Imho= in my humble opinion 

Good luck with your foot (and the rest)

Day 6: Feeling much better today B"H. When I had the flu last year it was much worse. I watched the video in "markz's" signature (saw it referenced to in someone's thread). It claims that that the way to truly combat addiction is through connection to others. I found the data from Vietnam especially fascinating. 

It rang true with me, so I started trying to connect a bit more. Initiating conversations, making humourous comments and generally being friendlier. I can't say I fully get why it works, why talking about the weather with someone makes one healthier, but hey, who cares? If it works it works. 

Something I've been struggling with is feeling like a second class citizen or not feeling worthy. Feeling that don't have a right to be liked, to be the subject of someone's smile. When I'm 3 or 4 weeks away from the last fall I can usually "forget" and pretend that part of me doesn't exist. However, with a fall in very recent history it's hard to forget. It seems that at least for me, self respect comes with a price.

Everyone has chisronos. No one is perfect. 
It may be helpful to identify your specific chisronos that you are bothered by to be able to start the process of acceptance. (After you accept the fact that you have those chisronos, you can start to work slowly on changing then.)
But don't forget, for every bad trait you identify, list a maalah that you have. Everyone has maalohs as well. You can't focus on one without the other. 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 16 Feb 2017 18:07:

Cycling?

Ihavenostrength wrote on 17 Feb 2017 02:27:

Boy do i know this feeling - but now i can actually say knew this feeling. Thanks to GYE, and the connection it brings, i am at peace with myself. I always was jealous of those guys who appeared to be happy go lucky. Yesterday i told my wife i think i am one of those guys. I hope you start feeling that way. It is a state of mind i never knew existed.

Day 7: Today was a much better day than Friday of last week. For that I'm grateful. 

Really enjoying marking off days on my personalized chart. Even though 7 days is a joke, even for me, the guy who's been struggling with this for 10 years, it's still satisfying to see I've reached level 3 today. I suspect it may have something to do with the nice green color (each date where you reach a level is colored green on the calendar).

I'm currently relating very much to the quote by Franklin D. Roosevelt, "there's nothing to fear but fear itself".

In my first post I wrote about why I believed this struggle was more painful than suffering that comes from without.

However, it's undeniable that this suffering has an advantage. It's within our control to do something about it. 

Good shabbos! 
Shabbat Shalom! 

P.S Thank you to everyone who took the time to share some of their wisdom and words of encouragement with me.

Day 8: Listened to a recording of Dov's call from Thursday. He spoke about the dangers our ego creates for us. He said that most people feel bad about "acting out" not because of low self esteem but rather as a result of arrogance.

In their minds they have a fantasy of who they "really are," what they can achieve etc. and reality doesn't match up. They realize they may never become a millionaire or a big talmid chacham. This makes them feel like a failure, so they "act out."

Then after they are upset because they don't feel it's "them" (their illusion of who they are). Except if you didn't live in a fantasy you would realize it is you. Time to work I guess. 

Could be I totally twisted it, so apologies in advance. 

I also listened to a good chunk of the call on "how do I know if I'm an addict" (I believe it's #4). 

All of it makes me scared I'm not doing enough. It's crazy that I haven't gone 3 months without "doing it" in 10 years.

Gut voch!
Shavuah Tov!

Ihavenostrength wrote on 19 Feb 2017 03:46:

The number 8 is quite significant. Every physical object has 6 sides - top, bottom, right, left, front, back. The number 7 is the completion of all physical things - thus Shabbos, or the 7 days of yom tov. However 8 has no connection to the physical realm - bris mila is on the 8th day. You have BH broken out of the orbit of the physical - iyh you will continue with much s'yata d'shmaya!

L'maalah min hateva baby! 

o.k. I read your whole thread twice. I don't know why. I usually don't do that.
But it was interesting. Welcome. What name do you want us to call you?
I was thinking IH, but it's your decision.
We have some real similarities. I also haven't gotten past 36 days in a long time,
and am trying to post every day.
With HaShem's help, we will all break free. 
Yosef

p.s. you may want to update your chart (top left, hit "Tools"  and then 90 day chart)
since it says 6 days and you wrote that you are 8 days clean.

Thanks, IH is cool. Regarding the chart, just lazy I guess

Day 9: My eyes hurt. It makes it hard to do anything. Think it might be because my glasses are scratched. I must take care of this soon.

Does guarding your glasses count for anything? 

BTW here's your daily tip from Mr. Obvious.

Mr. Obvious: If you change tabs while writing a post on your cell-phone, your page may reload and you will lose what you wrote. 


I don't have a daily schedule. When I make one, I can't stick to it for long. This makes it hard to get things done. 


Here's why I fall after a month, then start again and fall after another month. 

I don't feel good. So I say hmm, let me try some of "this" to see if it might make me feel better. It doesn't, it makes me feel worse. So I swear off of it. I start looking for something else that will make my world shine and bring vibrant color to life. 

I search for a whole month. I can't find anything. So ever the optimist, I say hmmm, maybe I should try some of the stuff I used a month ago. Perhaps it will work this time? 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 20 Feb 2017 03:53:

Good honesty. Hashem gives us the power to forget. It's a Chesed. Or else we'd eat ourselves up. But you gotta use it for the good.

For example, I have a skill to forget my wife exists. So when do I exercise the skill? When I'm searching youtube for asian porn? Perhaps I should work on forgetting she exists in the middle of the night when the baby can't stop screaming.
Then it's all up to me

Day 10: I'm pretty lazy. So I find it hard to do what I need to do. Like learn what I need to, so I'll pass my tests. Then I feel bad about being lazy.

So I decided that I'd start small. I'd just learn for 40 minutes. Which is sort of ridiculous because I'm supposed be learning for much, much longer. But hey, it's better than nothing, ain't it? 

Do you know you can't think yourself out of a problem? Do you know you won't ever hear the perfect thing which will motivate you? Something that'll make you love what you hate, cause you to want to do what you must. 

Some say you can act your way out of problem. I don't believe that works much either. At least if it's only on a behavioral level. If you force yourself to do something, it will become uncomfortable, so at some point you'll probably give up. Unless you've got a healthy amount of grit of course. 

What does work is taking positive actions that subtly and on a subconscious level change your life. Like exercise perhaps or a gratitude journal.  

If this sounds like hogwash, then perhaps it is. For you. It's quite true for me however. 

By the grace of G-d I've made a small discovery in the past week or so. Here it is: I'm scared, so scared. Scared of falling. Afraid of the dark side of me. 

When I get an urge, I start freaking. Oh my G-d I think, if it gets strong enough I'll have to give in! 

This is total garbage of course. I'm starting to see the fallacy of it every day. Triggers are "overpressed" in my opinion. That is to say, overestimated. If you have two things I think you'll be fine regardless of the triggers you may face. Not that I suggest looking for them. 

1. To firmly believe that lusting is completely negative. It has nothing to offer that will enhance your life. This belief is reached through experience. So even when triggered, you feel as if you are being offered poison. 

2. To firmly believe that even if triggered you can choose. We've come to believe that we have no choice. It's like the enemy making noise and the other army surrendering because they're afraid. SCARED! We are so scared of ourselves. It's like the elephant in the circus who's tied to a pole with a thin string from a young age, so even when he's older he thinks he can't break free. 

You don't fall by accident. It will only happen if you do something. Touch or type something you shouldn't. 

I apologize for using the terms "you" and "we" quite freely. I mean only myself. I make no claims to the veracity of what I say beyond that it's true for me. Or perhaps not even, and I'm deluded even about myself. 

Have a great day!

Brilliantly written. It took mea while to realize that #2 is so true. I used to be a slave to the big fat lie that i HAD to do it.   Keep up the great work!