To me surrendering became very simple (although it took me very long to understand it, over 40 years of my life).
When you say bircas Geulah in shmonei esre you say 've-rivo riveinu' you ask Him to fight your fight, that's it! Nothing less, nothing more. We aren't strong enough so we rely on Him.
This is actually not only related to addictions but to whole our life (health, parnassa...). For me this new clarity (which I call basic emuna) has changed my view on life, I'm much more relaxed recently.

mike dupont wrote:


Thank you so much. That's what I was looking for. I will focus more on this kavana in amidah tomorrow.
Yesterday was scary I came very close to falling and looking at innapropriate images. Bh due to the many securities here I didn't.
But I did work out how I would fall if it did happen. I would fall by making myself start acting out without thinking. Get away from my active brain as it were. And then give up after this point.
Still 31 days down. 59 to go. Toughest day yet.
On a side point I've started thinking a lot about what shlomo said and how self esteem fits into it all. But more on that in the coming few days.

Kol hakavod for not giving up
Try to change yourself and adopt a positive attitude, I'm sure you'll have an easier time.
Once you surrender (and I mean surrender, not just saying it) you will be so much more relaxed. Try it out and you won't regret.

32 down 58 to go.
Again absolute shattered which is an impeding factor.
And today has been fairly tough.
Trying to truly surrender slowly slowly.
Thanks for the support.
We press on.

9494 wrote:


yeah i also am not so maskim to the 58 to go thing, but it seems to be working so why not?

33 down 57 to go.
Bh today was much better. I slept well last night. And even under extremely unpredictable challenges (fb wall!) I surrendered the fight to hashem and kept on.
I've said previously that my tayva is just base addiction with no psychological factors. It's not true. Definitely at least some part of it is driven by insecurity and a lack of happiness with myself. Perhaps this is natural in all of us. Anyway there are many many ways that I subconsciously try to medicate for this pain and one is acting out. Sometimes it helps to almost comfort myself and remind myself that I am completely good enough, and that I love me and hashem loves me. And that others love me. It's good to do every now and then and truly helps me to stay grounded.
Altho in this journey so far different struggles come to the fore and perhaps this is just as temporary as the others...well see...interesting that the struggle is a forum for growth...We keep on

quick question: do you value your sobriety so far? you have made a lot of progress b"h.

Shlomo24 wrote:


For a fair amount of time now I've been largely sobre...perhaps falling once every 2-4 weeks but definitely my day to day default has been sobre. I value it a huge amount because I view it as a part of my identity. And when falls have happened, I feel like I've sunk so far below myself, it generates massive amounts of shame.

I should clarify...The regular falls just mentioned are up until this current attempt.
Also I value it a fair amount for myself and a considerable amount for the others in my life.
Hope that answers ur question.

Just found your post. Really inspiring for me. I want you to know that each success that you have gives me chizuk and helps me chug for one more day ( also fighting for 90 days) I wish you much hatzlacha and we're all rooting for you!

Thank you so much!
34 down. 56 to go.
Not much to say today. Other than I seem to always find myself looking at women for too long on the streets. It's natural for sure but it would be good to speed up my reaction time.
Another day of tiredness which is a massive priority right now.
But bh another day of surrender.
We go forth!

Again a missed post on Friday. It's hard because it's always too early to post a progress update.
Eitherway ih next week.
Now: 35 and 36 done. 54 to go. Exciting. Bh.
Surrendering more and more every day...and riding the waves of good fortune that I have when times are easier.
Shavuah tov to all!

37 down. 53 to go.
In that weird place of emotional complacency atm.
It's a dangerous place to be in and requires a but of serious self exertion, so with the help of Hashem, we move forward.

38 down. 52 to go. BH.
I tried to actually post earlier but my phone's internet was rotten, so had to wait around a bit.
At the moment, although this is progressing, I feel in other areas of my religious growth I'm slacking which worries me because everything seems to impact everything else.
BH this Asarah Betevet I will be able to grow from introspection and teshuva and return to more positive ways of serving Hashem than just counting of days of being clean. Not that it's a small achievement. It's my most important endeavour, and with His help I will continue to move forward.

39 down 51 to go.
Feel in a much more positive place post fast.
As much as it is about surrender in this endeavour, I think I can start to see how surrendering every moment to Hashem, as far off as that goal is, will be really beneficial.
It seems so far that this area is really a microcosm of my religious growth.
The fight continues.