HaRav Battleworn,
Your guidance and chizuk throughout my journey helped me enormously. Your understanding in times when no one else did is what encouraged me to to continue. You help me ignore the criticism and mock of others. You comforted me at those times that I felt isolated and lonely. I am forever grateful.
As you know, one of the steps of teshuvah is working on humility. The Rabeinu Yona lists off three reasons why this is necessary for teshuva. Your kind and inspirational words have not helped in that regard. :D
With Love,
Yaakov
Reb Efshar,
Thank you for your kind words. I will try to resume next week some more lessons learned from succa. stay tuned. According to my calendar, we are expecting a BIG simcha from you in a few days. I bought new dancing shoes just for the occasion.
Rabeinu HaGuard,
Because this is my thread, I get the last word. I will not allow any more of this discussion on my thread. Last time we did that, you had to call in the surgeons (and that wa back in the days before bardichev who was able to instantly solve all such problems) and to remove those posts that related to the topic you discussed and move it to another location. Any further discussion should be taken off-line or another thread. And please, no instigating words.
With that being said, my way is the GYE way. Batteworn's way is the GYE way. EVERYONE on this site who is working towards sobriety and committed to lifetime sobriety as they gain a closeness with Hashem is working the GYE way. The goals are the same. The definitions for success are the same. The methods are CLOSE ENOUGH to be called the same.
What R' Twerski writes about, is precisely what battleworn has been saying for a long time. If I did not know otherwise, I would have thought that battleworn wrote that article. With precision, and a clear-cut analytical mind, Battleworn has always been able to penetrate the truth quicker than most of us.
Allow me to digress.
Each person is unique. And each person finds precisely what works for them. Each person knows what his major issues are. We do not all share the exact same struggle. They are similar enough to share advice. But never the same to draw conclusions. Each person has different needs in avodas hashem. Each person will deal with recovery in a slightly different fashion. We need to be extremely careful when meddling with another yid's avodas hashem and not superimpose our experiences on others. This has been the message of battleworn from the start.
What makes us a wonderful family is that we recognize the unique facets of each individual. We try to encourage and inspire as it fits with the receiver. My inspiration for growth came from this site and all its holy people.
What we have built on this site is a very unique social network. The amount of emotions and concern for one another on a daily basis is unmatched. This is our success. As I wrote in my Ode, "when there is achdus, there is no yetzer hara." People can come here at all times of the day for chizuk. People on this site can post their feelings without having to wait their turn. There is always a listening ear. There is always a concerned spirit. There is always comfort.
Allow me to digress further.
For me the after-shock of recovery was far too massive for me to sit back idly. I needed to connect my spirit in a very real way. I needed to do something. I was desperate for maintaining sobriety. I let my soul lead the way. My neshama knew exactly what it needed. My hurting soul needed comfort and relief in a time of destruction. My soul was was so happy to finally be allowed into my life. My soul was so happy to finally shine. When I felt pain, I was joyed. I understood that I was removing the outer layers that cover the spirit. I was getting in touch with myself for the first time in a long time. I was finally able to cry the way I cried when I was a youth beginning my battle 15 years ago. This was a sign that I was not 'cut-off'.
For the first time in my life, I was able to wake up in the morning and say Modeh Ani with kavanah. I thanked Hashem for real for giving me life back. I thanked him for giving me another day to live and become a greater person. For the first time in my life, i began to really appreciate life, with all its hardships and setbacks. All the knowledge that I have amassed over the many long years of struggling came rushing down to me with clear understanding. I was finally able to internalize all my knowledge and bring it to my heart, as the baalei mussar tell us.
I spent the first two months of sobriety in intense davening to help me. I set aside time each day for tehillim (and continue to do so) as I connected myself. [As an aside, if I am not mistaken, this has been the approach of the early AA's as well.They would encourage recovering addicts that after making a definitive decision to remove themselves from alcohol, the needed to spend time each day over religious work to connect themselves to G-d. ] I NEVER EVER wanted to go back to that dark world again. I have fallen in the past and I knew it could happen again. I begged Hashem day and night for eternal protection. I did everything in my means to help myself. I understood in a very real way that help from Hashem will only come if you put in all your efforts. And all my efforts were exerted. The Rabeinu Yona tells us that a person who really wants, tries. He explains that is what bechira is all about. It is about putting in all your efforts as you express your true desire. If you want but do not do, then you do not really want. You only want to want.
I needed to rebuild my life from the start. I began implementing small changes that made a huge difference to my day. I understood that without proper kavanah in Shemah, modeh ani and krias shema Al Ha'Mitah, I would never gain the proper perspective on life that I needed. I understood that without proper perspective on love and intimacy, I would never survive. I took what I always knew to be true and began internalizing it. I began writing letters to my wife, as I expressed my emotions in a very open way. I became more careful with inyanei kedusha. This include sleeping in the right direction and stop inviting the yetzer hara into my life. I became extremely more cautious with other areas as well, but I decide not to elaborate.
A great zechus that Hashem has given me was that precisely during my days of sobriety, my wife and I had to remain abstinent due to uncontrollable circumstances. My wife was sick for an extended period of time. With my initial frustrations, I began to realize how much my perspectives on life and family have not been internalized and how selfish I have become. Also, during this time, my wife was unable to handle most of the daily chores. I had to help out much more as well as offer proper comfort to her. After all, as much I helped, I was still away from home 12 hours a day in another city. And taking time off was not a realistic option. This meant learning to become sympathetic and expressing love and concern. I began to understand that Love was not about romance but about caring. It was about building an eternal bond of oneness with another, which leads to a natural sense of concern and care. It is about giving not getting. The more I gave, the greater I felt. I transformed myself from selfishness to selflessness. I was finally able top express my love to my wife for real. And of course I always knew this. But for the first time, I began living it.
To Summarize: In the past this long period of separation would often lead to addiction and depression. This time it lead me to sobriety and rejuvenation.
My need for proper teshuvah was from my inner spirit telling me to do ratzon hashem. My need for teshuvah was not a 'method' to remove myself from sin. B"H, I was beyond that. The day I decided 'No More', it melted away like ice in the hot sun. That part was easy. When you want it, it is easy. AND I WANTED OUT. NO MORE.
But I still need to do teshuvah. I needed kapara for the past and tahara for the future. This has nothing to do methodology of recovery. Hashem sent his special messengers down to this earth to guide us. I needed to understand the effects of my past and ask for proper forgiveness. I knew this does not come to those who just want it. It comes after hard work or internalizing the truth of the world. One must learn to understand. I have done this many times in the past, but I knew this time would be different.
For the first time in my life, I began to understand what Charata really meant. I understood how charata had much more to do with internalizing than knowing. Charata is a feeling of astonshment and shock. The new person known as a baal teshuva cannot believe what the old person did. This comes only through a creating a new person. A person that has internalized how terrible his acts were. A person that internalizes how great Hashem is. With this he becomes shocked and stands in disbelief as he realizes how he has rebelled, destroyed himself, acted worse than the animals, etc. But this is an avodah.
I understood aziva hachet as I did everything in my capability to not allow lustful triggers from entering my day, following the guidelines of halacha (as opposed to idealistic thinking).
I understood and felt yagon as my neshama unleashed itself as it cried days on end.
As I began internalizing daaga from the yetzer hara, I strengthened my gedarim. I became more careful where I walked and with whom I speak with. I davened for protection with greater convictions as even the most remote possibility for sin was scary to me. As I feared I would never reach my goal in this world and push harder for success, I felt it even more. It encouaregd to increase my awareness of hashem with each passing day. I should never settle for yesterday's accomplishments. As I feared retribution (and is proper, sorry to those that cannot accept), I davened for salvation. I took each minor mishap in my life as another brick of atonement. I laughed as I was pained, realizing it is all a kaparah.
And the growth goes on as we move to hachnaa (humilty) and then to sheviras hataavos, and onwards.
And I also knew that last year, when I went six months clean, one of my biggest aveiros was not doing any vidui until Yom Kippur. I am so ashamed of myself for this. I was scared to say vidui only to be proven a hypocrite later on.
I needed to get close to hashem (again). I felt so distant from him. It was me that created that barrier. And I would have to work to remove it. I know that I brought this nisayon on myself and I needed to get myself our of it. I made may wrong decisions in my life and it was in my hand to stop. I needed to stop relying on others for chizuk alone and realized the matter is in my hands to fix. I needed to stop thinking that 'Eventually I will stop. The problem will just go away on its own.' When I removed myself from sin, I begged Hashem day and night to let me back. He allowed me to come to his throne of glory for five weeks (until Purim) as I expressed all my inner emotions directly to him. Those were the most precious moments of my life.
Another great contributor to my early growth was that I had a close friend on this site (who never posted) that I corresponded with for two and half months. We spoke about a lot of things and clarified issues. I recently put our correspondences in a word doc, and it came to 28 pages.
I think my digression has come to a halt.
Good Shabbos,
yaakov
