Thank you very much for you words of encouragment ! Really powerfull to feel I'm not alone !

Day 1 :
bH today was good, without lust, or at least without sitting in lust way of mind !
I go to Paris in 3 different bookstores and 00000000 books on shmirat enayim/keeping clean the brit... I'm still chocked about how this subject is still so hide and how people don't want to face the reality.

Anw tonight I have to go to a brithday with old friends non jew, bH only men but I don't stay too long because of the dibour there will surely not be so pure..

i need to go for a balance sheet as I have the feeling of doing everything and nothing at the same time.. I'm very tied, I wake up early to study Torah, pray, do mitsvot but at the end of the day I feel "empty" and don't know why.

Hoping to have good news for you tomorrow, I wish I could write more but I know if it's too long I'll dont keep posting the entire week !

One more time thank you, I hope everyone is doing well !

Hi Palti thanks for sharing.
My humble opinion is that you dont need books on guarding your eyes. That is your/our/my
drug of choice. we can not have our drug of choice simply because we can not have it.
That is the end of the story. What you should look for is anything teaching what to do and how to deal with anxiety and sadness, anger and resentment. How to let and permit and give the right to G.od to bring you whatever He decides and you will take it well. If it is , my father/mother , friend/teacher , neighbor or anybody in your life that caused me pain. How to use that pain to learn from it and grow from it and continue life ahead. This is where the center of our troubles are . It is not our eyes or the women in the street or wherever they might be (including those i look inside my head).
Learn Torah and do mitzvot that is wonderful . But what "fills you up" is giving from yourself and your self-centeredness . when the feeling of self-pity , sadness and down start to enter . that is the time to start acting by repelling them by giving to G.od and accepting his will. Hatzlacha.

Hey Palti!!

Sorry to hear about your fall, and your confusion. I completely relate with the feelings of numbness, the lack of desire to stop, looking for reasons.

Take things slowly. I started with making up with a GYE friend to talk once a day. There were no plans, no programs, just to be in touch and tell each other how we're doing.

It started with that, and slowly, quite slowly, the feelings are coming back. Take a little step, a consistent step, and things will improve!!

You can do it and are certainly worth it!!!

Thanks NA, your advises are precious for me. I'll try to mediate on them for sure..
And thanks Pidaini, it feels very nice to be understood in those kind of feelings..

Day 1 :

This morning was hard but bH I was in time for the tefila in minyan. Then limoud and talk with friends of Torah as usual, very vry pleasant universe,nothing in commun with the street, the subway ...

Anw I came back home at 16h and have a sleep for 2 hours. After the wake up there was still nobody home and the desire came up, especially with iPads non filtered just near.
Yesterday I studied Tanya and today I began Mikhtav MeEliayou and the first chapter was kind the same way of mind : both talking about the need to take moment in journey to think about the vileness of all the materials pleasure, and the elevation of a life turn to Hachem.

I just talk to Hachem "Hachem, I know all this is really really vile, how howefull lust is, taking the holiest thing of this world, the power to create a life with the perfect fusion of 2 human being, spiritualy and physically. I know all that but I still want to do it.. What can I do..?" Then my parents came back bH..

Anw I thing I'm beginning to feel how I'm far far far from managing my life. Hachem is controlling all my life, and it's scary. I mean for 2-3 weeks now I'm trying to study really really more Torah, like 3-4 hours more per day as I'm in vacation. I study with the will to do Hachem ones, i pray i even cried yesterday and today I came back home and.... this silly desire again ..?!
I wonder how can I want to do a things I cried yesterday for i did it ?

I hope all this realization about the totally control of Hachem will more boost me than other. I know He Want me to get closer to Him so I'll try to take the opportinity. I'm happy He Saved me today but I'm afraid I need these kind of miracles every single time..

As usual, I don't know if I'm clear..!

Thank you one more time for reading ! Let's see tomorrow with good news bH

Thanks for sharing Palti Y.You said You are beginning to feel life is unmanageable , that is excellent the more you really feel that , the better. Somebody has to manage your life so let Hashem do that for you. That includes everything and anything other people do to you whether you like or not. Praying to Hashem is also excellent action .
So over all a great post Palti keep up the good work . And remember that you came to this world in order to give , not to take from it. You want to do good to everybody and not to take from them. You want to love and understand them and not to expect from them.
Hatzlacha !!

Hi all, and thanks NA for your fresh words of wisdom.

The fact of giving... bH I beginning to see little clearer in this now and I hope this is not over.

Today was a very very interessant day and I would like to share with you one of the few miracles that happened :
- in the afternoon when I was studying in Beth Habad I heard 2 guys I know talking about filters. So I ask them if someone could help me with filters for my phone as I already found several way to pass away the filter. In fact one of them works in a benevol association of installing personalise filter for the Jewish world. He put me a very good filter with new settings, it was very complicated he made one filter on the phone and he add an option on the net. Anw he was very very competent ! And you know what ? While talking, the director of the Beth Habad came and has been touched and is thinking about making a conference in few months on the subject and ask all who want to came with there device and he will put them free filters ! Incredible !

-I begin the book "Pirke Mah'achava" from R'Ezriel Tauber. Talking about emouna and happiness. I'm searching for a book on happiness and then this one came, and it is amazing. To sum up he said that a real pleasure and joy can't be something depending on the things you're doing, good or bad ones. It depends more of be happy about your essence, the fact you're existing and can create a real relation with Hachem. And he talks about the nature of a jew.. Just perfect for me as the reason I fall is generaly sadness, about how I'm far from what I think I'm suppose to be..

Thanks for support and reading, I hope tomorrow will bring other good news !
Thanks Hachem !!

That was excellent Palti, Hashem is helping and guiding you all the time , you just not all the time see it.
Keep Up The Good Work !

Ty NA for your support !

Day 1 :

bH today was good, tomorrow I woke up early to go study before tefila but I had to wait my cousin so I arrived later, but I didn't lost patience, I took this opportunity to talk Torah with him in the train
bH I studyied good and I went to Mikveh !

May evryone have a Good Chabbes and a "good" 9 Av tsom !

Let's see you soon with good news bH !

Palti-Yossef wrote:


Not losing patience is sublime ! This is doing the program . Treat everybody with patience including yourself !

Thanks NA for support, yes I tend to be very very impatient with myself, epecially because I did techouva 2 years ago and now I feel I'm so late in my practise and study of Torah. But you're right I have to be more patient, each single effort is a world and slowly I see I'm more and more practising and learning..! Easy to say but not so to feel !

Anw Chabess and the tsom were very good, I felt a proximity with Hachem and it was way better than with lust. But now the desire is coming again.. I think that the most danger is that when the desire is coming I don't want to talk to Hachem, to be honest with myself, to medidate on how far it is from what I really want.

I'm going for tehilim, 'humach and I hope it will help me to calm down and talk to Hachem to know what can I do to let my life in His Hands, maybe going out from home for the day ? Don't know for the moment..

Thanks for supporting anw

"But now the desire is coming again"

Your lust feelings intensify when you are looking for a solution to something.
That something is usually a type of anxiety . Anything from sadness to resentments to
pain . When this happens sit and think what is it that is causing me RID :Restlessness,Irritability and Discontent. Who , what is causing you pain . Try to understand why ? are you feeling self pity , self centeredeness , selfishness ? these are causing the pain . So now move to another emotion of forgiveness and tolerance , etc.By doing this the lust should feel less to you or disappear altogether.

Ahh and tehilim ,Chumash and talking to Hashem are excellent things to do . If they can take away your RID , even better . But it usually doesnt go away by itself.

WE Need to be in the Mode of THE BIG THREE :
HUMILITY ,HONESTY, FEARLESSNESS. being Humility the crown on our head
עקב ענוה > יראת חטא

Thanks for the quick answers, no need to say it was very helpful. bH now I feel more calm and I'm going to restaurant with my grandma and cousin so the "battle" is mooved for an other time..

I understand what you're talking about NA and thanks for pointing that out. As I said, if I always run away from lust without think about the real cause then it will only be a question of time for the new battle and I can't handle it so long.
I know what's causing this desire and that's what afraid me a lot : I know that all that is due to the fact I think all I'm doing is only a very very little piece of what I have to do. Now near to 21 don't know study Torah with French tradition, afraid of life even to ask a Rav for Halacha question, have to fight to do so insignificant progress and so on:.
I know ALL THIS IS NOT TRUE, Who put me in this environment; non Jew school, vid games and lust videos since 10, drug, bitoul zman so hard..? Surely the Master, so I should be proud of myself for the way done already. I know it but I don't succeed in being proud of myself, I don't know I would always compare myself to a frum guy of bnei brak who certainly knows half of the chase at my age and even more..
As I said before bH I found the book of Rav Tauber on emouna (and as he says it's begin with knowlegde of yourself) where he is talkin about how every single jew is unique and each time I do a mitzva, it gives to Hachem a pleasure that no one as ever give to Him and more, a pleasure no one CAN give to Him.

I try to focus and this but surely, to answer your question, the most source of desire is sadness to not be where I think I have to.

Did your or someone (or both) have any idea of what can I do against this horrible feeling ?

In fact what's make me so afraid is that I think I'm knowing the reason but this knowledge doesn't seem to help me when lust is coming..

I noticed by your name the Passuk אש תמיד תוקד על המזבח לא תכבה.
It reminded me of the Drash of a great Rabbi (I dont remember his name) that when there's an אש תמיד a constant fire of torah and mitzvos then לא תכבה it extinguishes the לא the not good we have in us!

Oh come on Palti what kind of nonsense is that , do you know how many frum guys from bene berak that know all of shas are members of gye ? I dont know but i can bet there are many of them. This lust thing hits anybody like cohen like am-haarets.
Sadness is a terrible thing to dwell on. There was a Tzadik called the Magid of Kozhnitz
He said on Pirkei Avot chapter 4 Mishna 3 : אל תהי בז לכל אדם... שאין לך אדם שאין לו שעה. Never undervalue even people who are far from judaism because even those jews cause "nachat ruach" to Hashem when they pray and ask from Him from the low level that they are standing because the tzadik doesnt reach that level . These people do and that is a special nachat to Hashem.
Therefore my friend Palti serve Hashem from whatever place you are because everything you do is very precious for Hashem. And rejoice for this invaluable opportunity.