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Bb0212's road...
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Bb0212's road... 59093 Views

Re: Bb0212's road... 05 Jan 2018 20:00 #324812

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Thanks for sharing. Praying for you to have the willingness to engage in life. 
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: Bb0212's road... 07 Jan 2018 04:17 #324843

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bb0212 wrote on 05 Jan 2018 18:47:

youcan wrote on 05 Jan 2018 15:42:
First stop acting out, don't think in whether you got up already or not & if you fall again... get up again. By giving up on the situation you don't make things better.
I didn't find yet my way out of a fall, I'm only doing the above & it helps sometimes.

Pretty sure my problem isn't that I need to get up. My problem is why I fell.  What I need isn't to stay clean, I need to start living again in order to start staying clean.

I understand what you say, I'm actually in the same situation & I need רחמי שׁמים. But in the mean time please don't give up on the fight. Every time you don't act out you are doing a big thing. For me it's not the same all the time, sometimes it's easier & sometimes it's harder. I don't want to give in when I'm stronger just because I will fall later.

Re: Bb0212's road... 07 Jan 2018 10:08 #324864

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Well, one things gotta give. Although I didn't want to type this out, avoiding it won't make it go away and it's something that needs to be dealt with asap. Finally, I was told to start looking for another job. I have one more week if work at where I currently am. This has gotta be a good thing so here's to my next job. Lchaim! All I need now is to update my resume and buy a car. And decide to start living again/ staying clean again...
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 07 Jan 2018 18:54 #324890

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While it is true we need to start living again, as Rabbi Twerski's book says seek sobriety find serenity, not the other way around. You will need to find a formula that works for you (with help of other real people) to get the bottom line - sobriety. Living life will follow along with time and hard work.

What I discovered after being clean for a short while, was that I did want to live life, but I also really wanted porn. That creates a problem because they don't go together. 

Hatzlacha

Re: Bb0212's road... 26 Jan 2018 14:14 #326026

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bb0212 wrote on 27 Dec 2017 08:56:
Hi there! 
my post might be a bit strange considering the hour.
currently stuck on the road. Last night at 10:30 (5+ hours ago) , An 18 wheeler merged into my car when I was driving 60mph and drove off leaving me to deal with the mess.  My car was towed off the highway and I emptied my wallet to give the guy the $150 for the short drive.  I'm still 25 miles from home and can't get home because the only available towing company is the same guy that towed me to where i am,  and he only takes cash,  of which I have none. Nothing in the bank either,  because whatever is in there, isn't enough  to cover the tuition payment that will overdraft tomorrow (today). So a little tired, actually exhausted. But 1positive thing:  I'll be clean tonight - I'm not fooling around with porn in middle of the street.  

So I thought of a lesson that I can learn from this.  The truck driver saw the damage on my car and then took off.  He couldn't afford to have an accident on his record,  he might lose his job that way. 
When I'm trucking,  there may be occasions that I crash. For the past few weeks I've been crashing.  I need to look at this crash and book!  I CAN'T HAVE THIS FALL ON MY RECORD!  I can't sit around and wait for the authorities (self negativity,  Yetzer Hara, whoever) mark this down on my record.  All I should do is leave the scene!  Get out!
Tonight is Shabbos.  BH, Shabbos is always easier for me.  Bli Neder, I'm  comitting to stay clean from now through next Shabbos.  To help with that,  I will take on a taphsic which I haven't kept since my last streak.

Taphsic (this applies only as long as I remember the taphsic)
Before consciously looking at a sexually desired object (let's call it what it is, when I look at a person just for her looks, I'm looking at her as an object), I need to talk to a specific guy (over the phone or voicemail if he doesn't answer,) or, if I can't get through to him,  say 1 perek tehillim & text him to check in. 
If I consciously look without calling or texting first, I will need to give $5 to tzedaka. 

If I am already looking subconsciously,  as soon as I realize what I'm doing I have three seconds to stop.  

Shabbos/yomtov instead of calling/texting say 1 perek tehillim &  ask Hashem to help & to let the individual that I'd otherwise call (if it was a weekday) know for me.

Even though I only specified looking,  this applies to everything regarding shmiras habris/shmiras einayim.

Also want to thank everybody that's part of my support team without getting specific.  You know who you are and if you're not sure,  then you are.  This post (and commitment)  wouldn't have happened if not for you guys. Btw, included in my support team are folks over here that post on their threads and perhaps never contacted me directly,  but I've been inspired by so many of you.  Thank you Hashem for this moment in my life! 
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 26 Jan 2018 17:33 #326029

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Way to go buddy!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Bb0212's road... 28 Jan 2018 21:48 #326080

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Hi BB,
How was Shabbos? Did you find a new job already? I hope everything is OK.
Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 30 Jan 2018 05:09 #326135

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lionking wrote on 28 Jan 2018 21:48:
Hi BB,
How was Shabbos? Did you find a new job already? I hope everything is OK.
Hatzlocha Rabba!

  • Hi,  thanks for asking! Shabbos was great,  so far I'm still clean since my previous  post. Re the job,  I'm waiting for confirmation that I have a new job iyH
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 02 Feb 2018 08:12 #326347

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Hey,  bH I'm still clean.  BH I got the job & will be starting beH on Monday. 
(:
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 02 Feb 2018 08:51 #326348

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bb0212 wrote on 02 Feb 2018 08:12:
Hey,  bH I'm still clean.  BH I got the job & will be starting beH on Monday. 
(:

Mazeltov! Hashem's got your back! (even if you don't have his )
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Bb0212's road... 02 Feb 2018 12:30 #326350

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mazal tov hatzlocho on the new job

like a bridge over troubled waters


my stuff

Re: Bb0212's road... 12 Feb 2018 06:08 #326858

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Hey,  bH my job is going well. 

A few minutes ago,  I  had a 1/2 fall.  No masturbation, but some forbidden searches & a bit of touching. This went on for a few minutes.  Remembered my taphsic and stopped.
Initially,  once I looked,  the thought process was "I already looked,  so now I fell.  Once I already fell,  what's a few more minutes?"

Being that I stopped as soon as I remembered the taphsic, I'm keeping the count. Thank you Hashem for giving me the strength to stop! 
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 12 Feb 2018 12:25 #326866

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Super!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Bb0212's road... 20 Mar 2018 01:43 #328596

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Been falling multiple times all week... Dunno if I really care...
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 20 Mar 2018 03:27 #328602

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Your post sounds like you really do care.
It sounded more like an SOS call than like a parade tooting their horns.

You were there for me in the past, and I really appreciate it. Would you like to chat? My email has changed. You can pm for details.

I fell twice last week. However I just looked at the 90 day dairy and noticed that since when I started to properly keep track on Apr. 23 this past year, I've had 302 cumulative clean days. I'm not trying to toot my horn. It was people like you and others who have been very helpful to me.

I've had periods like you describe, which I felt like I don't care if I fall. However, life's got it's up's and down's. Don't let the down's get you.

Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com
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