Still clean (Baruch Hashem)!

There were several days where I almost didn't have any thoughts cross my mind at all about this. I almost started thinking maybe the YH decided to give up on me and started working on someone else.

Apparently, he's still here though. Got hit by 'lust attacks' today. Not as bad as it could have been (hey, I'm still clean), but just enough to remind me that I need to stay on my toes and not get too comfortable here.

I'm still extremely busy, which is helping keep me away from 'other stuff', but just to be safe, I'm going to steal a bit of time away to read a bit more of the White Book (great stuff, by the way, together with the GYE Handbook).

Stopping by to say hello again. The past two days have been a bit rocky, I had a few 'lust attacks', but I was able to 'fight it off' (more in the end of this post about what I mean by that) and stayed clean.

I've been keeping myself EXTREMELY busy with work still, and haven't given myself any time to act out (although I make sure to still find some time to read a bit of the White Book), so that's been helping a lot as well.

Funnily enough, during a particularly trying moment yesterday, I decided I would come to this thread and post about it. Of course, at that particular moment, my computer and internet started acting all wonky, and I wasn't even able to get to this site. However, GYE still did what it was supposed to, as I was preoccupied working on my technology problems, and by the time I was done with that, my 'lust attack' was gone also

One interesting thing I've noticed is, the longer I stay clean, the more 'varied' my triggers become. For example, I recently needed to remove certain songs from my music playlist, as I felt they were 'borderline triggers' (not really sure how to describe it, but you know what I mean. And if you don't, well, at least I do ). I guess that's a reminder that I need to keep on my toes, and never think that I've 'won the battle', for even if I may have made (significant) strides in the struggle, that doesn't mean I can grow complacent.

Regarding the aforementioned 'fighting it off', in the past, I would just (internally) scream at my mind to stop thinking about this,get out of my mind, etc. but that never really seemed to work. However, while I'm still not completely sure what 'giving my lust over to God' actually means, it seems like a more laissez-faire attitude seems to be working better for me. When these thoughts come in, I say, "Ok, they're here, God, please help me overcome this hurdle", and I try to ignore the thoughts.

And in a final point, got around to setting up my anonymous Google Voice number, so will sign up for a phone partner as well.

Thanks to everyone here for all your help and support! Even if you don't realize it, you're helping make this platform a place where an addict can come and start/continue their road to recovery!

Today's a tough day. I'm getting frustrated and a bit overwhelmed by my work, so my 'mind' is trying to convince me "Come on, just watch a little bit, act out a bit, you'll feel good afterwards". And while that may be true for about like 3 seconds (and probably not even that long), I know that it isn't a solution.

So typing out my frustrations here. Thanks for lending a listening ear!

As an aside, I find it a bit funny how for the first few weeks (wow, I'm able to write 'few weeks' when speaking about sobriety ), being too busy to act out was one of my stronger tools to stay clean. Now all of a sudden, my 'mind' is trying to use the same trick of being too overwhelmed to try to get me to act out!

m58yiw84niym wrote:


KOT!

It's a tellin' sign that perhaps "busy" or "non-busy" is not really the issue; it's more in the mind. Oh my; what are we to do then?

b'hatzlachah

Wanted to stop by again to say hello and I'm still clean (woohoo!*).

I also signed up for the phone partner thing. It was an unnerving moment when someone from GYE called to confirm that I was a real person. That was the first time I'd ever made an audible confirmation that I was struggling and working on this challenge in my life. Granted, the entire conversation was all of 30 seconds long and simply was "Is your username m58 and a bunch of other letters?", but still, it's the most I'd ever spoken to a real person about this.

But most importantly, I reached a new milestone in my recovery! Forget all the boring and pointless stuff like 90-day challenge, learning the 12 steps, etc. I reached 2 "circles" worth of posts on the forum by my username! Yeah!

*The Chrome dictionary is so pessimistic. I typed "woohoo" and I get the squiggly-red-misspelled-word line with the only option being "boohoo"

So I hit another milestone today: 100 cumulative clean days! Frankly, that means nothing to me, but I needed some way to start off my post

28 days clean and counting (4 weeks!!!)! This might be one of the longest 'clean streaks' I've ever had (unless you count the first decade or so of my life...)! While I'm happy and 'proud' of myself, I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that this means I can lower my guard.

Thankfully, the past few days have been fairly 'easy', the few times I had minor intruding desires, I was able to relatively simply 'surrender my thoughts'and move on. Still keeping busy, reading a bit more of the literature, and all around Keepin' on Truckin'.

Ok, done with my posting for today. See you guys later!

sounds great! if it works for you then work it.

Just hit a 'real' milestone today (I know that it's real because GYE sent out an automated e-mail ). 30 days!

And of course, probably within minutes of when I officially crossed the 30 day mark, I get hit with one of the biggest lust attacks I've had in a while (can't I just enjoy the small victory for a bit?). So stopping by to type out what's happening. I won't be stopping by tomorrow night to tell you I reached day 31, but hopefully on Motzei Shabbos I'll be able to say I'm on day 32.

Taking a short break to read a bit more of the White Book now, will keep this window open as well to read a bit of the forums. Time to KOT!

Still clean!

I've got a lot to say, but no time at all to say it, but the main thing is I'm still clean. When I get a chance, I'll try to write up some more, but right now, I'm so busy, and don't even have time to finish this sente

40 days and going strong!

Not that this means I'll be lowering my guard, still working through it day by day, working on the White Book when I get a chance (not as much as I would like to), stopping by the forums, and all that other good stuff from GYE. Still proud of my accomplishment, though, looking forward to hitting the next milestone!*

*Must...resist...urge...to make cynical comment... Aw man, can't hold back, so here goes: 'Next milestone is day 41, stop looking at the numbers, take it one day at a time, day by day, etc etc.'

6 WEEKS!!!!! 42 DAYS!!!!! But don't worry, it's not like it's a big deal or anything, I won't let that distract me

Had a (not sure what to call it, so I'll stick with) temptation moment today. I was reading an interesting article today, and started following through on some of the interesting links that were related to it. Of course, it took me several seconds (maybe a minute or two) for me to admit that the real reason I felt it was 'interesting' was due to the triggers in it. Thankfully, I was able to close the window before it got really bad.

I wasn't even sure if I was going to write this down, but I figured I need to put everything down (hey, it's free anyways!), as the last time I fell, I feel like it could have been lessened had I shared on the forum first. So while I hope, pray, and believe that today's 'temptation' won't snowball into something bigger, I want to keep everything honest and out in the open.

Kol hakavod!!
This was inspiring - this is the broken windows theory (if I got it right) - prevent tiny infractions so you don't have deal with big ones.

44 days clean and going strong!

I had a 'weird' thought cross my mind¹ earlier today. As I was getting ready to go to bed, I suddenly thought something along the lines of "this is the scenario where I used to go watch something and act out. Maybe I should watch something". What was 'weird' about it was that it wasn't really a serious thought, just a fleeting thought that I immediately disregarded and moved on with my life.

I guess in some ways, maybe it's a good thing that I'm able to overcome something that I would do without a second thought² in the past. At the same time, though, I'm worried about the fact that these outrageous thoughts are coming in to my mind. Not going to get too bogged down about it, mainly just thinking out loud here.

Well, that's my ramblings for the day. Thanks to everyone here for your support, and KOT!



1. Hmm, looks like the struggle³ is trying some new ways to attack me now. It's done the whole hit-me-with-crazy-urges thing, and now it seems to be trying to get me in more subtle ways.I guess I just need to keep my guard up and remain on constant vigilance, regardless of how the challenge presents itself.

2. Ok, that isn't completely true. I always knew watching and acting out was wrong, felt guilty about it immediately after (and oftentimes during as well), and knew it was hurting my life to some extent. Still did it though...

3. For some reason, I keep trying to avoid calling 'it' some of the more classic names, like Yetzer Hara, disease, addiction, etc. Maybe there's some deep seated psychological reason about how I can't bring myself to admit and blah blah blah. Curious, but frankly that's the least of my concerns right now.⁴

4. Also, is this legal? Using a superscript on a footnote? I'm sort of hoping it isn't, as I've just done it twice and I like being a rebel.

The thoughts'll probably get weaker and weaker if you do what you did today (like an afterimage that disappears after a second or two)

I like your approach of just ignoring them & moving on with your life - especially the part about moving on with your life.

We're on a tour of a beautiful mountain area - why spend so much time looking at one piece of smelly dung! There are so many beautiful things going on in life - why did I spend so much time in the ugly corner of lust?

For me the images that i saw on the screen did not look like dung, the corner of lust wasn't ugly. In fact the people I saw were quite the opposite, frankly I wished I looked like them. While it wasn't good for me, and I feel terrible after it amongst other negatives, it definitely wasn't ugly or disgusting.