thanks613 wrote on 18 Apr 2016 03:10:

Thanks6, did i just read this, or did I just write this?!
Scary.

stillgoing wrote on 10 May 2016 16:21:

That makes 3 of us

Well I'm glad it still resonates with someone.  Personally, I had a setback last night, and it's hard to think positive at the moment.

B"H, I have worked on my preventative system a bit..  I have a filter at least on my personal PC.  My computer is officially being monitored.  I have worked a bit on making stronger connections to reach out when I'm in trouble.  I'm in a serious phone group that I'm hopeful about.  But I'm still in the mud when it comes to stayin' clean when the bells start a ringin' (whatever that means)

Yesterday I was thinking about my favorite fantasy.  I was playing tug of war with it for most of the day (I was pulling it towards me and G-d knows what was pushing it away).  After all, I told myself, I'm not gonna act on it...    In a way I didn't.  When I logged on to a computer later that night, I refrained from indulging in the fantasy. But later that night, in my bed, with nothing but my thoughts and my body, it was a different story.  

What could I have done better? Called someone early in the day and been honest with them about how I was lusting in my mind?  What could they tell me anyways?  Called someone at night when I was really in danger of giving in completely?  It was 2 AM (roughly)!!!!   Opened my window and jumped out? Slept in the bushes in front of my house? That probably would have worked, but I didn't want to leave the comfort of my bed, and the comfort of my fantasy, to be honest.  


 

Thanks for the honesty, 
The resistance is worth alot,  for however long you were holding back.

Good luck in the future,  and i don't know about anyone else but you can always call me if you wanna, 2 am is a great time. 

Pm me if you'd like my #

For me, I try to bring the lust to light right away because the longer I let it fester, the more I won't be able to deal with it.

I'm starting to recognize the importance of letting someone else into my mind - speaking out my fantasies and what I actually do - so that I can let go.  Starting..

 

Hello all:

I have decided that it is about time to "grab the bull by the horns" and address my addiction problem head-on.

Thanks613 posted on April 18 which I think identifies an important issue, and that is how feelings of inadequacy can drive on to look for ways to fail in many aspects of our lives.  I see that in so many ways in my life, how I grew up and had to deal with the challenges and difficulties that lead to where I am today. In so many ways, I see how my own feelings of inadequacies have caused me to sabotage my life.  Internet addiction is only one.

I grew up in a "traditional" Jewish home, we kept a dress of kosher and I went to Hebrew school during my elementary school years, in the afternoon after public school.  My dad, may he rest in peace, had a serious anger control problem and I was often screamed at, beaten, (not seriously, thank G-d) for doing stupid things like breaking something or messing up his toolbox.  Another serious "crime" was getting sick, he couldn't deal with having a cold or other contagious virus.

We lived in a mostly Irish-Catholic city with a fairly large Jewish community.  At the time I wasn't aware of it, but I discovered (only a few years ago) that I have a serious ADD problem which resulted in very poor schoolwork performance.  This resulted in my being assigned to a low-level "track" in junior high school, with some very low-class non-Jewish kids who mercilessly tormented me and beat me up daily ("Jew-Bagel, Dirty Jew, etc).  I should also mention that I am very short and in those days, was a "98-lb weakling" type of kid.  Fortunately, my mom got involved, she say my potential, and had me moved to a higher "track" in school which stopped the anti-Semitic tormenting.

I finished high school, college, and graduate school with decent, if not excellent, grades.  Besides the trauma of my father's rage, I also experienced two jobs with bosses who treated people poorly, and I was forced to leave both (one was teaching in a yeshiva, the other was working for a government social service agency) because I couldn't deal with their constant threats and intimidations (due to "poor work quality").  I think my problems were again due to my ADD and inability to organize myself.  I now we're not supposed to ask for sympathy, but I do see clearly that I have feelings of inadequacy that I haven't been able to resolve.

Despite the above, I'm happily married to a wonderful lady and thank G-d have children and grandkids.  My wife puts up with a lot of meshugas from me, and for that I am forever grateful.

To my Internet addiction:  I don't know whether the above is the cause of my current addiction, but I do know that I am addicted and spend hours at a time where I shouldn't be.  As much as I've tried, and have even been "clean" for weeks at a time, it comes and goes and never goes away.  Sometimes I just keep going online, looking at stuff, downloading it and saving it.  Then I get a pang of guilt and inspiration to "start clean," deleting the stuff off my computer.  Then I just start all over again.  I'll be honest; I like looking at what's on there.  And I know it's wrong, but I just keep "falling off the wagon" over and over.  

My current job is not very stressful, thank G-d, so my work is satisfactory.  However at home, there are lots of things that I am responsible for that aren't getting done.  My wife is frustrated and I feel guilty.  My biggest worry these days is, after 120 years, I'm going to have to give a din v'cheshbon of what I did down here in This World.  It's going to be excruciatingly painful when my secrets come out in the open.

I know what I'm doing is wrong and hurts not only my neshama, but my wife, children and even grandchildren.  

I WANT SO MUCH TO STOP!  I hope GYE can help me to break the bonds of my addiction, and look to you all for guidance.   Thank you, Joe

 

Another issue I'd like to address from my first post, is that I am a baal teshuva and have been for over 40 years.  While I know beyond a doubt that the Torah is Truth and Yiddishkeit is the only way a Jew can live, I have NEVER felt a part of my community or equal to other frum people.  I find it difficult to open a sefer and learn, although I daven 3 times a day (slowly to prounounce all the words), put on Tefillin every day, and completely shomer Shabbos and Yom Tov.  Unlike many of the men in this community who are baalei teshuva, I never went to yeshiva full-time and therefore can't really relate to that experience.  I feel very inadequate and uncomfortable with frum people, and actually feel more comfortable with non-frum people. 

Hey Joe.  It's an honor to hear from you! Your honesty is touching, and I certainly feel for your pain and struggles.  Welcome to the community, and I hope you find people and tools here that can help you.

Stick around. And thanks so much for sharing your story. Keep Posting!  

Hi Joe,

Welcome to GYE!

I'm an FFB who finds it difficult to open a sefer and learn. You do a lot of things, like davening 3 times a day, putting on tefillin, etc. that other frum people find difficult to do.  There's no need to feel inadequate. We're all brothers trying to do the right thing.

I hope to see you around here, and look forward to growing with you!

Boruch Hashem I just removed ALL inappropriate data from my laptop this afternoon.  May it be Hashem's will that I never put anything on it (or any computer)) that is "past nisht" for a Jewish person!

May we all have a Shabbat Shalom...Joe 

 

Wow, nice, that was quick.



Here's a suggestion: If and when the urge to surf where you shouldn't (let alone download inappropriate material) arises again, immediately come back to GYE and chat, whether publicly or privately, and get it out of your system. You'll find alot of people there who know the feeling exactly and hopefully you'll be able to alleviate a setback.



Easy for me to talk, but not necessarily easy to do.... When I am faced with the monkey and I start thinking about being strong and not succumbing, I get an ache in my heart and a strong message reverberates in my mind about what a wasted opportunity it would be to turn away from the porn and how wonderful it would be to view it, and it often takes a struggle to squash those lies.



But the euphoric feeling of overcoming that challenge is worth more than I can express in words.

 

thanks613 an yesod:  I've had innuerable fallings, resolutions to do teshuva, and fallings again.  But I've noticed a few things during my long roller-coaster ride:

1.  When I'm feeling good about myself, I have no interest in engaging in my internet additction
2.  When I know I have a block of time when I'm not needed by anyone, I find my weakness gets the better of me.  For example, I don't a meeting scheduled or my wife goes out for a couple of hours when I'm home.  That's when my yetzer hara gets the better of me, and I fall.

Finding an answer for #2 is HUGE challenge, since we all have busy times, and free time. From #1 however, I find that my feelings of inadequacy are at least in part responsible for my fall.  So your thought that such feeling contribute to the yetzer hara's strength, I'd say you are spot on.  The challenge here for us, at least in part, is to find things and ways to accomplish a positive self-image.

I live in a large city with a huge Jewish community.  I haven't been able to find my "niche," my own circle of friends, since we've moved here 30 years ago.  I miss living in a smaller community where it's easier to find one's place.  I suspect this is also partly responsible for my feelings of inadequacy, although in some ways outside of the Jewish community, I definitely have that "niche," though some of my hobbies and secular interests.  We are taught, however, that being part of a Jewish community is more important.

I find that knowing there are others who share my addiction definitely makes it less painful for me.

I wish everyone hatzlacha in our struggle.  Being in this situation for years and years, I feel for you all.  Best wishes...Joe

I wish you the best of luck, thanks613, in your journey.  Hatzlacha!  Since G-d helps him who helps himself, may He give you the strength you need to be successful...Joe

Thank you Ecstatic.  I plan to do just that, if I'm in that sitch.  I've already signed up for the 90-day chart.  I'm hoping that one yetzer hara will be defeated by multiple yetzer tovs...Joe