Day 10.  Feeling great! I had a wonderful shabbos.  I hope all of yours was just as good.

Shomer, thanks for asking about the filter.  I downloaded k9, but not have had the opportunity to install it yet, because I need my wife to punch in the password.  I hope to get around to it soon. The good news is that I decided to test how good this filter is.  On their site, they have a section where you can enter a site in, and see its ratings.  Well, I mentioned that with the filternet (which is what I currently have) I was able to get into particular forums which were the filter did not catch to be P.  However, k9 did categorize these same sites as P.   

I was reading this thread (after being away for a while) and I just started crying. I mean really crying. And I said to Hashem "Look at you precious children -like ykv and ben; look at these tzadikim, look what they're doing in the midst of the darkest darkest dark of the darkest galus. And in their zechus put an end to all our pain and suffering. For once and for all get rid of that monstrosity -the horrible vicious wicked meuval."

Chevra, I need your help, please join me in my Tefila, let it be a tefilas rabim. I firmly believe that the great warriors here (that includes everyone) have a very great ko'ach hatefila, especially if it's everyone together! Daven your heart out, shake the heavens, we can do it!

OK, Day 12 and feeling great! 
Things are going well.  B"H, very minimal nisyonos so far.  I constantly daven to Hashem to remove the urges and if I get them, I should have the will power to fight them.  Last night, I was slightly tested.  I felt a slight urge.  Well, I did not let the urge build up, but rather I first yelled at that menuval.  Told him he is ruining my life and he not welcome.  And then I took him to my beis medrash, my bookshelf.  I took out a gemara, began learning a tosfos that I was confused about.  I sat there till the tosfos was clear.  By the time I was finished, the menuval was nowhere to be found.  I guess he was bored.
And today was so amazing.  I was learning a very complex sugya.  In the past week, my clarity in learning began coming back to me.  But today I learned with such clarity it was so unbelievable.  I was then able to write over my chidushei torah in a few pages, to maintain this amazing clarity.  I was so thankful to Hashem. 

I have been working on making a daily cheshbon hanefesh on some of the "smaller" things that make a "big" difference in ones life, like saying mode ani with at least some kavana.  And I realized to do this, we need to appreciate our wonderful lives.  If a person does not want to live, how can he truly thank Hashem to give him his neshama back.

I have been putting much more focus on talking to Hashem and asking from Him at all times even not during davening.  I try to speak my words out loud.

And of course, I have been keeping up with the twelve steps and tikun clali.       

Day 14 - TWO WEEKS.  Feeling great.
I have had one of the greatest two weeks in my life in a long time.  B"H, I began the asei Tov aspect of this growth and so far it has been amazing.  I do not have time to elaborate now on my progress, but all I can say things are going well. 
Please, everyone, give me chizzuk that I will not fall again.  I am a bit apprehensive about this.  I mean in the past two weeks, I have had close to no desires for porn. It was wild.  A few small incidents here and there and I crushed that Y"H each time.  On top of that my Shmiras Eynayim was all time high.  It pains me if any woman would walk in front of my eyes.  But I am scared.  How can one possibly continue like this.  Is it possible.  My learning is amazing, my davening is intense, my mussar sedarim are actually effective.  I am focused on ruchnayis all the time.  But I am scared.  Please, Please give me the chizuk.  I know in the past I failed.  And I know I will not fail this time.  But I am scared.

Rebbe Nachman said: "The main thing is not to fear at all". Sometimes, the fear itself can lead a person to fall. As - Lehavdil - Winston Churchill once said "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself".

They tell a story of R'Meir of Premishlan. As an old man he used to walk up and down a slippery, icy mountain in middle of the winter, to immerse in the stream. A band of mockers once made light of his daily trip and decided to try and imitate him. But as soon as they tried to climb the mountain, they all came sliding and crashing down. When Reb Meir heard about this he said "when a person is tied above, he doesn't slip down below".

In this struggle, besides just learning to FIGHT and be STRONG, we need to learn to "hold on above" and live with Hashem in our hearts. One who has Hashem with him, is no longer afraid. The 12 Steps speak of "serenity". This is one of the most important aspects of success in this struggle. Bringing Hashem into our lives, letting Go and Letting G-d. Not taking all the work on ourselves, because that indeed leads to fear.

The pasuk says, Lo bigvuras hasus yechpatz... Roteh hashem es yirayuv - es hamiyachalim lechasdo. One meaning of this could be, that Hashem doesn't give success to STRONG people who can overcome the Yetzer hara even when it is very difficult. Hashem has enough "strong" Malachim in Shamayim. As a matter of fact, if a person thinks he is strong enough to withstand any test, Hashem may test him and bring him to fall. Instead, Hashem wants only "fear of heaven" and "hoping to him" for help. When we ask Hashem for help and tell him that we want to fear him, and when we hope to him and we know that we can't do it without him - THEN we will see success, and be fearless in the process :-)

dear ykv - listen to guard and do not fear.take one day at a time and do not think about tomorrow.and do not think about the past.think about the next second that's coming.can i be careful for the next second? i think you can.after that, think again - can i be careful for the next second? yes again.can i be careful for the next 24 hours? this is not a good question to ask take one second at a time. jack

Good point jack! If we live one day at a time, the fear is greatly diminished. If you feel a great fear of falling, tell yourself - just for today, I won't fall.

Thank you GUE and Jack for your encouraging words.  The funny thing is that I have been humming the tune to "The main thing is not to fear at all" for the past few days.  I guess it was on my mind a lot.  B"H things are so great and the fear of it failing becomes that much scarier.  Not that I feel like I am going to fail but it almost seems too good to be true.  But I have been focusing a lot on the 12 steps and I have been feeling immense natural serenity. I have been super calm to all that I meet.  I feel  a pleasure to be with people and to help people.  My wife cannot get over what a calm and upbeat mood I have been in. 
So I am just going to take this one second at a time, keep myself tied above, continue to have Hashem in my heart (which the tikun clali has greatly embedded in me), and hope for Hashem (I always daven for him to help all of us).
You guys are great! I feel like crying for joy just thinking about how wonderful you guys are.  Thanks

The filthy menuval is so upset about this beating that you've been giving him, but there's not much he can do about it when you keep building up your ruchnius. So all he could do is try to get you to worry about the future. Tell him to bug off!
The fact is that if you continue on the path that you've started, you'll get very very far. Even if chas vesholom there would be a fall along the way, there's no reason at all that it should stop you from reaching the summit!

On the other hand, worrying can stop you.

R' Tzvi Meir always says, "concentrate only on the positive".
The malicious menuval always tries to convince us, to concentrate on the negative. Ignore him and keep up the amazing progress!!!

Thanks battleworn.  I will continue to focus on the postives and to continue to daven to Hashem ALL the time to help me fight this.  I had mentioned in the other posts that I began making "small" changes to daily routine that make "big" differences.  Areas that I know I need work.  Like, saying mode Ani with Kavana, Getting out of bed with zrizus and coming to shul on time.  Focus on the first pasuk of krias shema.  Talking to Hashem at every free moment.  In the middle of seder I will ask of Him things.  After Mincha, I go over one perek from the tikun clali slowly with metzudas to get pshat of the content. So, I will continue on this path, and STOP worrying like you say. 

Day 18 - Chai.  I am feeling life.  It is great. B"H, bli ayin hara, almost no nisyonos in the past 18 days.  I continue to daven at every opportunity for hashem to protect me.  I have become very strict with shmeras eynayim.  I do not let even a bad though enter my head, and the second that I feel even the most subtle thought I do not let it get deep.  Whether I can keep up this high madrega for life is unknow (though, I certainly strive for it and hope for it), bu the fact that I have been able to go this for the past 18 days is amazing. Even during my six months of total abstinence from porn and masturbation, my mind was far being this clean.  My clarity in Torah and davening is amazing.  I am actually excited to get up in the morning for the wonderful oppurtunity of serving Hashem.  Another day to get even better.  I say Mode Ani with Kavana thank Hashem for giving my neshama back, something that I could never really appreciate. 
In honor of my great mood and my great thanks to GUE and all my family here for helping me and supporting me, I went to the kosel to daven for everyone on this forum.  I got my inspiration from Ano Nymous, who after reaching his 90 days milestone davened for all of us.  Lets all continue to fight together. Thank you  Ano Nymous.
Below are the names that I davened for.  If you see a name missing, please add it, I hope to do this again sometime.
Shomer, MD Ashdod, Benyamin6766(ben), baruch hu ubaruch shmo, phillip, someone, pahut yid, ykv_schwartz(me), habib613, joeyman, momo,Ano Nymous, be holy, mevakesh hashem, battleworn, jack, bachur28, getting help, yossi_mords, wewillnotbeforsaken, boruch, struggling_woman 

Wow, it looks like Hashem is giving you a big pat on the back and showing you how much he loves you!

The Noam Elimelech says that during kriyas shema we should imagine we were being thrown into fire Al kiddush Hashem and accept it with love. So in these days of divine bracha and koach, make sure you have in mind that you are mekabel malchus shamayim even if chas veshalom you would have hirurim ra'im, and even if you would feel down, and even if you felt you couldn't daven and learn, and even if all seemed dark. If you accept this upon yourself, i.e. to swallow the bitter pill for Hashem's sake no matter how bitter it feels, then you will truly be zocha and worthy Lachazos Bino'am Hashem forever!

Dear ykv,

Thank you for davening for us all.  You are doing a fantastic job so far and are an inspiration to us all.

May you continue to go m'chayil el chayil and be a true source of nachas to Hashem yisborach and to all of klal yisroel.

KUTGW

Thank you Ykv. Rabeinu Guard bichvodo uvi'atzmo, seems to be missing from the list, along with Elya. Also PostalServicio, Chazak, ME, MW, Net, chasdei avos, me2, snibril and andsm1. Also, please daven for my son. Thank you!

                                                    CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!!!!

I want to thank you, too, for having my name on the list.  I also want to express my heartfelt desire, bli nedar, to be able to imitate YKV, and put a kvittal in the wall for everyone here.