keep it up!

Day 45 of being clean and sober.  I feel good and strong today.  I must say yesterday was a tough one for me but I got through it.  Moving on, I was able to clarify some of the thoughts in my head by my brush with G-d yesterday.  I answered some questions.  Am I really an addict?  Yes.  Am on on the long road to recovery?  Yes.  Have I been thinking to much about what to do?  YES!!!  Do I need to keep it simple?  YES!!!  Was I going to fast?  YES!!!  Do i need to slow down even more then I was going?  YES YES YES!!! 

I have been thinking about everything in my life and past so deeply, I forgot that the best thing to do is to KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID!!!  I have been over thinking everything.  It had been bothering me how much I had been "thinking".  It was like a ten dy period where I went to deep to fast.  G-d flicked me in the head and said, SLOW DOWN and STOP THINKING SO MUCH!!!  I feel better today because of that.  Instead of looking at life through my brain and how it has to change, I lived the change today.  Living the change is better then thinking about the changes you have made.  Be a better person, husband and father.  Live with G-d and trust G-d to get you through. 
No slips of falls, non needed or wanted.  I love my wife more and more each day.  She had a rough personal day today but we made it through thanks to G-d.
I WILL WIN THE BATTLES AND THE WAR- WITH G-D'S HELP!! 

Keep on living life. We move forward, we live, we grow.

Repeat if desired.

Day 45!!!!


U R 1/2 Way there!!!!

YOu rock!!

KOT!!!

Keep it simple and keep on going.

You're doing great!

  --Eye.

Day 46 of being clean and sober.  I did my morning routine and everything seems OK today.  Very late last night, I was discussing my addiction and almost fall with my wife.  After talking to her I realize that I have not even completed step 1.  It hurts to admit that but I have not.  I am not powerless but only empowered not to do it.  I don’t want to go backwards. I had an incident that was very eye opening and when we discussed it we talked about where was I really in my recovery.  I had thought I was further along and that’s OK that I am not.  I understand I am not even done with Step 1.  Yes, I have changed my attitude, changed the way I live and have given almost everything to G-d, but not all of it or all of me.  I have been to stubborn to do so.  The conversation was very hard to hear.  However, it was another wonderful thing that has happened to me.  My wife understand me better then I understand myself.  I have not given up full and total control.  I am not sure how to give it up, but I know after talking to her I must.  I am riding a slippery slope if I don’t.

I know the part of step 1, to say my life was unmanageable, is surely admitted and have worked on a lot.  I have not worked on powerless enough.  I must take me out of the equitation to be fully powerless.

I am much closer to G-d, but I have not taken all of me and said, here you go.  I have spent every second I have been alone today thinking about this.  I know this has to be an internal move of heart, mind and soul to give it up.  I know I am trying to and eventually will.  I am disappointed in myself because I thought I had.  I do not want to fall or slip and I know I need to do more to not have any potential to go down a road I do not want to go.  I guess you can say, it is like going down a road with heavy construction,.  If you don’t follow the signs eventually a wreck will happen.

I am truly upset and disappointed.  G-d has put me on this part of a road for a reason.  I am scared of myself.  I am thankful I am where I am, but with baby steps I need to get further then I am now.  I have been put in my place.  Sometimes thinking you are confident is a very bad thing.  I ride a road that is not new to the world, but is new to me.  Selflessness is something I need to achieve on this road.  Powerless I am not yet.  The road is paved with many who have gone before me and many that go up the road only to crash. 
G-d must help me not be one that crashes.  I am closer to him, but obviously not close enough.  I  must remind myself that to get down on oneself is not good either.  I must dust off this vessel and continue onward and moving towards the right turns and right forks.  I must stop beating myself up for not being where I thought I was and move forward. 

I must work the steps, work at being a better person, work on G-d and my relationship, work on my marriage and work most importantly slowly.  I know I will not be powerless in 5 minutes just because I want to be powerless.  I must go further then ever before to become powerless.  Now I know that, before I did not and I for one am so happy that this has changed for me. 

To myself, I accept the challenge of step one.  Don’t be too hard on myself,.  If I don’t, the road I will go is dangerous and hurtful.  It’s all in my body to become powerless so I need to find it.
 
G-d give me the power to be powerless. 

A renewed internal journey begins.  I thank my wife for opening these eyes and truly finding the understanding to help me.  G-d you are great and thank you for your unconditional love and patience.  In my mind I know I can do this, powerless here I come.  I don’t know how long it will take me but I know I can do it.  I must continue to love, laugh and live.  I AM AN ADDICT BUT I AM WORKING ON MY RECOVERY!  No slips or falls, non needed or wanted.

I WILL WIN THE BATTLES AND THE WAR-WITH G-D’S HELP!!!

Powerful sci. And thanks for posting. Thers so much for me to gain from it. Im gonna read it again when i have a chance. And that means something because i usually never read long posts! :D :D :D :D :D :D

sci1977 wrote on 04 Jan 2010 03:41:
Unbelievable. Guard thats gotta be quote of the day. Truer words have not been spoken.

IT25, glad you read the long post.  (I know it's a long one for me.  Thanks for your kind words on the quote. 

46 days - You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. We are powerless is step 1...It's scary to let go.

Step 1 is harder then I thought it would be.

Did any of the phone groups work for you?

I have never done a phone meeting.

sci1977 wrote on 04 Jan 2010 19:26:


Just wait 'til step 3!!!    :o

KUTGW.

  Eye.
 

Day 47 of being clean and sober.  I am having a great day!!!  Made a deal of sorts with myself to keep it simple.  I am working on just living and enjoying what I do when I am living.  I have decided that going slow, all will come in due time.  I am humbled today and now know I have to take this extremely slow.  I feel stronger today.  G-d is with me and I am with him.  My goals are to be in recovery a long time.  No need to rush.  I am living in short time frames and not letting myself get to far ahead.  My attitude towards this has not wavered one bit.  I just have to do this in G-ds time not mine.  I have to be resolved to the fact living WITH G-d is better then living with only the thoughts in my head.  I spoke to G-d this morning as always and at the end, today I said let me find a pace that is right for me.

I am absolutely taken my live in a new direction on the right road.  I knew the past few days I was teetering between confusing and bad choices or sanity and making the right choice.  I know I am making the right choice.  I know this will lead me closer to G-d and it will stop me from doing stupid things.  In my head, I feel like I did when I joined GUE.  I have a renewed sense of  powering myself.  I need to simplify and take little slivers of time to get to where I want to be.  As I slow my head down my one goal is to focus on enjoying life.  It’s all around me.  Life is about loving the ones you should love and trying to be with people you enjoy. 

My wife and I are still working on us.  Things on that front are very good.  She is doing everything she can to help me.  She has a hard time finding outlets for herself but always is digging and finding and trying something.  She amazes me more and more each day and I can honestly say without her I do not know if I would be clean and sober. 

The road of my recover is becoming one that is teaching me more then I ever could know about myself.  I can’t remember where I heard this line but it is echoing in my ears about this journey.  “A man can be a true champion, not because of what he accomplishes, but how he achieves it.”  Internal moral sanity is where I am hopefully headed.  Very small baby step and very tiny moments at a time.

I always like to remember each day those who help me.  Thank you to the GUE community, my wife and most important thanks to G-d.  No slips or falls, non needed or wanted.

I WILL WIN THE BATTLES AND THE WAR- WITH G-DS HELP.