@singularity I met my cousin today at a simcha. He asked me how it's going in yeshiva. I told him ehhhh. He asked why. So I smiled and said, "because I have no chavrusa or friends there and I'm lonely." 

Day 34: B"H I'm home for one day and I feel like a new person. I haven't thought much about myself since I got here. I don't mean to say that I've been helping people. I just haven't thought about how I'm doing. If I'm happy or sad or anything like that. I also haven't thought about what I need to do. I haven't thought about what I want to do. All I've been doing is making a point to spend time around people. 

I've just been living. Not strategizing. 

Except now I need to figure out when/if I'm going to go back to yeshiva before pesach. Whether I'm going to take the test. I don't want to think about it. I'm so much happier here. I've been so much more myself since I got home. Friendlier, much lighter. Thinking about this stresses me out. It's a much nicer environment here​. 

Day 35: I was at the beach today. I sat on a chair and read a book. It wasn't full I had my own space. I didn't look for anything, but might have seen a bit, didn't take second look.

I had a thought to look up to see who's passing. I didn't. But thinking about it was a bit triggering. What might I be able to see, what am I missing out on. Then I had two thoughts: 1. what could I possibly gain? 2. It's ok, relax just read. 

Regarding number 2. If you freak out and say there's something wrong with me for having these feelings... Well, firstly there probably isn't, you're a man. Second, I just don't take myself so seriously anymore. I'm not an angel. If I think something... nu nu. All I can do is not pursue an inapropriate line of thought willingly and direct my attention to something else. The task at hand (reading or whatever). 

Sometimes I think that people struggling with acting out imagine that "regular people" don't get aroused by things. Having these thoughts makes one deficient, thereby giving license to behave differently (by acting out or whatever). 

Good Shabbos

Peace

Really great! I agree. I found that I take myself way too seriously, and it leads to not the greatest places. Its much easier when I don't. 

Hatzlacha!!

Day 36: B"H nice shabbos. Small things make a difference. Glasses​ slipping=headache=increased difficulty in completing tasks. Elastic bands on back of arms=no slipping=no headache=ability to function. Don't understimate the small things. A smile, one day clean, whatever. 

Gut voch! 

Peace

Day 37: Scary to read about how people fall after long stretches of sobriety. I don't want this to be a recurring theme in my life. I want to end this parsha.

Remembering that "falling" is probably not the perfect analogy helps me to not be afraid. We've all brought ourselves to a state of mind where saying no is impossible. But you brought yourself there. 

It's like walking to a frozen lake and then saying you slipped. Well you did, but you're also an idiot. 

Oh, and chancing upon something inappropriate isn't going to bring you to the lake, unless you run with it. 

Talking to myself folks

Peace

As long as your beach adventure wasn't to the main beach! Did you find a good cove? Or stretch of lonely sand? Maybe there are halachic implications too. But I've been there.

Keep on going, brother. 

It's very empty. Plenty of stretches of lonely sand. To walk there though... Although I realized after that you can enter further down the beach. In fact when I left I made use of those exits thereby bypassing seeing the other beach-goers. 

Day 38: Watching a movie on the plane. It was rated PG. Apparently back in the day they rated things differently (more leniently). I say I think because once I got a sense that it might get inappropriate I skipped till after the scene.

So B"H didn't really see anything. It was tempting to watch but I told myself hey, I know what a naked woman looks like already, it's unessecary. To be honest I'm not even sure how inappropriate it was. But even if it wasn't too bad, it still won't to me any good. 

I also thought it's hard not to look, then I thought, it's harder still to look. 

Plus, I'm a smart guy I can follow the plot even with skipping around a bit  

I'm so insecure sometimes, others I'm gregarious and confident. Who am I? 

Peace

You are who you make yourself to be 

I am awaiting your answer

Does that novel approach work by steak, sushi, your favorite sports team, geshmake nap, etc. "Hey I know what succulent prime rib tastes like, to Hell with it!"

@mayan You didn't ask a question, you made a statement! But I suppose you mean a response

If you can be anyone it's even more confusing. So much to choose from! On a more serious note I get you. The tone of voice we use, the way we act, it's all a decision. If we want to be friendly, talk to people, BE friendly. Obviously for some it will come more naturally then others, but everyone can work on it. It's like that quote from Aristotle "we are what we repeatedly do, excellence then is not an act, but a habit. 

@cordnoy Good point. No I don't think it would. It's more like if there is someone who wants to kill you in Italy and you like Italy. So you're sad that you can't go anymore. But you're not as appalled as you would have been, because you've been to Italy loads of times. There isn't anything you haven't seen there. If you made enemies with a serial killer after your first trip of two days (after you fell in love with the country) it would have been a much tougher pill to swallow. 

Also, I will say that if eating steak brought me to the greatest depths of despair and sadness, then yes, I do believe this approach might work and I would then employ this logic. 

Additionaly, often things lose their allure with time. It's why your new gadget isn't so exciting the week after you purchased it. It's also perhaps why people need "new porn" to get excited after a while. 

So yes, I do think that if you truly believed steak was horrible for you, threatening your very core, this might work. 

Peace

Sounds to me like two different arguments.

@cordnoy Oops, maybe they are  

Day 39: Getting a bit better at not chasing perfection. Not worrying that my practice, learning, exercise or whatever wasn't perfect. Nothing in life is perfect. I'm satisfied that I'm making an effort and trying to be productive. 

I don't want to act out ever again. It's so disheartening to read about how people have very long stretches of sobriety and then fall.

Logically, people say it's not so bad, it's like a business doing well, and then having one bad day.

It's just that for me, when I act out it feels like I've lost my entire savings. Perhaps it's just a feeling and it's not reflective of the truth... However, in no other area do I feel like one bad day brings me down so much and messes up past gains.

There's definitely something especially horrible about this behavior. 

Congratulations on where you are up to. Amazing to watch your progress. Great that you are not being hard on yourself about the exercise, learning, etc. Sometimes we take our addictive tendencies and become obsessed with recovery. Super that you have not fallen into this trap.

I hope you realize that it's the yetzer hora that makes one feels "they lost their entire savings". We need to focus on all those days, all those minutes, that we were omeid b'nisayon and remain proud of that accomplishment come what may. We have to internalize that we remained clean for a long stretch and we can do it again if necessary. A psychologist here in Brooklyn told me that m**** makes people feel dirty (besides the physical getting dirty) and that's why we get down so much from it. But we cannot allow "one bad day to bring us down so much and mess up past gains".

You are BH doing great and b'ezras Hashem will continue doing so. You have a strong support team here and Hashem is celebrating with you every minute.

Thank you, you give me life.