"Dov" post=288005 date=1463435434
 

There is a way you can become motivated to do these things, and that is by not acting out your lust. It actually works in reverse for some people (actually for most people it works both ways). Admittedly, this is a scary-sounding path, but I guarantee it will not kill you.

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Shockingly, it will end up being the easiest period of sobriety you have ever had. The exact opposite of what so many GYE guys would suggest. But I know it from experience and the experience of all the other guys I know who have done it. If you are begging for a way out and for a 'bottom', then assume that sex of any kind is toxic to you. Just for a few months. It is worth a try. It will wake up inside you a dependence upon G-d that you never knew you even had.

And one month is not enough for this to work, at all. Most of us will simply revert to holding our breath, as we have many, many times trying to white-knuckle our way through the '90-day wall of honor'. 

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That's proven by the fact that when it comes down to actually doing this, three months seems suicidally stupid to us and crazy. And 'just unnecessary'. Four months is even better, as we did, be"H.   

Now, of course dropping sex temporarily is not enough. So, regardless of whether you are, or are not married, during this period (and I think 3 months is usually right for starters) you can agree not masturbate even once nor to ever touch yourself in a sexual way. Simply agree that come hell or high water you will adhere to that. 

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Part of this includes no sexual fantasies. As soon as you become aware that you are running the mental video - just drop them, surrender them, give them up. Pray sincerely for all the men and women in the porn you were remembering, or the person you were fantasizing about and ask Hashem to please, please give them everything they will need in this lifetime that He is giving them to make this life precious and truly good for them. No need to pity them and pray that Hashem should get them to finally stop being so pritzus...for who  is the one worshiping them? Me. So instead of looking down at them at all, I would do better to admit that had I been born in their shoes and had their upbringing, I'd likely be the same as they turned out or perhaps even worse. So we are equals in some respect - screwed up people on G-d's earth.

Now, if you find that this sincere praying does not help you move on without the fantasy, then call an understanding (sober) friend and admit the entire desire. Rav Elimelech zy"a writes just this (and he isn't even talking to addicts - certainly addicts would benefit by it). Don't squeeze your eyes tight and beg G-d to take your desires away...no fast and 'desperate shukeling' - none of that will help. It will only hurt...badly. As the Shulchan Aruch writes, "It is essential not to believe that the intensity of your prayers is what is making it work instead of the simple charity (Chessed) from G-d that you can never deserve anyway." (I paraphrase) And the ShaLo"H actually writes this is Pshat in Hashem telling Moshe Rabbeinu "Mah titz'ak elai?" - He meant to say to Moshe that he should not daven so hard. For if he does, the bnei Yisroel will likely believe that Kriyas Yam suf happened because of Moshe's will, not because of Hashem's Will!

As addicts, we more than any other people, I think, need to recuse or disqualify ourselves from G-d's decision-making process in a very practical and concrete way. One way of doing this is to quit self-pleasuring. Recovering addicts who choose the 12 steps, agree (as AA suggests in Ch 5) to abandon ourselves to G-d as much as we are able (it will only be a little, surely), and to let go of people and life and let G-d do His Will. We try to do the best we can, and yet leave the outcomes completely to Him and Him alone. This is radically different from how we were till now. I assume you may agree. Trying to do that and failing, is always because of our character defects - and that is why steps 4-7 follow step 3 immediately. If you find this is the issue, then avail yourself of those steps exactly as they are written, and you will find relief, chaver. It really works, if you really work it. As we are, we are only comfortable in the Driver's seat - we determine when we will orgasm, by masturbating ourselves on demand, for example. When the going gets tough, we masturbate...no? And that is just the tip of the iceberg of our controlling. Gevalt, we need G-d, perhaps more than anybody does. 

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Dang, I thought you would like those responses 

It might help if I:

1. Don't use internet accessible devices except when looking at porn is not possible - like public places or family rooms
2. Go to bed earlier and get up for shacharis
3. Have regular contact with someone who can really help me and hold me accountable and stuff, like a mentor, sponsor, therapist, Rebbe, parent, sibling, or friend. 

I guess I just don't seriously want to do any of these things. 

I really want to start watching a movie now, but I'll commit to #2 instead, just for today.

Dang, I thought you would like those responses 

It might help if I:

1. Don't use internet accessible devices except when looking at porn is not possible - like public places or family rooms
2. Go to bed earlier and get up for shacharis
3. Have regular contact with someone who can really help me and hold me accountable and stuff, like a mentor, sponsor, therapist, Rebbe, parent, sibling, or friend. 

I guess I just don't seriously want to do any of these things. 

I really want to start watching a movie now, but I'll commit to #2 instead, just for today.