As usual, these Chabbat ends are not very good for me..
I wonder if someday I will be able to get off this sadness which seems so deeply rooted in me..
Sorry to begin the week with such negative post but I really need to share what I feel tonight. After some long reflection I think I found the cause of this sadness, sadness which is obviously one of the most (if not the only) source of all my problem, especially with lust. Loneliness seems to be the answer, even if I don't succeed to see clearly if it's the cause or the consequence of my sadness..
Please let me share a part of my story with you :
I was born in January, so when I was little (4 and 5yo) my parents did some efforts to make me go on the upper grade at school. I remember once a week (or something like that) I had to see a woman who gave me exercises to test me if I was able to go for the upper class or not. As far as I can remember this was the first time of my life when I felt different. I was wondering "why others are playing outside and I have to work here, in silence with a woman I don't like, and ALONE ?"
Strangely, I also remember that in this period I was very popular, I always choosed the game to play during recreation for all the friend, I really was the leader of the class and I remember how was those good relationship between us.
After some time I was accepted in the upper grade so I had to leave all my little friends, and moreover my parents took this opportunity and decided to moove to another city. I let you imagine what happened : I mooved from a place where I was the oldest, the most popular, the "leader" to an unknown location, I became the younger and I knew nobody. Without forgetting this bonus interrogation about the fact I was maybe different because of all these specials session I did.
I think this was the beginning of all my mental construction. In fact, I see now that I've been very tortured in my mind since 5 yo.. I remember that I felt very isolated, and shy. Amazing how all these memories come back. This was the beginning of all my imagination : I was thinking all the day how to be loved by others, to have friends, to stop be different and alone. One example of my thinking (that still haunts me today btw) was "ok this guy is loved, popular, I have to fix myself to his wishes or opinion or comportment so I could became his friend and became like him and then all his popularity will shine on me and I'll benefit a lot, people will listen to me and stay with me......"; or also I was wondering "imagine this thing will happen at this moment in front of these person, then I'll be able to do this and then it will show a good side of me and then I'll have some friend..."
Strangely, I remember also that often someone was coming near me when we had to be "2 by 2" to enter in class and I remember as well that in these moments I fled because I was too shy. When I'm writing these lines the reason seems to appear clearly : I was afraid that something will not happened so perfectly as I had plan in my mind so that's why I was always fleding reality and in fact I maintained my own loneliness.
Let's jump now to today, even if I switch some very important parts which I hope to have the opportunity to tell you an other day.
My problem is that I'm torn between working to be loved and admired and working for Hachem Baroukh Hou. This lack of consideration is deeply printed in me which leads to more and more serch for the approbation of others, their admiration... And more, Hachem decided I could be that impressive guy, bli 'ayin hara I'm kind of "intelligent" with good and fast understanding, funny, kind of "good looking", always succeeding in the first time, the perfect guy with a perfect good life with no struggle at all.. Sometimes I'm wondering how people could be so wrong about me..
Anyway the fact is that it seems that the most I grow up in Torah and Avoda, the most I become alone. And also more and more attractive people come to me and they make me realize how I was denying my life :
for now 1 years I'm telling to myself "I'm happy, I don't want to do anymore what I did, it's normal to don't do these things because it's not good, it's not what Hachem Wants.." but the fact is that is a big lie to myself. I'm still wanting to go out with friends , to smoke, to drink, to listen to goy songs and play them and even sing them, to speak of things that are not always necessary, to have a grilfriend, to play computer game, to stop being always so serious about life and afraid to do something wrong... (In my story I switched the highschool part when I met some very good friends but unfortunatly also did all these things with them). I begin to see that I need to stop deny all that, to understand it's normal and I'm not a bad boy to want these things, was just raised in that society for 20 years now and that I can be proud of myself to have quit all these stuff (feel nice to have some good opinion of yourself sometimes..)
Maybe it was to counter this loneliness and give an excuse to my shyness that I did Techouva 3 years ago when I entered at University with knowing only one person, and not so good.
But I like to tell myself no, that is was because I feel Him since I'm little, I've always been very close to Him even if I didn't do nothing. Before an exam, there was always a daven to Him, always thanking him for all I had, always this little voice in my head (even if I didn't know the halakha) that what I was doing was not good.
By writting that I see how Hachem is organizing all this story and how He puts me in front of the choice. What is even more impressive is the fact that the more I grow up in Torah, the more I feel alone; and the more I attract the attention of others with jokes and speaking about old bad habits and so on the more I feel away from Hachem.
As an example, few days ago I learnt that because of family problems between my uncle and my parents we will spend the seder alone one more time. That means don't be with my cousin and so going to shoul alone again, eat cold alone again, study alone again, nobody to speak about Torah again... After the Chabbatot alone, the Pourim alone, now it's Pessach' alone. I can't stand it. And my parents don't want me to go with some religious friend for Chabbat because they afraid I grow more in Torah.. I think loneliness is the clue of my disease.. Even at university I don't have even one real friend who has the same desire as me. I feel that nobody understands me and that hurts..
I'm afraid this post is really really too long, even if I tried to structure it the best I could with the less mistakes of language..
I've also noticed that I didn't speak lot about lust, that shows well that lust isn't the problem in itself but just a solution we use against the problem.
This post doesn't have a specifical goal, except sharing with friends here who seem to understand me better than others.
Thank you all
you have reached 50 ! Seven Weeks plus one day ,