Boruch Hashem I am at day 61! This my longest streak since my struggle started. I am proud and very thankful to hashem, I am proud and thankful to GYE.

the fact is, that when I started out my 90 day journey i was pretty sure that i wont make it too long. I was ready to start the 90 day, even if i fall, it is worth each and every day that i will be sober. I was convinced that masturbating is a nature of human kind, and everyone does it. The question is just how many times we do it. I couldn't understand how we are forbidden from doing a thing that it is impossible from keeping ourselves from doing it. Therefore i decided that the most we are obligated to do is ti try to minimize it as much as possible.

As i am working through the 90 day trail, day by day, i feel that i am evolving. I feel that my conclusions are changing to the better. I have lots of work to work on myself, but I do see how foolish I was, that i was thinking that way.

I am looking forward to stay clean. keep reminding myself to work day by day, and with Hashems help move forward to the better.

Thank you all GYE members.

(just on another note remember to prepare yourself how to deal with the struggle after Lag B'omer is gone and after the 90 days are over too)

(just on another note remember to prepare yourself how to deal with the struggle after Lag B'omer is gone and after the 90 days are over too)

As i Will be In meron, I want to offer that whoever wants me to have him in mind can send me his name in a private message.

What I think is first of all remembering that it will get hard already can keep us focused.

And really trying to remember why we want to be clean/sober. Meaning that we are not doing it for some record etc. We are doing to be able to live now and enjoy living too and bring out the best in us.

And of course remembering that we can fall at any given moment so we should never tell ourselves i'm over or I can do it.

On another note, today I was working on step 4. The AA Big Book (BB) asks me to look at where my faulty character lead me to be angry at a person. The BB suggests I look at my mistakes, Where was I: selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? In other words just looking at my own behavior I can find why I'm angry and resentful at a person, idea or institution. What comes it is that I'm a selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and/or fearful person; maybe more one than the other. So let me ask you something, is it any wonder I seek escape in the form of lust and fantasy (or in some other form.) What person who is selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and/or frightened wouldn't seek escape? That's why we need to get to the route cause of our anger and resentments to become emotionally sober people. This is probably elementary to many people here. For me it took, many many hours of step work and 20 months in 12-step programs (20 months AA and 6 months SA)to understand. Not that I needed to understand it in order to do it and I'm sure more understanding will come, but it's nice to be able to see how it makes sense.

Why did I write this out here, lomed? When you spoke about looking at women at weddings, I started to think about what to say about that. I mean I don't think anyone will say the 90 chart was violated, but it's lustful behavior. Do we address and quash the lustful behavior? Is that always our focus? Are we obsessed with lust, even when we are recovering? Did I lust, didn't I lust? Did I look 2 seconds or 4 seconds? etc etc. Maybe we can use opportunities like this, not to dwell on if they were a technical violation, but to look at ourselves honestly and say what's causing our lust?

For me in the example of the women at the wedding, maybe I would ask myself. What's lacking in my life, that I have this need to look at this woman? What am I escaping from? Where am I discontent with what I have? I might answer that, I'm afraid my life isn't going so well. I think I could have done better for myself. I'm afraid this world is it, and I'm missing out on the pleasures. I'm afraid that when I'm old, I'll regret how I lived life. Then maybe I will ask Hashem to show me his will and surrender myself to His plan. Maybe I'll be comforted to know that He is with me and has a plan for me. Maybe that will assuage my fears. Maybe I'm still overwhelmed and afraid and I need look more at my relationship with God. Maybe I need to pray. Maybe a review of steps 2 and 3 is in order. Maybe I need to sit down and work on step four and list my fears, so I can see how much fear effects my decisions. I guess that's one way my experience could go. How do you think it might go for you?

Hatzlacha!