So here I am, a little under 12 hours away from approaching 2 days clean. This comes after 69 days of what I referred to as clean time, yet I can tell that there were certain seeds sown. While I didn't look at inappropriate material or act out physically for 69 days, I would give into doing the second look (first is on Hashem, second is one me). At times, it was also 69 days of a struggle, what I didn't realize is that I am not meant to struggle. The key that I've been trying incorporate into my life is to let go and let G-d. I am powerless of lust; I am not sure whether or not I am an addict and that question is, to a certain extent, irrelevant, but I do realize that my lust is unmanageable. It wasn't until the last few days of the 69 days that I started working the GYE program. I only recently just printed up the handbook and have started going through the tools and attitudes. I have a wonderful partner holding in the same place as me. I have a great group of friends to reach out to on the phone. I've attended some of Duvid Chaim's phone conferences. Basically, I'm in it to win it, but not to win it in the long term, just to win it in this very moment. Tomorrow I may fall, but for right now I am ready to never fall again.

So I got past the three day hump, going on day 5 and feeling pretty good/strong. Had a great shabbos, my friend from AA actually celebrated his 1 year of sobriety. The only issue im
having is I'm wondering if im
actually making the problem for myself. Maybe being involved in GYE is actually causing me to think about it too much and so im making it harder on myself. Any thoughts? And yes, I know it's possible for it to be the yetzer hara. 

myk5775 wrote on 06 Nov 2016 14:17:

Maybe.
 onlyI one real way to find out.

B'hatzlachah