Read once, then minimize to save screen space.

Forum Overview

Post on the forum to get support, tell your story and reach out for help when feeling weak!

You will never be alone in this struggle again.

The GYE forum is anonymous platform of group support, and a life-line of chizuk for hundreds of people in exactly your situation. 

To use the forum you need to first become a member of the site, sign up here.

After signing up to the site, go to the forum, enter one of our boards and press "New Topic" to begin posting! 

Welcome, Guest
A recent scientific study shows that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong! See www.guardyoureyes.com/tools/90-day-chart.

TOPIC: (BIG) LONG SHOT!? 25232 Views

Re: (BIG) LONG SHOT!? 27 Nov 2018 15:39 #337525

  • stillgoing
  • Current streak: 8 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • "LIFE IS ONLY HARD FOR THE FIRST 120 YEARS!"
  • Posts: 1574
  • Karma: 110
stillgoing wrote on 25 Nov 2018 16:44:
greetings t'all
   Although this post probably belongs on the Ssa thread, I'm putting it here, just to keep my thoughts organized.
I think that we know how controversially emotionally charged the topic of "conversion therapy is" for many, so just to preempt, what I am about to write does Not refer to conversion therapy.

I was wondering about all of my ssa friends, if anyone had done any therapy - official or casual - as to the root of their ssa - it's possible causes - what we are looking for when we lust after particular men. Something along the lines of Jonathon's weekly calls (and for those new ssa posters who don't know who Jonathon is - you can respond too).
My question is basically
     #1, Have you delved into what may have been a cause of your ssa?
     #2, Have you found that this line of thought has helped you, hurt you, or something else?
    
I'm in the process of doing this myself, and I was wondering what the esteemed chevra here, have to say about it.   There isn't a right or wrong answer here, so don't hesitate to write your thoughts.

Hay, don't all respond at once!
BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

Re: (BIG) LONG SHOT!? 27 Nov 2018 17:34 #337528

  • Gevura Shebyesod
  • Current streak: 2100 days
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Ki Nofalti, KOMT-i!
  • Posts: 3799
  • Karma: 408
I haven't really done any therapy (although i did speak to a therapist a bit about this). But I relate strongly to what Jonathan writes about us using SSA to fill what we think is lacking in us. And I use these ideas to combat the fantasies that I get into sometimes (see more here). 

As far as whether this is the "cause" of SSA, my personal opinion is that it may be a part of it. There are probably genetic and/or other environmental factors at play as well. One thing I can say though is that it is clear to me that everything in my life, my personality traits, the way I was brought up, the (sometimes seemingly illogical) decisions that I and my parents made about things like where to go to school and camp, were all clearly orchestrated from Above to set me up for having SSA. I was not given a choice, and the attraction seems to be here to stay. My choices are my actions. Recognizing and accepting this fact was a big step in learning to deal with it.
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends
Last Edit: 27 Nov 2018 18:47 by Gevura Shebyesod.

Re: (BIG) LONG SHOT!? 08 Dec 2018 06:03 #337744

  • Shlomo24
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 2196
  • Karma: 134
stillgoing wrote on 25 Nov 2018 16:44:
greetings t'all
   Although this post probably belongs on the Ssa thread, I'm putting it here, just to keep my thoughts organized.
I think that we know how controversially emotionally charged the topic of "conversion therapy is" for many, so just to preempt, what I am about to write does Not refer to conversion therapy.

I was wondering about all of my ssa friends, if anyone had done any therapy - official or casual - as to the root of their ssa - it's possible causes - what we are looking for when we lust after particular men. Something along the lines of Jonathon's weekly calls (and for those new ssa posters who don't know who Jonathon is - you can respond too).
My question is basically
     #1, Have you delved into what may have been a cause of your ssa?
     #2, Have you found that this line of thought has helped you, hurt you, or something else?
    
I'm in the process of doing this myself, and I was wondering what the esteemed chevra here, have to say about it.   There isn't a right or wrong answer here, so don't hesitate to write your thoughts.

Haven't been on this site in FOREVER. In my experience, going to conversion therapy did not increase my serenity in any way. In fact, as you probably know, it caused me a lot of trauma that I'm still getting over. In terms of the getting to know the "roots" of my homosexuality, I don't think that anyone can answer that honestly. My conclusion about my sexuality, as of now, is that it's probably super complicated and the only thing I shouldn't trust is if people claim to know what caused my sexuality. Research indicates that there are genetic, hormonal, and environmental causes for sexuality. That all adds up to it being rather difficult to understand. In conversion therapy, they told me all sorts of things about my sexuality. What I find confusing now is that I was told that my relationship with my dad was a big cause of me being gay. But then I know many gay people with great relationships with their fathers. They told some people it was because they had an overbearing mother, but I had a really good relationship with my mother. It seemed like would just switch it to fit the agenda. And of course there are those that had good relationships with both parents. To even further the point, if an overbearing mom or distant dad caused homosexuality, there would be a heck of a lot more homosexuals. Having issues with parents is very common and homosexuality is not. (Although it has always existed and will always exist).

Even if any of the things I was told in conversion therapy were true, there's nothing that can be done about it anyways, more or less. One can always accept their sexuality and try to validate themselves (in a way that works for them) but changing it really isn't an option. For me, the self-love method really improved my serenity, and I leave "the reasons" for my sexuality up to God.
What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

"I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

My thread: Big Steps

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: (BIG) LONG SHOT!? 16 Dec 2018 18:18 #337851

  • mirror
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 80
  • Karma: 1
I hope this post will not be inappropriate for this web-site, but in order to answer Mr StillGoing's question, i will need to describe my therapy experience.
I have sexual feelings and desires towards many men. My therapist questioned me as to the exact nature of my pornographic internet searches. It made me feel very uncomfortable. It also helped me realize that what i wanted so badly from those boys was to be controlled, complete dominance and submission of myself towards them. My therapist asked me why I thought I wanted that. It seemed to me that since I have felt excluded by my peers as a child, if i now controlled them it just means that i am strong, but if they control me then they must be interested in me. I have a purpose in their lives, and I can bring  them enjoyment and be of important use to them. In short - they will value me.  After thinking about this concept for a bit, i realized [with a little help from Mr. Dov recordings found on this web-site] that this this feeling of being completely dominated and therefore being of value to someone can actually be realized by my connection to The One Above. In my fantasies i was captured, bound up and completely used however my captures wanted. In truth i Am captured and figuratively bound. I am completely controlled and used by my Creator. Thankfully He is kind and fair, I but I have no option of escape. I am owned and I must answer to Him. I may be free to move around and 'choose' but in reality I have no choice. My soul or whatever, was craving to be controlled. It is a scary world to be alone. I thought that i should be controlled sexually by other guys, but in reality i needed to be controlled be my Creator.

An irony of this, is that i first though of this while in the mikva. Minutes later an attractive boy walked in. Normally i would have been a goner. This time however, I was afraid to look. I knew that I was owned and I could not - would not let down my owner. either from fear, or love of Him depends on the situation, but I knew that as much as I wanted to look, I wasn't in charge. I was owned. I belonged.    

Re: (BIG) LONG SHOT!? 16 Dec 2018 18:49 #337852

  • Hashem Help Me
  • Current streak: 823 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1736
This post is a masterpiece. Keep them coming mr. mirror!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: (BIG) LONG SHOT!? 17 Dec 2018 14:51 #337872

  • stillgoing
  • Current streak: 8 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • "LIFE IS ONLY HARD FOR THE FIRST 120 YEARS!"
  • Posts: 1574
  • Karma: 110
Thank you Gevura, Shlomo and Mirror.
To address one at a time, Gevura, in a sense it sounds like you were kindof using Jonathan's class as a bit of therapy itself. I definitely agree to the acceptance that it is all from Above aspect. Certainty we should not feel guilt for being our self. Shlomo, (big welcome back!), it sounds like a similar idea that you were writing. I'm going to skip over the conversion parts since that's not the topic of discussion. The therapy that I was talking about was simply to be able to better deal with my craving/feelings toward certain other men. It sounds like Mirror had some positive outcome from therapy. But I wonder if that newfound connection to "The Higher Power" is enough to keep you sober alone long term. May I ask if you are sober and for how long? (No need to answer if you feel uncomfortable).
BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

Re: (BIG) LONG SHOT!? 25 Feb 2019 17:26 #339216

  • stillgoing
  • Current streak: 8 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • "LIFE IS ONLY HARD FOR THE FIRST 120 YEARS!"
  • Posts: 1574
  • Karma: 110
Just a thought about Forum etiquettes
If you would go browse on a forum dedicated to Automotive mechanics, I imagine there would be a lot of straight no-nonsense advice "try the carburetor" "got to be a valve leak" "engine overheating" "just do this, I did it it works" and everybody would like it. Because the idea is, just fix the car and hit the road. But on GYE, the focus is on fixing ourselves. We have a whole lot of emotions coming into play that does not allow us to just accept the straight direct advice as is. Since we are trying to change our personalities, we want to connect personally to the person who is offering the advice. Therefore Hardline no-nonsense advice is not appreciated on this fourm by many people. If my engine is overheating I would appreciate some clear straight to the point answers. But if I am overheating I don't want to be fixed, I want to be helped. And I want to be helped by someone who I know cares about me.
BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)
Last Edit: 25 Feb 2019 17:33 by stillgoing. Reason: Mayonnaise
Time to create page: 0.50 seconds