've basically made it to 7 days. This is encouraging to say the least. 

So I've had some time to calm down, and to get my thoughts straight. 

I WANT to stop this. I am going to beat it. But I realise that I have to be realistic. I AM an addict, and I AM susceptible to triggers. What I have to implement is a true mindset shift. 

What I mean by that is I have to be constantly vigilant of dangerous areas, even before triggers come. I have to be aware of where they are. 

So here's my plan:
I am going to step up my daily prayertime. It's an appointment now, no excuses, set at 05:00 every day. This will serve to bring me closer to G-d, and also get me into the mindset that I am going into the fray once more, that I have to be on my guard. 

Secondly, my phone has been cleaned of any and all social apps except GYE. iPhone restrictions are in place. It sleeps on my desk as a rule from now on, no exceptions. I have many other things to keep me busy than Youtube and Facebook. 

Thirdly, I always say to replace your prayer life with a life of prayer. In addition to my prayertime in the morning I aim to be constantly in conversation with G-d throughout the day.

Right, so, my little slip yesterday turned out to be more than that. While I haven't wallowed in smut as I used to, I did again succumb to temptation this afternoon. I like to think of it as the dying convulsions of an evil monster. Something about "You might as well put it off until the first and have a perfect 90 days" in my head caused the temptation.



I have resolved to be brutally honest this time around, so with every fall I am going to post, even if I post 5 times a day. The first step to recovery is HONESTY. It won't help if I keep carrying on pretending to be on the chart.



Still, I managed to reach 7 days before this setback, I just need to regain focus, get up, brush off the dust, and carry on. I know I can beat this, and I will. Tomorrow shall be day 1 again, after which I will post again at least weekly, but also with every milestone on the chart. I'll therefore see you again tomorrow evening.

Good attitude! Honesty is key to growth. Don't let it drag you down. Remember your best teacher is your most recent mistake. What did you learn from this fall? What actions do you plan to take to prevent the next one?

Good luck! Keep us posted! 

TzedekChaim wrote on 30 May 2017 19:58:

Thank you for the support!

I learnt that fences are there for a reason. Yes, I have the power to pull them down and set them up. But now that I have committed heart and soul to beat this thing my enemy lies in wait just outside the fence. He pounces at the slightest hint of a fence going down.

How will I aim to prevent a fall again? Keep the fences up. It proved useful for the first 7 days, and then I pulled a fence down for an innocent reason(installed Youtube again), and then I saw a trigger in a seemingly harmless video, which led to a fall two days later. So, keep the fences up at all cost.

I've reached 24 hours again. 

Thank G-d my recent fall didn't turn out to be a full blown relapse! Luckily my work keeps me very busy, and at home I ensure that all fences stay in place, no matter what. 

The weekend is coming up, but again I have so much work to keep me busy. 

Today is Day 2. For today I shall remain clean, I am not interested in what happened in the past or in what the future holds. Today is only a few hours! May G-d protect me from my own wickedness and help me keep my eye on the goal, and may He be with my fellow GYE members today, and keep them safe.

Received sad news today. My first love, a classmate in my first year of university, died in the past week. Tomorrow is her funeral. She was 25. Died of a blood clot in her brother's arms, they were simply having fun on a Friday night, when she just collapsed and died in his arms.

We haven't spoken in 4 years, but she was a blessing sent by G-d, to keep me company in those formative years, and even though we broke up she always did have a special place in my heart... May she rest in peace. She was one of the few who knew of my addiction, and supported me in trying to get rid of it. My addiction was not the reason for the break up... 

I pray that I still retain control of my senses and keep the fences up as I try to work through my emotions. Pray for me, my friends

Man, the I feel like I am chipping away at a mountain with a pickaxe. 

I reached three days, and for the first time in weeks I have a bit of time to sleep in on the Saturday, and what do I do? Fall. However, now I have another thing on the list of things not to do. 

So what caused this one? Not sticking to my routine. As soos as I wake up enough to start having cravings I should get up and start my day. Lesson learned. The good news is, I am practically at the beginning of another week, so it will be easier to reach 7 days again, and 14 after that, as I will be stone cold sober by the time the cravings hit again. When that happens I'm smack in the middle of a work week, too busy to care about falling.

What also encourages me is the degree to which my falls have changed. Normally I would have taken my time, acting like a connoiseur. Now, even as I start stumbling a part of me actively fights the fall, and it ends up being more of an argument with myself. What I'm saying is, it's as if I am experiencing the death throes of my enemy, he is losing power, and perhaps this time he will no longer be able to break through my fences. "The more you feed it, the hungrier it gets." I am feeding it less and less, soon, maybe this time, I will feed it no longer.

Today is day 1. For today I shall remain on top of my soul. I am not interested in what happened in the past, or what awaits me in the future. Today I shall remain clean. G-d please guide me and protect me as I go through today, that I may remain safe in your protection.

As I won't have the time tomorrow, I thought I'd pop in and do my milestone post now. I have effectively reached 3 days, just have to update the chart tomorrow first thing as I wake up.

Day 3. I've been working 13 hours a day since Monday, pushing to meet deadlines. It's just what I needed actually, to help me get sober. Tomorrow and Friday's the same story. Day 7 seems so attainable.

BUT! I have to remain rational here. Take it one day at a time. One step at a time. I enjoy peace and serenity so much these days, knowing that, yes my enemy is waiting to pounce, but I am no longer in command of this ship. G-d is the captain of my soul and master of my fate. I follow His orders. 

I actually enjoy averting my eyes, honouring the dignity of women instead of objectifying them! G-d has knighted me, I bear His coat of arms on the field, and my conduct should be as He expects it of me. A noble cause, a worthy cause. Thrice armed is he who hath his quarrel just. 

Therefore, onwards, one day at a time, in service of the Almighty!