doingtshuva wrote on 28 Feb 2016 01:05:

I didn't understand what you wrote about your wife.

mickeymousemaster wrote:

You began the days, it is a journey, I attempted to learn a little each day, and in my next 90 I will review,and train habit deeper, most of all learn that you can trust HaShem the Almighty to deliver you in the moment you call. you also have a lot of support around you.

cordnoy wrote on 26 Feb 2016 11:57:

Wife knows feels suffers without me needing to say anything.
You know what I mean.

I was answering to a ? you asked me.

 

I hope you'll allow me to share more of my experience with 90 days. This isn't for anyone who might be like me, this is purely for me. I feel the need to share this.

I always feel so crap after a relapse. This used to be for about 10 days or so, but after my last relapse this feeling persisted for over a month. For that entire time I have it deeply planted in my head that if I can make it to a good length of time, say 3 months, everything will be better. To an extent that's true, I do feel better when I'm 3 months + sober. But the annoyance of not being 3 months sober was often so frustrating that it pushed me to act out. The frustration was joined with a sense of justification - "I wouldn't want to act out now if I was 3 months, but I'm not.......so screw it!"

After each relapse I would smack my forehead "how could this have happened again! I was so determined!" Then would come a cycle of shame, good intentions, determination, renewed battle plans, frustration, struggle then relapse, shame, good intentions, etc etc.

I want to remind myself that where I'm holding today is exactly where I'm supposed to be holding today, and my job is simply to do the best I can with that today. 90 days is not something that I personally can do, all I can focus on is the next right action.

I also want to thank the member here who reminded me to only share my own experience, cos it felt damn good to get that off my chest.

Um...yeah, um, whatever. 

My issues really are not from porn. Oh, they certainly started that way. But I setup an iron clad filtration and monitoring system - it's women on the street, women here and there, that totally drive me crazy.  I suppose...I'm not sure. 

What has worked for you? Please hold the preaching.

I had pretty good monitoring but I always managed to find some R rated or even PG-13 stuff that would still cause me issues. The last time I had an issue it was from a trigger so small that it's silly. Women in the street and everywhere were a big issue.

What worked is 1) when I stopped relying on filters, monitoring, and everything else to protect me and 2) I realized that if I'm doing it halfway by still looking at women anywhere, I'm probably going to have issues. I had never really wanted to admit that I COULD stop looking in the street or even needed to.

Once I admitted that I couldn't be seeing anything stimulating on purpose and had to protect from putting myself in challenging situation, everything changed. Now, since I know that I'm not going to look anyway, I can be (if I have to) in situations that I would have looked in he past but now don't.

It took me a LONG time to get to that place.

Watson wrote on 28 Feb 2016 16:15:

I am really excited to try and make it to 90 and beyond. But it was still important for me - and I thank you for your post - to read what you wrote about what goes on in your mind after a fall. I have been through exactly the same feelings. And even now I find myself saying, "20 days ... whats the big deal. 90 is so far off..." and what you wrote about realizing that for today I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Hits the spot. Thanks.

Nu R'MMM, how's it going?

I found that when I stopped looking at porn, my lust on the street got a lot worse. I have to not look at women in the street, if I keep looking I will eventually act out for sure. If I'm triggered I call someone in the program and talk it out.

How are you finding it? What's your experience with lust on the streets?

Watson wrote on 03 Mar 2016 08:03:

That's very interesting. My experience is usually the opposite - when I'm staring at women in the street it increases my lust which eventually needs a release by looking at porn and ultimately masturbating. 
The way I've been tackling this is actually to work on not lusting to begin with, and that includes not looking at the women in the street. As long as I do that I have a much easier time staying away from porn.