Day 56: Just feeling grateful today that I've gotten this far. Hope this doesn't sound dramatic, but my life is changing. Subtly, but changing. From two things, sobriety and new cognitive skills. Sobriety helps my mind heal. New cognitive skills enable my sobriety, and make my life better generally. I'm not saying I don't have cravings or that everything is perfect. Just saying that thank G-d I've seen some improvement. 

Day 57: I can see the forum is getting quiet as Pesach is approaching. I had a thought yesterday that I can beat this, I'm amazing. Then I realized the madness of that thought. How many times have I failed?

I win by recognizing that I stand no chance against lust and not allowing it, even in the smallest amount, into my life. I can't face it off in the ring, or control it in any way. 

Good insight. But what do you do when you see something lustful that wasn't planned? Say a billboard or something else.

You don't give it space in your mind.

To elaborate a bit. You saw it, nu nu. It happens.

It happened, it's in the past. It only exists in your thoughts now. 

Shlomo24 wrote on 09 Apr 2017 02:52:

Things trigger me and I get urges. I can't control that. What I can control is actively fantasizing or lusting after people or pictures. 

I think sometimes people approach avoiding triggers/shmiras einayim solely as a way not to become uncomfortable. Nothing wrong with that, but it may send a message to themselves that if I do see something, I'm allowed/expected to lust after it.

The lusting is what makes my life unmanageable, not the uncomfortability that comes from seeing a billboard. 

Amazing. This is where I see my difference as an addict. Once I take something in I can't stop. I can't just say "I'm not going to look and I'll just be a little uncomfortable." But for you that obviously works and that's great.

Day 58:  @shlomo24 It only works if I didn't take it in intentionally. For if I looked or exposed myself to inappropriate things intentionally, my mind doesn't believe that I don't really want it when I try pushing those thoughts away. If you don't want to lust why did you allow yourself to be exposed to these things which naturally arouse lust? 

I wasn't saying it's uncomfortable not to look. I was saying it's uncomfortable once you saw the billboard (unintentionally) to be aroused and surf that urge and not act on it. 

You really can't stop once you see something? Why don't you lose your sobriety everytime you see a billboard? 

Lastly, a confession. Today I went to a place where I knew I would possibly be exposed to untznius things. I didn't go there for that... So I wasn't looking around and I didn't see much. But I saw a little, without really looking for it. That seeing was different than the billboard. I wasn't totally innocent there. So it was a bit harder to tell myself I don't want to lust. It was stupid of me to go. Especially this early in "recovery​", when I'm super sensitive to triggers. It's actually ridiculous how sensitive. 

Why did you go there then, my mind replies.

B"H I pushed it out of mind. Not by saying I won't think about it (reference quote by mark twain regarding futility of actively trying not to think about something). But just by not thinking about it and moving on in life. Reminding myself sex is not the end all in life. 

Peace

I stay sober because I surrender it to my Higher Power. Otherwise I would lose my sobriety every time.

As far as the billboard issue, if one inadvertently sees one and then averts his eyes because that's what Hashem wants, the schar in shomayim is extraordinary, but maybe more important, the great feeling that I can control myself is so satisfying.

Day 59: Nothing to say. Trying to remember that putting myself down is probably coming from a place of arrogance rather than humility. Let's destroy the chametz, people. Gotta talk less. I guess I'm seeking approval a little. Ironically I'm not going to get it by talking. 

Happy and kosher pesach to all! 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 10 Apr 2017 16:00:

II think that sayin' that puttin' yourself down is comin' from arrogance and not humility is itself arrogant, but rather, you should humbly put yourself down for your arrogance.

B'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote on 10 Apr 2017 16:40:

Cordnoy: I have something to confess.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! 

cordnoy wrote on 10 Apr 2017 16:40:

How do you humbly put yourself down for your arrogance? 

P.S I honestly don't have something to write about everyday and my posts will sometimes reflect that. The only reason I write is because I made a commitment to do so for 90 days come what may (excluding yom tov).