I am Boruch Hashem, 88 days "clean".

That means that I have not acted out, i.e. not looking at inappropriate material on the internet, or masturbating.

But I continue to be assailled by impure thoughts, and sometimes focussing on them. THis usually comes after "minor" triggers at work or in the street. In a way I feel that these thoughts and fantasies are my major problems, - they came long before I had internet.

So I am confused. The 90 days does no seem to be the magic that I had hoped for. Perhaps I am not 88 days clean at all. I still feel like I am going to fall anytime. But going to the chart and seeing 88 days does help to reinforce the point that by falling we are just throwing our lives away.

SO I am still not too happy. IN the past few days I have started just talking to Hashem, in English. If I have a bad thought, I just start talking to Him, asking Him to take it away. I try to reinforce this, repeating to myself "I do not want these thoughts"

Do not get me wrong, in the past a prayed alot to Hashem. But there is a big diference. Davening means going up to the highest level that we are able, to stand in front of Hashem, to be in the קודש קדשים. This raises us, this changes us. But now I am doing something different. I am just talking to Hashem from wherever I am, thinking dirty thoughts, considering surfing to you know where... Hashem Hashem, I am very low, but I stil want to speak to you!

So that's where I am holding. I think that I have made progress of sorts, but this is going to take a lot longer than 90 days. May be my whole life!

Hi,

Ashrecha for to your work so far, and another ashrecha reaching out before its to late...

Let me ask you, how many years have you been watching porn? Not even having thought's is something that will come eventually.. Acting out out on the other hand wont help either..

It seems that you are also blaming yourself for having these thoughts, and let's be clear on something that helps me on a daily basis: "I only control my efforts - not the outcome"

I once heard this great mashal: (GYE shiur by dovy Frank)
There was once a Innkeeper that catered for the slums. But as time went on he wanted to shift his "business-model". His plan was simple: renovate, remodel and make his inn stunning - only the available for the "upper class".
First however, he had to get rid of the old customers! So the next morning he hung a big "CLOSED" sign on the entrance. The townspeople where furious! - They where so familiar with this inn - they weren't just going to let go! Many of then started banging on the door. But the innkeeper held his ground. The next day they came back. The next day again - they thought maybe it was only temporary. By the end of the week most of his customers had given up. But then, the weekend drinkers came... and the same picture remerged. After two weeks there was almost none left - only the heavy drinkers still came here and there . After a month even they got the point.

Just putting up the "closed" sign won't stop the old costumers from trying. The thoughts will try to get back in for a while. Just stay "closed" (and open to others- like you have) and Iyh your old customers will get your new policy bekarov!


About being not being happy - maybe try to find things that you enjoy! Porn is something that just cuts us off from all emotions. When we start to sober up - we start tasting life. And if we don't get the satisfaction from life, well eventually need to "hide" again in sweet porn.
So ask yourself what truly makes me happy? When do feel fulfilled Exercise? Learning the blatt? Hanging out with friends? Family? Maybe you play an instrument? Make a list and choose some realistically you can do daily! You may have to force yourself on some days.
You will see life can be very tasty and enjoyable!! (I needed a shrink to figure out these stuff, but hopefully you can do it on your own)

Hatzlacha!

Your absolutely right no magic. None. But why did we except magic? Because we always expected magic. Magic from the computer, from the actresses, from TV, from Life. Everything should be like a disney movie. But thats not real. Im not saying real life is dull, but all of this (seemingly) magic is just on the surface but when you get really into its dry. There is nothing there. But real life looks so dull?? A but the magic is inside!

Anyhow, I agree with Avrom perhaps you have been focusing on not falling and now you should focus on living life. It sounds like your a dry drunk. Try reaching out to others here on GYE (by chatting) or what not. It helps me a lot.

Good work and keep it up!

hi!

your doing great tzaddik but of course 90 or even 1000 days will not rid you thoughts at all, its a bigger battle then porn or masturbation its a full time thing .

but dont make a mistake by telling yourself that the being clean isnt real enough because you didnt overcome thoughts ect. the number one thing is to stop acting out and then we can start thinking with a clear mind and of course to start thinking how to deal with everything else like shmiras einayim ,machshovah,

so hang in there and KUTGW!

Hi and thank you for sharing.

I identify a lot with what you wrote. For years i worked on being "pure" and on controlling my thoughts. Maybe I had some success, I can't even be sure, but a very practical down side of this pursuit of purity, was that as soon as i had an "impure" thought, I felt "contaminated" and the real fall was not long in coming afterwards.

As you wrote in your last line:

Imperfection wrote:


And for me that is the reality; one which I learnt the hard way, after years of battling, three years of trying everything on GYE and finally after joining SA. And yes, even today I am not always prepared to accept it, but it is the acceptance that helps me remain sober.

The good news is that others have said, the thoughts and fantasies become less obsessive if you do not act on them.

But one thing we must always remember: no matter how long we are sober, as soon as we act on a trigger or fantasy, the lust comes back very fast.

May HaShem grant us sobriety, sanity and serenity.

Imperfection aptly noted:

"The good news is that others have said, the thoughts and fantasies become less obsessive if you do not act on them.

But one thing we must always remember: no matter how long we are sober, as soon as we act on a trigger or fantasy, the lust comes back very fast."

I'm not sure about the magic of the 90-day approach, but I think there is some magic in the 1-day approach. Well, actually, it's not either magic.It's just easier to deal with, and many people have succeeded in doing it for quite some time.

Hatzlacha

MT

Thank you everyone.

Things are calmer now. May be posting helped

I take the point about being a "dry drunk". In fact, for as long as I remember I have been fighting lust, but I never realised how one has to address the whole picture of inner anger and built up resentment.

In this streak, however, this is what changed. I tried to explain in my introductory post:

Introduction

Recently though, I have been so overwhelmed and exhausted that I have been just been content on not acting out and updating my chart - eventually this approach will always re-bound.

On being happy, I could happily sit and learn all day long - but at the moment if I had any spare time I think that the best thing to do would just be to sleep a but more.

At the moment, I am trying to work on just accepting that this is my life that Hashem wants me to have, and to be happy with it. I am working on getting a job with more normal hours though.

Thanks for everything

Imperfection wrote:
BINGO! You don't sound confused, you seem to have figured it out.

If I may say I haven't read what others have posted but I came to realize that thoughts are NORMAL! u as a healthy human male will have provocative thoughts probably the rest of ur life (Sry to scare u) the crazy thing would be if u didn't have tiava. Now ur saying that u don't wanna lust, so the question is what do u do with that thought when it comes? r' wolbe says that we aren't responsible for the first second a thought pops into our heads we are responsible for the 2nd second its there. Learning to channel the desire so that we are in control of our sexual impulses that's the trick.
And btw ashrecha for ur abstinence ur a holy man

I agree. I wish you though a sober day today!

Thank you everyone

The truth is that the thoughts are more than fleeting - I have also been maintaining them.

The past few days have been much better.

I must say, not meaning to be disrespectful, I don't care what R' Wolbe said. (Of course I care, but this is not what is occupying my mind). These thoughts are pain and torture, and I want them out of my life!

I have been getting chizuk from from quote from Tanya on the chizuk e mails a few weeks ago - that each thought is an opportunity to raise it up - if we reject it!

It's just that I am not such a Tzaddik that I am concerned about raising up thoughts in the higher realms - I just want to be able to live like a normal person down here.

But if that is what Hashem wants, I am trying to accept it!